Amour
by jangoo
Summary: AU/canon pairings. Edward Masen and Bella Swan are friends. But after the death of Edward's mother, Elizabeth, they find comfort in each other's arms. One day, Edward disappears, leaving Bella hurt and confused. What happened to Edward?
1. Preface

**A/N**: My first attempt at a Twilight fanfic. Go easy? Thanks to my co-writer, Leah and our beta, Laura.

**Summary**: OOC Bella and Edward. Canon pairings. No Jacob Black.

**POVs**: Edward and Bella.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own anything here. Except for my own characters, who are based on Twilight characters anyway.

**Preface.**

**Edward.**

There's a time in your life when you realise how much of a sick, twisted bastard God must be to allow such horrible things happen to you.

I was there, right then, in the barren wasteland people thought could pass for a funeral garden. Staring at my mother's dead, lifeless body lying in the coffin that reeked of timber and perfume. Why you would spray a dead body with such overbearing perfume is beyond me. She didn't smell like my mother anymore. She looked just like her though. She could even be asleep. If I could just wake her up…

"Dear boy, what are you doing?" asked the priest. I looked up at his horrified expression and realised I was actually shaking my mother. My dead, cold mother. I shuddered and lay her back down among the flowers and plush, purple velvet lining her home - her coffin.

"Sorry" I said huskily. I decided it would be better if I just walked away. I would only end up offending everybody with my insane behavior. But they shouldn't be freaking judging me. Fuck, I'd lost both of my parents in the space of a year; it takes its toll.

I grimaced bitterly at the audience, sitting out there in their black dresses and suits like it was some red carpet fashion event. I had just opted for my tattered jeans and plain, grey top. What was the point? Mum was dead anyway.

I doubted she cared whether she got respect or not. She was gone. Her body was nothing more than a pit of dead cells and rotting flesh. Soon enough, she would be eaten away by microbes floating around in her coffin. Lovely thought.

I walked to my shitty, plastic white chair and sat down numbly. I think I almost missed the seat with my ass, but I didn't fucking care.

I wanted my mother back. I wanted her happy. She deserved to die when she was fulfilled and ready. Not in a fit of despair and self hatred. I sighed and dropped my head into my large, coarse hands. 'The hands of a real musician' Bella had always said.

She was the only thing keeping me stable right now. She placed a warm arm around my back and hugged me into her chest.

"It will all be okay, Edward" she whispered into my ear, her voice light and soft but strangely croaky from crying.

I couldn't tell my Bella how completely wrong she was. Nothing was okay, nor would it ever be. I could see myself living the rest of my life depressed and alone. Bella would leave me soon, realizing how fucked I was in the head, and she would be happy. At least somebody here deserved to be.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N**: Hopefully this doesn't fail too hard. Beware of the f bomb and Edward's hormones.

**Chapter 1.**

**Edward.**

"Edward Masen, get up!" called Elizabeth Masen from downstairs. I could hear pots and pans being clanked about, probably on purpose to wake me the fuck up.

"Orrrrrite!" I yelled out. My voice was slow and slurred, as if I were suffering from a massive hangover. Funnily enough, I was. But I couldn't let mum know that. Although, I had this feeling in my gut that she knew what I did each night. What I put my body through. I just think she couldn't bear to admit it.

"Now, Edward, I mean it."

_How intimidating,_ I thought to myself with a slight smirk.

Still, intimidating or not, I obeyed my mother and dragged my saggy body out of the comfort of my cheap, water-filled bed and shuffled into the bathroom to get ready for another oh-so exciting day at Phoenix Union. The people were dead shit losers, the teachers were lousy and the classes were uninteresting. Welcome to my life.

I studied myself in the small, dusty mirror of our dilapidated bathroom. It was a small room, so small you could barely take a step without bumping into the shower screen doors or the edge of the basin. The walls reflected my feelings. They were faded and stained, and the once delicate, vintage wallpaper was exactly that. Vintage. It was peeling around the edges and completely shredded off in some places. Yep. The walls looked exactly how I felt. I moved my eyes back to the rude-looking boy staring at me from inside the mirror. He had dark red bags under his green, watery eyes. I instinctively moved my hands to mess up my hair, and pulled out a few long, bronze strands in the process.

Was hair loss a side effect of getting drunk and high every night in your bedroom? Or maybe I just had alopecia. I put it down to the first option combined with the fact I had not eaten a proper meal since my father died. It happened five months ago. Edward Senior Cullen; a rising star in the boring world of banking back in jolly old Washington. He was a surly man, and I never felt that close to him, ever. But nonetheless, when he carked it, my mother and I fell apart. He'd always seemed so capable and strong to me, even if we rarely saw eye-to-eye, and his death caused dire after effects. Ever since he died in that gory car accident, I have spent every day thinking more and more negative as time progressed.

I didn't know what had gone wrong with me, but something had, and I didn't see a way to fix it. So I lived the lonely, endearing life of a teenage cynic. And to be completely honest, it wasn't much of a fucking life at all. I pretty much only lived to please my mother. She knew that. I knew that. We had an understanding.

I opted to skip my morning shower since I had barely any time left to get to school. Not that I cared, of course, but mum did.

"You don't look too crash hot" she said in a fake cheer, handing me a hot, steaming mug of black coffee. I took it gratefully and set it down next to the basin.

"Thanks" I muttered. She stayed in her place behind me, rubbing my shoulders in a soothing manner. I sighed and let her touch calm me down. She could tell I had been thinking about dad. She was always good at picking up on what was going on in my fucked up little mind. Thank God she didn't pick up everything, though. I turned to her and forced a smile. I could tell she didn't buy it, at all. Nobody would have. I could feel my eyes were tight and my forehead was crinkled into lines of worry and stress. She messed up my hair and left me to change for school.

I threw on a pair of faded black jeans and a worn, grey sweatshirt. I looked a lot like a homeless person, with my unruly hair, thick stubble and shabby clothes. Like most things, I didn't give a shit.

I took the hot mug downstairs with me, treading carefully on each step, since the house was near falling apart. I didn't trust the odd-smelling wood that held the house together.

"Ready?" asked mum, who was hovering over a recipe book and writing down what I assumed to be a shopping list.

"You're taking me?" I asked, sounding a little surprised. She waved her list at me and started to the front door.

"Shopping. I need to get all the fresh stuff before it's gone."

I shrugged and followed her out of the door, grabbing my ruined backpack off the broken couch on the way out. We got into her car, which would have been embarrassing to drive around in if I cared about shallow things like what type of car I was seen in. It was a small Ford that squeaked and groaned when driven, and I had to grind my teeth when the brakes were laid on. The screeching was almost unbearable.

School was on the way to the town, so mum had me out the front of the institution-like buildings before I had a chance to finish my coffee. I sculled it quickly, the coffee scolding my throat on the way down.

"Fucking hell!" I exclaimed. Mum shot me a stern look and shoved me out of the car. I stumbled for a while until I gained my balance, straightened up and swung my bag around my shoulders lazily. _Yipee, another fun day at Phoenix Union!_ I couldn't help but think to myself sarcastically.

I did the walk of death up to the building that contained my locker – and about 1000 other people's. It was like I had to keep urging myself to move forward. I couldn't afford to skip another day of school, as tempting as it was. I arrived at my locker after a long walk up and froze at what I saw. Somebody had vandalized it.

'_I hope you die like your fucking dad did, Masen'_ it read, in thick, black permanent marker. I hit my fists against the hard metal and held back a wince. My knuckles were throbbing but I kept hitting it, like if I hit it hard enough, my fists would connect with the little shit who wrote it.

I knew who did it so there was no use continuing to beat up my small, square locker. Taylor Carr, the head jock of the school. He had wispy blond hair and light blue eyes. I had overheard a group of giggling girls once, saying that he had the 'best body' in Arizona. What a stereotype, I know. I gave up and threw my bag inside, taking out my biology text book and a pen. I slammed the door shut loudly and people turned around to glare at me.

I shot them all a look that said 'fuck you all' and trudged off to first period in a worse mood than I started off in. Congratulations, Phoenix Union student body, you made my morning.

**

Biology was a pile of dog shit. There was no other way to put it. The teacher, Mr. Jerry, had a deep, boring voice that almost put me to sleep every class. He always wore a suit to school. For what reason? I had no idea. He looked ridiculous. I felt like walking up to him and shouting at him that he had nobody to impress because nobody paid attention to him anyway. But I held back. It was tough, but I did it. That morning he spent the whole time giving a lecture on apoptosis. Yeah, programmed cell death - I knew all about it already, since I had done advanced biology back in Washington.

Back then I was a gifted child, smiled upon by my classmates. Now, I was the weird kid who smelled like whisky. Oh, and a few of the guys here wanted to kill me because I got with all the chicks. Their girlfriends. To me, it was their faults for having such slutty girlfriends in the first place.

One particular time, and I remembered it like it had just happened, I had Samantha Golsin up against the hard wall of the gym exterior, fucking her brains out, and her boyfriend just happened to be inside the gym at the time. I couldn't shut her up as she moaned loudly like a trashy whore and screamed as she hit her climax. As soon as she fell limp against the wall, the back door opened and three heads pop out to see who was getting the root of their life. One was her brother, Timmy Golsin, the other was a friend of his and, of course, the last one was her boyfriend. Taylor Carr. He stared at me for a while, his eyes focusing on all of the finer details of our position. How I hand one of my hands resting on her clit, one up her shirt; fondling her incredibly large breasts. How she had a bundle of my hair in her hands and a red flush creeping up her neck.

I pulled out of her, zipped up and turned to the three. I smiled the biggest fucking smile I ever had, and they charged at me. I don't remember anything after that.

They must have got me good. But who cared? I got a good fuck out of Slutty Mc Whore.

Ever since then, the three of them have had a personal vendetta to hurt me in every way possible. But I had protection now. I smirked and patted the pocket knife resting in the front pocket of my jeans. Call me insane, but I didn't much feel like getting the shit beaten out of me every day. Once a week was fair enough, but any more and mum would throw a bitchfit.

Three more dull classes, then the bell sounded for lunch. I put my books into my locker and began my walk to the cafeteria with my iPod in hand. I had a small amount of change in my knife pocket. I'd probably buy just a Pepsi, like always.

It was then I first saw her.

Initially, I thought she was just another dumb slut getting way past second base with her jock boyfriend during school hours, but upon closer inspection I realised she was trying to fight off the great oaf who was harassing her. Her face was hidden by the oaf's shoulders, but I could _feel_ her anxiety. The rest of the students just walked past, like it were no big deal. She was distraught and afraid and so…helpless.

In an act way out of character for me, I shoved my iPod in my pocket and grabbed onto the back of the oaf's jumper. I pulled him off of the girl and whirled him around. His face was a little red, like she had tried to slap him. He wore a cheeky grin and winked at me.

"Nothing to see here. Walk away."

"Get fucked" I spat at him, and reared my right fist back. He was too slow to see it coming. I drove my fist forward and connected with his perfectly sculptured nose – now a bloody mess. I laughed and did it again. And again. And again.

It was a wonder he didn't fight back. But I was glad, since he was a great deal taller than me and looked like he weighed twice as much.

"You…little…prick" he gasped out as he lay on the floor soaked in blood.

"That's rich" I said, amused. The girl he had been harassing let out a whimper and stared at me with wide eyes. They were gorgeous. Brown, sparkly and deep. Like I could fall into them any moment. It was then I took in the rest of her. She was beautiful; her ivory skin shone in the sunlight coming in through the high windows, creating an almost transparent effect. She had dark brown, wavy hair. It curled all the way down to her cute little hips. It was _long_ and I instantly wanted to touch it.

"Are you okay?" I managed to ask. Wow, helpful Edward was really outdoing cynical Edward today. She nodded shakily at me and ran off. No thanks, no anything. I watched her tiny frame escape through the doors leading outside into the blistering heat, and frowned.

_Last time I help anybody,_ I thought bitterly, strolling off to go buy my Pepsi. I left Mr. Oaf on the ground, withering in pain. Somebody would get him and take him to first aid soon. Hopefully not too soon, though. The fucker deserved to suffer.

**Bella.**

Of all the days I have spent at school, I have never had such a terrifying one. Even on my first day a few years ago when everybody had stared at me and giggled at my fashion sense, or lack thereof. That was upsetting. _This_ was traumatizing. I didn't even know him. He smelled of sweat and cheap cologne. He was obviously a football player.

They were always the obnoxious ones.

I was minding my own business, making my way to get some lunch after a perfectly fine morning of classes that I surprisingly didn't hate, and he grabbed my arm. He grabbed my arm. What a jerk. He pushed me against a row of lockers and grinned at me playfully. It was as if he actually thought I wanted to be that close to his disgusting smell. I almost gagged.

"What's your name, pretty?"

He actually called me pretty. I slapped my forehead mentally.

"Bella Swan, and I don't want to know yours. Get off me" I said with the best attempt at sounding angry I could muster. He laughed at me and stroked a dinner plate-sized hand down my ribs.

"Playing hard to get."

"No. Get off me" I hissed. He threw his head back in roaring laughter, and I tried to escape. I wiggled out of his grasp and tried to walk off. He grabbed me around the waist and pulled me back literally kicking and screaming.

"Don't be like that, babe" he said, winking at me. Ugh. He winked. What a loser.

"Please, just let…"

I didn't get to finish my sentence. He moved his hands up my t-shirt and began placing rough kisses on my chin. I used all of my strength to move my hands and slap him. He didn't seem hurt at all. I rubbed my hands and whimpered as he kept on kissing me and touching me. I tried calling out, but nobody cared or noticed.

I regretted not making friends then.

I closed my eyes and began to fret. I was nothing more than a helpless little girl. I would just ride it out. He would go away soon.

At that thought, I felt his weight leave me and I opened my eyes carefully.

"Nothing to see here. Walk away" he said to a handsome boy who had intervened. My hero.

"Get fucked." The way the boy said fucked made me shiver. He was dangerous.

With that, he began to lay into the smelly football player. Handsome hit Football in the nose multiple times, and each time more blood spurted out. It made me feel ill. Blood didn't mix with me.

My stomach twisted into a tight knot as Football lay on the ground, swearing at Handsome.

_I won't vomit. Don't vomit, Bella. You can't vomit._

I thought repeating that in my head would help. But it didn't. I felt my throat tighten and my stomach rumble. I was going to be sick. The smell of coppery blood was choking me and I knew I didn't have long left until I hurled.

Handsome turned to me, "Are you okay?" he asked in a voice of genuine concern. I went to answer, but I felt vomit pool in my mouth. It was gross. All I could do was nod and run for my life. Run, run, and run. As soon as I got outside, I vomited into the nearest rubbish bin.

"Gross!" exclaimed a group of nearby girls, heightening my embarrassment. I wiped the excess vomit off of my face a stumbled weakly to the bathroom, hoping I didn't have any evidence of my vomiting hidden in my hair or on my face. I pushed through the silver doors and ran straight to the basins. I splashed water on my face and breathed a sigh of relief.

"Look, Bella Swan is getting off on the _water_!" laughed Samantha Golsin from behind me. A few giggles followed and I groaned. The bitch patrol was in action.

"Gross, Swan, you smell worse than your singing" commented a short, chubby girl from behind Samantha. I didn't know her name, and I certainly had no idea how she knew about my singing. She had highly plucked eyebrows and enough makeup on to last her a year. I raised an eyebrow at her and she stuck her tongue out. Great, she had the mental age of a two year old.

"Yeah, okay" I muttered and walked out of the bathroom, soaking wet and smelling of puke. As I walked to the cafeteria to get some food in me before the next period, I thought of the boy who had saved me. I only got a small look at him – but it was enough to tell he was stunning. I remembered his silky, bronze hair that was messed up but in a way that looked professional. He had green eyes that I felt were staring right into my soul. His square jaw and slightly tanned skin were breathtaking. I felt as bad as the bitch patrol; drooling over some heartthrob like it was the only thing that mattered in the world.

I filled my tray with an apple and a slice of cheese pizza and made my way outside to sit on the dusty ground. There was little to no grass around this part of town. Mostly concrete and dirt. I found it strangely beautiful.

I ate my pizza in peace. Everybody else was outside…except for a boy sitting underneath a lone tree. He was tapping his feet like he was listening to music. He looked tall from where I sat, and his bronze hair shone in the piercing sun. Bronze hair. It was him.

I got up with my tray and sauntered towards him nervously. He didn't notice me until I was standing right in front of him. He gasped and pulled his earphones out quickly.

"I thought you did a runner on me" he said with an arrogant kind of smirk. I rolled my eyes and plopped down in front of him.

"Make yourself at home" he said, raising his dark eyebrows.

"Gladly" I said, taking a small bite of my pizza. It didn't agree with my stomach, so I placed it back on the tray gingerly and played with my hair for something to do. I needed to distract myself from staring at him. He'd probably think I was some kind of nutcase.

"You have really long hair" he pointed out, placing one ear bud into his ear, leaving one free so he could hear me talk.

"Thanks?"

He chuckled at me and took a swig of his Pepsi.

"That your lunch?" I asked. He nodded and swallowed.

"Not hungry. What about you? You've hardly touched that greasy slice of pizza."

"I lost my appetite" I said darkly. He cocked his head to the side and stared at me. I met his gaze and had to look away before I got lost in his watery, bright green eyes.

"Because of that bastard?" I knew he meant Football.

"More what you did to him" I said meekly. He choked on his Pepsi.

"What?"

"Blood" I explained, "It nauseates me."

"You threw up?"

"Maybe."

He laughed. I shot him a glare.

"Sorry" he said, fiddling with his white iPod, "It's cute."

I glared at him again. He was calling me cute, and laughing at me, and probably mocking me in his head. And I didn't even know his name!

"What's you name?"

"Edward Masen. You?"

"Bella Swan" I said curtly. The bell rang and he shot up like his life depended on getting to class in time.

"What's the rush?" I asked, getting up slowly. I picked up my tray with the nibbled slice of pizza and uneaten apple.

"I have a good class next period" he reasoned. I smiled. I had a good class next, too.

"What class?"

"Literature."

"Me too" I said in surprise. He definitely didn't look like a literature fan.

"I've never noticed you in lit before" he said, walking with me back to the cafeteria. I shrugged.

"I sit up the front."

"I sit down the back" he smiled.

"Alone?"

"Yeah. You?"

"Alone."

There was an awkward silence as I dumped my tray and walked with Edward to the lockers. He cleared his throat finally.

"Sit with me?"

"Sure."

"This is my locker. See you in lit" he said in a final tone. I saw his locker had something black all over it.

"Hey – what's on your…?"

"Nothing. It's nothing. Just stupid graffiti" he said too-quickly. I shrugged and walked to my own locker, gathering my things and walking to lit with a spring in my step.

I, Bella Swan, had made a friend.


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N**: Shorter chapter. Thanks to Soph for being a great last minute beta (L) Oh, and some reviews might be nice. I am a review whore.

**Chapter 2.**

**Bella.**

I still had that spring in my step when I waltzed in the front door of my house. I beamed at Charlie, my dad, who was sprawled out on the couch watching some sports panel show.

"You look…happy" he said, as if it were a rarity to see me smile. Actually, it probably was.

"I am happy" I leaned forward and planted a small kiss on his cheek.

"Are you feeling okay, honey?"

I laughed at him and walked through the hallway and into my small room. It was cozy. The walls were a light shade of green and my giant, soft bed took up most of the free space. The covers were a deep black and thrown over the mattress lazily. My room was messy; much like the whole house. Without an adult female present, the place was out of control. My mother, Renee, had left us when I was almost two years old. I don't, still to this day, remember her at all, and Charlie refused to keep pictures of her in the house. Sometimes I found myself wondering what she looked like, what hobbies she had, even what type of clothing she wore. But there was no point in dwelling on the past. Charlie, on the other hand, would sit and brood over what happened _fifteen years ago_, as much as he tried to hide it from me. It was obvious she hurt him badly when she took off; and each time I bring her up, Charlie's eyes glaze over and he says the same thing he always does: 'She couldn't handle the responsibility'; yeah, the responsibility being a bouncing baby Bella. I couldn't help but feel guilty and responsible for mum's leaving.

I pushed aside a large pile of clothes and underwear to get to my bed. I flopped down on it with a huge smile on my face. Edward Masen was the reason for that smile. Apart from the fact he was unbelievably gorgeous and funny and smart and…I had to take a breath. Apart from all of that, he was a downright kind person who I enjoyed sitting with in Lit. For the first time in my life, I did not soak in a word that Mrs. Kiren had said the whole class. Edward and I had passed notes, which I had in my bag. I grabbed them out and flattened them against my leg, soaking in Edward's neat script.

_You like literature?_

Below that was my untidy, small print.

_I thrive for it. :)_

He had laughed and scribbled back quickly.

_How have I never noticed you before? You're great._

I had to hide my blushing cheeks behind my long locks.

_I could ask the same thing._

He hesitated, and his first reply had been scribbled out so much the paper had torn. I tried hard to read what it said, but there was no use.

_I enjoy keeping to myself. I'm not the most liked person in this school._

I didn't see how that was a problem.

_I'm not either _

He looked at me like he was actually in shock. His dark eyebrows were almost connected to his hairline and his green eyes were wide.

_Who could possibly have anything against you?_

I snorted.

_The bitch patrol. Football guy you beat up, well, thanks to you._

I couldn't help but add that last part.

_Bitch patrol?_

I sighed and explained what had happened in the girl's bathroom that day. Edward replied after running his hands through his hair in frustration.

_Singing? You sing?_

I shouldn't have mentioned that. Luckily, the end bell sounded and I left the room as quickly as I could.

"_Goodbye, Edward!"_ I had called over my shoulder, escaping the topic of my love for singing and music. I hoped tomorrow he wouldn't bring it up.

I threw the notes in my bag and waltzed downstairs to prepare dinner for Charlie. Another duty I had taken on as the only female living in the household along with washing, shopping, ironing and the occasional tidying of the house. But much to my surprise, Charlie was standing by the microwave with a knife and fork in one hand and a can of beer in the other.

"What's this?" I asked with a slight smile. Charlie took a sip of his beer and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

"I thought I would cook for once, since you're in such a good mood."

I felt overcome by happiness and pleasure at Charlie's unexpected good deed. It was then I picked up on the smell of low-grade steak and mushy peas rotating in the microwave.

"TV dinners." I said with a frown. Charlie laughed.

"Well, it's no royal banquet."

"I agree" I said, sticking up my nose at him regally. He snorted into his beer and pulled the meals out to the dining table.

"Bon appetite" I muttered sarcastically. Charlie looked at me with a pained expression. I'd hurt his feelings.

I was so stupid sometimes. _Stupid Bella. Stupid, stupid, stupid…_

"It's better than cooking, thanks dad" I assured him, taking my seat at the table and digging into the tough, stringy steak and bitter peas.

After dinner, I cleared the table, washed the few dishes that were used and went to say goodnight to Charlie. We had a late dinner; it was almost ten o'clock.

"It's nice to see that smile, Bells" he said to me as I walked upstairs, still in a good mood.

I dreamed of Edward that night; it was nothing sexual or romantic, just his laugh, his smile, his hair and his green eyes lighting up whenever I cracked a joke. I had known the guy a day and I was already obsessed with him. I acknowledged that my fascination and caring for him might one day develop into something more, but right now I was just over the moon to have met somebody I could relate to so well in merely one lunch period and literature class. He made going to school not something I worried about. He made my life not seem so bleak. And he definitely gave me a reason to smile like an idiot.

**Edward.**

My mum woke me up again.

"Fuck."

"Language, Edward" she said in a weary voice. I opened my eyes and noticed straight away she hadn't slept a wink. She had darker bags than I, and her hair was a mess, like she had been pulling at it in frustration for days on end.

"Sorry" I said, sitting up in my warm bed. I was sweating. I missed Forks weather. Would it hurt to ask for some rain around here? A little chilly breeze? Some decent fucking weather for a change?

"It's okay" she said blankly. This wasn't one of her good days.

My mum was troubled. She was hurting and she was abusing her body. I couldn't do anything to help her, since I was doing the same thing myself, and I had no idea how to handle my own problems. It seemed worse for her, though. I could smell the goddamn alcohol on her breath.

I hated not knowing whether a day was going to be good or bad for mum. She tried her best to hide her bad days, but today was different. She looked at me with anger as well as her usual worry. I wondered why she wasn't putting up her mental brick wall to keep me in the dark about her depression and alcohol dependence.

"Get out of bed, and get ready for school. You're walking today" she informed me in a bored voice, like she would rather not have a son to take care of.

I knew not to take her attitude to heart. She was struggling with dad's death, just like I was, just like my uncles and grandparents were. We all had our own ways of grieving, as much as I hated to see her like this. It was simply her way.

Mum stumbled out of my room and I heard her slam her bedroom door.

"Fuck" I muttered again, raking my hands through my hair that was damp from sweat. It was as if I had two mothers, and the one who actually loved me had gone out for the morning.

I tried not to think about anything depressing as I showered and got dressed. I did it all as quickly as I could, wanting to leave for school as soon as possible.

And there was only one reason for that. Bella Swan. I had spent every day at school silently watching people and judging them, thinking negative thoughts as I sat underneath the tree reading or listening to music during lunch periods. I would always sit up the back of my classes and glare at the backs of their heads.

But yesterday something fucking magical happened. After saving Bella from that asshole, I thought she was nothing more than another ungrateful cow. But she wasn't at all. She was serious yet hilarious, delicate yet snarky and most of all, she was beautiful. She reminded me a lot of what my mum used to be like, but fiercer and more beautiful. To me, anyway. Her hair smelled like strawberries and I just wanted to eat it, or some shit.

I was a weird guy.

I shook my head and walked out of the door, taking a muesli bar and juice box with me. A childish breakfast, but breakfast nonetheless. I had taken up the bad habit of skipping most meals lately, since I had no desire to eat. But now I did. There was a strange something inside of me that urged me to eat, sleep properly and lay back on the drugs and alcohol. I guessed it was linked to the new hope I had in my life, thanks to Bella.

I couldn't wait to see her by her locker at school, and when I finally saw her, a huge smile burst out on my face. It was fucking stupid and goofy of me, but I couldn't help myself. This girl did things to me.

"Why hello, miss" I said, pretending to tip my hat to her. She giggled and it was possibly the nicest sound I had ever heard. I smiled and stood in front of her in silence. I wanted to hug her, just out of instinct, but I refrained. I wouldn't hug her yet. I didn't want to scare her into thinking I was in love with her or something.

"We have Lit after lunch again" she said with a grin; her eyes sparkling with excitement.

"That reminds me" I said thoughtfully, "You still have to tell me about the singing business."

She blushed deeply and I sniggered. She was cute.

"Lunch" she assured me as the bell rang for first period.

"Tree?"

"Tree."

She walked off with a pile of books held in her thin, pale arms and left me to head to Calculus - a great class to have first fucking period.

**

After hours upon hours of pointless bullshit in classes, I was more than relieved to see Bella walking up to me during lunch as I sat; propped up against the hard stump of the tree that was now our place.

"Reading, today?" she asked, sitting down with her tray of pizza. I had chosen a burger and fries. Very healthy.

"Yeah" I muttered, slipping the book of poems I had been immersed in behind my back.

"What is it?" she asked, tilting her head so she could get a better view. I sighed, waiting for her to laugh.

"You're reading Byron?" she asked in surprise. I knew she was about to laugh.

"She walks in beauty, like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies" she chirped, smiling at me warmly.

"You know him?"

"He was better than Shakespeare" she announced, taking a large bite out of her cheesy pizza. I gazed at her in awe. We had a lot in common.

"You have…" I pointed to her chest, where a spot of tomato sauce lay on her white blouse. She laughed and tried to rub it off, but it only smudged more.

"Here" I offered her my sweatshirt. She smiled in thanks and threw it over her ruined blouse.

"I have no coordination" she explained, taking another bite of her pizza, but more gingerly this time. I couldn't help but laugh at her. Of course she was a fucking klutz. It was clear by the way she walked, like she was due to fall over her own feet any moment.

"Really? I couldn't tell" I joked. She punched my arm and sculled her lemonade. I watched her slosh it down her neck and frown, wiping it with the sleeve of my sweatshirt I had supplied her. _Thanks, Bella_ I thought to myself with a smirk.

"Hey, Swan! I was reading a book today, and thought of you. The Ugly Duckling?" called out a familiar voice. Bella's face went red immediately and I turned my head to see that whore Samantha laughing hysterically with a group of her skanky friends.

"The only friend you can make is Masen, and hell, that's not much of an achievement!" she called out again. I was hoping Bella would suddenly storm over and beat the shit out of her. It seemed like something she would do, with that temper of hers.

I was surprised when Bella stood up and walked off with her tray.

"Bella, wait!" I called out, standing up with my book and tray in hand.

"Oooh, go chase after your girlfriend, Masen!"

"Shut the fuck up, you dirty tramp" I snarled as I approached the group of girls, "You weren't bad mouthing me when I had my dick inside of you outside the gym."

She looked like I'd slapped her dirty, ugly face. She stammered and turned red. I had embarrassed her. Good. The bitch deserved it.

I couldn't find Bella in the cafeteria, at her locker or in the halls connecting the two. I had considered calling out into the girl's bathroom, but thought better of it. I would see her in Lit.

She was already at the table up the back of class when I walked in with my pen and notepad. She was looking down at her hands like they were the most interesting thing she had ever looked at. I sat down noisily beside her, hoping she would snap that beautiful head up and begin to talk. But she didn't.

"You never told me what you promised" I said, clearing my throat. She turned her head to me. Her face was half obstructed by her long hair, but I could see her eyes were red and her skin blotchy. She'd been crying.

I'd kill that dog Samantha.

"Please?"

She whipped her hair out of her face and almost glared at me.

"Why are you so interested?" her voice was harsh and hard, unlike the softness I was used to hearing.

"I don't know" I shrugged, "It's been a while since I've had a friend."

Her hard look morphed into a smile, but I still sensed she wasn't going to budge.

"It was just something I used to do, until I got a nice taste of reality" she said bitterly. I wondered what that might mean, but decided not to press the matter. She would tell me one day, and I would tell her things in return. I looked at her face and was suddenly struck by the sadness emanating from her. I had never really noticed it before, not to such an extent.

"I think you would be an amazing singer" I offered quietly as the teacher prattled on about Edgar Allen Poe. Usually, I would be paying full attention. But today Bella was more important.

She snorted through her tears and turned her head away from me, scribbling absentmindedly on her notepad.

"It doesn't matter anyway."

I was learning new things about Bella every second I spent with her, and I was finding myself strangely wanting to be closer to her, to know everything about her. She was the most fascinating girl I had ever spoken to.

I wanted her to be strong, like my mother couldn't be. I wanted her to inspire hope and most of all; I wanted to hear her sing.

"Will you sing for me, some time?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I can't."

She was obviously too afraid to sing, especially to a near stranger like me.

"Please, Bella. I want to hear it" I begged. She sighed and lay her head down on the cool table, breathing heavily.

"I won't" she said stubbornly.

"At least come to my house after school." I found it hard to stop myself from inviting her over. I wanted to show her that I was sad too. I wanted her to know she wasn't alone.

My mother would help her see that. Just one look at her and she would know.

"Alright" she agreed, turning her head on the table to look into my eyes. Hers were watery from the tears, but they were still fucking gorgeous.

It was then I knew I had changed. I was no longer as negative and cynical as I believed myself to be. I was a happier, healthier, reformed Edward Masen; all because of the girl sitting next to me. And it hadn't even taken forty eight hours.


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N**: Laura F, you are my beta God.

**Chapter 3.**

**Edward.**

Lit was over very quickly, or so it seemed. Yet again, I spent the whole class chatting with Bella and ignoring what was being taught. I didn't really need to pay attention; most of the shit that was taught I already knew. Yeah, I was arrogant as well as weird.

I walked Bella back to her locker. She was telling me about her dad. She didn't know mine was dead, but it still felt like she was bragging. I felt myself get a bit pissed off with her, but I reminded myself she had no fucking clue. So I smiled and nodded at the right times, all the while my right hand clenched into a tight fist. My knuckles were aching by the time we got to her locker.

"Meet you at my car" I said casually.

"I have to take mine home" she said stubbornly. I sighed.

"I'll follow you home, then you get in my car."

"I'd rather just drive there."

"Don't be stupid" I said. Her smile faltered and I nudged her arm playfully to let her know I was only playing around. She was insecure, and I would have to be careful with what I say around her or I'd end up hurting her.

Edward Masen caring about other people? I know, it freaked me out too.

"Plus, my car is heaps better" I boasted.

"You drive a Vesper" she pointed out with a giggle. I would have teased her back, but I was suddenly overcome with embarrassment. Bella didn't know the reason I had a crappy Vesper. It was because I was poor. Mum didn't work. She got money from the government, and that's what we lived on.

"Edward?" she asked nervously.

"Huh? Sorry. I…got distracted" I lied.

"See you in a few" she said, grabbing her bag out of her locker and making her way to the girl's bathroom. I went to my own locker to collect my things, glaring at the still visible graffiti as I pulled my backpack out. I slammed the locker shut and stormed off to my Vesper. I felt like an idiot putting my helmet on and waiting on the piece of shit for Bella to come out of the school building.

She ran to her car and started the engine. The truck roared to life and she set off to her house. The truck spluttered thick, grey smoke at my puny Vesper as I drove behind her. It was freaking annoying, and I could see her smirking at me in her rear-view mirror. I frowned; glad my helmet was covering my grimace.

We pulled up at the front of her house and I instantly felt like I didn't belong, like I was some kid from the fucking slums. The place was huge, in the nicer part of town. Near-mansions and multiple story, elegant homes surrounded her own. It was cream stucco on the outside with large windows shielded by purple shutters. There was a long driveway leading to a double set of fragile-looking glass doors. It was only single story, but I got the feeling it was worth more than my house, all its contents and my Vesper put together. Hell, it was probably double that. I waited on my Vesper at the end of her driveway, too afraid to get closer to the beautiful house. It was a lot like Bella, in a way. Gorgeous, elegant, yet fragile and different. The splash of purple on the shutters and the unkempt garden set her house apart from the others in her street.

She came running to me with a smile on her face. She had no dimples or creases in her ivory skin when she smiled, so I guessed she didn't do it often.

I passed her my helmet and she raised her eyebrows at me.

"I'm not wearing that, I'll look like an idiot."

"Thanks" I said bitterly. She laughed and took the helmet. It was too big for her and it flopped around on her head loosely. I had to chuckle. She looked like a boggle-head.

She sat behind me and gripped her seat like her life depended on it. I rolled my eyes and turned my head so I could just see her over my shoulder.

"Hold onto me, or you'll fall off" I said tiredly. She hesitated, then hugged my waist. It felt nice. Fucking nice. It was a rare occasion somebody touched me so tenderly. I started the cheap engine and made my way past the nice houses, into the shitty part of the neighbourhood.

The whole way there I found myself full of regret. I shouldn't have invited her to my place. It was a small, dirty, embarrassing house. She would probably laugh; just like she laughed at my ride.

**Bella.**

Edward was stiff as he drove me past the part of town I was familiar with, and into a completely different world. Or, so it seemed. The houses were a lot less…nice. Actually, they were pretty dilapidated. I wondered if he lived in this street, or somewhere beyond. It wasn't like I was a snob, not at all. I was actually embarrassed by my huge, terrific house. I didn't want Edward to think I was some rich kid who got everything she wanted. It wasn't like that at all. My mum bought that house years and years ago, and Charlie and I had never moved. I'm sure the both of us would have preferred something a lot more subtle and cozy, but we couldn't part with the house. The memories it held. Even though, for me, there were none.

Edward slowed his Vesper and eventually turned into a small driveway. I didn't look at the house immediately, because I fell off the back of the Vesper with a grunt. Edward turned and began to roar with laughter. It was a nice sound. It made me smile.

"Take this, it smells like sweat" I said, handing him the oversized helmet.

It was then I lifted my head to look at the house. It was tall, but that might have been because I was still on the ground. It had two stories but it was very small. It would have to be pretty cramped inside. Beyond cozy.

"Here" said Edward, offering me a calloused hand. I took it and he pulled me up. The house was still pretty tall, even standing up.

"This is my house" he said softly.

"I like it" I said honestly. He snorted and started towards the small, plain, wooden front door. The house was a dark red brick, and most of them were chipped or faded. It created a very vintage effect and I did, honestly, love it.

He opened the door and waited for me to step inside. I took my dirty Vans off and he looked at me oddly.

"Trust me, there's no point."

Still, I left my shoes at the front door and stepped inside. The carpet was dark grey and the walls were old and worn. I was jealous immediately because the walls were covered in beautiful wallpaper. White with little yellow patterns scattered all over.

"It's not a very nice house" he admitted. I turned and gaped at him.

"Are you kidding? I think it's beautiful."

"You're just saying that" he said blankly and grabbed my hand, taking me on a small tour.

I was right. It was cramped.

The living room was the size of my bedroom, with stained, ripped sofas and a small television sitting next to a dirty fireplace. I always wanted a fireplace. Again, I was jealous. The most peculiar thing was the body slouched over the sofa. A woman. Edward's mum, I assumed. She was snoring and holding a bottle of rum loosely in her limp hand. Edward saw this too and pulled me hastily up the rickety stairs to a room that was obviously his bedroom.

It was like it was made especially for him.

The walls, a dark shade of navy blue, were charming and aged. The small bed was messy and there were clothes all over the floor, just like my room. I smiled at the mess.

"I should have cleaned" he said angrily, and started to kick clothes under his bed.

"My room is like this, too" I said and sat down on his soft bed. The room smelled of sweat and cigarettes. Who would have known the combination would be so lovely.

I spotted a cracked acoustic guitar resting on the far wall, next to a messy desk and scratched stereo.

"You play guitar?" I asked. Of course he did. You don't get calluses like Edward had from anything else.

"Not very well" he said modestly.

"I bet you're good."

"Yeah, and I also bet you're good at singing" he shot back. I fell silent. I wasn't prepared to sing in front of him, let alone anybody else ever again. I simply shrugged.

"Fine, I'll play" he said grumpily. But I could feel the excitement emanating off of him at the thought of sharing his talent with a friend. I brought my knees up to my chin and watched him fuss over the machine head.

He looked up at me from underneath his eyelashes and I had to hold in a gasp. He was incredibly sexy holding the guitar. The stubble that was slowly forming into a beard just elevated the 'troubled musician' look.

Edward began to strum a tune I had never heard before. It was soft and melodic. I would be feeling sleepy if I weren't so intrigued by the boy sitting in front of me, playing a tune for me. I smiled and swayed my head along to the notes. Edward looked up and gave me a small smile.

I knew he wanted to play for me.

He finished with a faster paced song that made me tap my feet on his bed. I clapped at the end and he smiled.

"Now, you have to sing for me one day."

"That wasn't part of the deal" I said with wide eyes. He tilted his head and shot me a crooked smile.

"It is now."

We talked for a while longer. Edward sat across from me on his bed. It wasn't awkward because we were simply friends. We joked and laughed until my stomach hurt.

"I think I should get home soon" I said, looking at the small clock on the wall. It was six o'clock. Charlie would be wanting dinner soon. I wasn't going to let him cook another TV dinner. I shuddered at the thought.

"Alright. I'll take you home."

We walked down the stairs and I tripped on the last step. Edward cracked up again.

"I'm glad I amuse you" I said bitterly. He wiped away a tear and pushed me out of the house in a rush.

"Edward? Who's there?" came a croaky voice from the living room.

"Nobody, mum, just go back to sleep" he said quickly, trying to shove me out of his house. I gripped onto the frame and waited as I heard stumbling coming towards us.

Edward's mother stood behind him, glaring at nothing in particular. She would be very beautiful if she didn't have a bottle of rum in her hand and crazy, messy hair. Her eyes were the same colour as Edward's, but less intense. And they had large bags under them, creating the effect that she might be a zombie.

"This is Bella Swan" said Edward, holding my hand tightly behind his back. I smiled and nodded at his mother.

"It's good to meet you."

Edward's mother looked between the two of us for a while, then gasped. Her face instantly lit up and she smoothed her hair back so it wasn't as frightening. She already looked a lot better.

"If Edward had of told me he had a friend coming over, I would have made snacks! Drinks!" she began to fret, "It's good to meet you too, Bella. I'm Elizabeth Masen, Edward's mother as he forgot to mention" she smiled. Her smile was crooked like Edward's, but her eyes remained tight and bagged.

"Stay for dinner, won't you dear?" she practically begged. I couldn't say no to her.

"I would love to."

I felt Edward's grip on my hand tighten and I heard the tiniest noise escape from his mouth. I sounded like a sigh.

**

Edward's mother had whipped up a lasagna so fast I almost expected it to be ordered in food. But it wasn't. It was fresh and tasty. I sat at the small dining table with the two Masens, humming and appreciating the meals I was given. It really was delicious.

"I'm glad I stayed for dinner, Mrs. Masen" I complimented with a smile. She smiled back.

"Call me Elizabeth, please."

"Elizabeth" I nodded, "So, where is Mr. Masen? Is he still at work?"

Edward dropped his fork and his mother's smile turned into a grimace. I had said something wrong, like always. Edward leaned over his plate to mutter something to me.

"He died five months ago."

"Oh" I said lamely, "I'm sorry."

"It's ok dear, you didn't know" said Elizabeth, looking at me with sad eyes. I had ruined the night. The rest of the dinner was awkward. The sounds of cutlery scraping on plates and chewing of food were the only thing to hear. Nobody said another word, until it was time for me to go.

"That was a good meal. Thank you, Elizabeth."

"Anytime, love."

Edward took me home in silence. He was brooding.

"I had fun" I said, once I dismounted the Vesper and gave Edward back his helmet. He shrugged.

"Next time it's your house."

He drove off without another glance.

I barely took note of Charlie greeting me as I entered the house, and I barely heard him ask where I had gone, and who dropped me off. I walked straight to my room, slammed my door, and fell in a heap on my bed. I cried for a while, for Edward's sake more than my own. I didn't care that I had only just met him, and I didn't care that we barely knew a thing about one another, I just cared about him. He must have been so hurt and sad. Oh, and how I had gone on about Charlie all day at school…I let out a wail and buried my face into my pillow. I don't know how long I lay there, in my bed, sobbing and thinking about what had happened that evening. But when I looked up, it was clearly past midnight. The night was awfully still and there was a small, warm breeze filtering in my window.

_Tap._

I looked out of the window as hard as I could to see what had made the noise.

_Tap. Tap._

Pebbles from our overgrown garden were being flung at my window. I strained my eyes to see who was out there. I could just make out the form of a tall, lean boy. It was Edward.

I lifted up the window more and hissed out Edward's name. He came running up and climbed in my window without asking.

"What are you doing?" I whispered, "You're going to get me in so much trouble."

"I'm a pro at sneaking into girl's rooms. Relax" he assured me. I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to explain why he was in my room so late…or, early. He didn't say anything. He just stood next to my window, looking around at my plain, boring room.

"Nice room" he said, raking his hands through his messy hair.

"Why are you here?" I asked bluntly. He shrugged.

"Couldn't sleep."

"I see."

Edward sighed and ran his hands through his hair again. He smelled of cigarette smoke.

"You've been smoking" I accused.

"I was stressed" he defended. He eyed my pajama-clad body for a while, not saying anything. Then he sat down on my floor, smirking at my underwear and clothes lying everywhere.

"Your room is worse than mine."

"Why are you really here?" I asked, sick of the stalling.

"I wanted to apologize for being a jerk" he said quietly. I nodded.

"And…I'm sorry. You didn't know. I shouldn't have left like that" he continued.

"You shouldn't have. But I don't blame you" I said, sitting on the floor myself. We were facing each other, sitting cross legged and staring into each other's eyes. His were glinting in the moonlight shooting in from my window, creating the illusion he had cat's eyes.

"Forgiven?"

"Yeah, you're forgiven" I said offhandedly, "Is your mum okay?"

"She'll manage" he said. That meant she wasn't okay. I felt guilt and sympathy pit in the bottom of my stomach. Tears welled in my eyes, but I swallowed them back.

"I really am sorry" I said.

"I know you are" he said, "You're a very honest person."

"You bring out the best in me, what can I say?" I joked. He laughed quietly.

"Can I have my sweatshirt back?" he asked. I shot up and searched for it frantically.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I forgot about it."

He laughed, "It's okay. Don't freak out about it."

I finally found it crumpled on the floor underneath a rather raunchy bra. I blushed and kicked it out of Edward's view. But I knew he had already seen it, as he was smirking crookedly at where it had just lain.

I handed the sweatshirt to him and stared out of the window awkwardly.

"I might go now. Sorry to wake you."

"I wasn't asleep."

"Oh."

Edward took a few steps towards me and quickly pulled me into a friendly hug. I smiled into his chest and hugged him back. He was warm, and he smelled comforting, despite the scent of tobacco lingering around us. There was something else there as well, something indescribable, something I had never felt before. He pulled away after a while and looked at me sheepishly.

"Sorry."

"No, that was good" I asserted him. He smiled and left my room via the open window, chuckling as he did. I giggled and threw myself onto my bed, smiling like a fool.

Who knew having a friend could make you feel so good? I drifted into a long sleep after that. I overslept. I slept through my alarm and Charlie prodding me with his hand repeatedly. Eventually, I heard him yell in my ear and I shot up. My heart was racing.

"Why did you do that?!" I yelled at him croakily. He laughed.

"You must have had a big night. Where did you go?"

"I had dinner at the Masen's" I said with a smug smile.

"Ah" said Charlie, "How is Elizabeth doing?"

"Um, good. Why?" Charlie's question struck me as odd.

"I've had to deal with her down at the hospital a few times" he explained.

"What? Why?"

Was she a criminal? She seemed so nice. Even if she was a bit frightening.

"She's tried to kill herself a few times" he said matter-of-factly. My mouth fell open.

"Oh my God" I said, almost hysterical, "That is so terrible."

"It is" Charlie mused, "That poor Edward boy; I don't know how he handles it all."

Neither did I, to be honest. The sympathy and guilt came back, along with sadness and shock. Elizabeth was so beautiful, and she had such a good, well-mannered son. Why would she leave that all behind?

"Is it because of what happened to her husband?" I asked, feeling curious.

"Yes, and no. Ever since his death she's been diagnosed with chronic depression. She's completely erratic. Her moods swing all of the time. I read her hospital file" he added.

"Dad!"

"I am authorized to."

I sighed and got out of bed.

"How long do I have to get to school?"

"About twenty minutes."

"Crap!" I yelped, grabbing random clothes off of my bedroom floor and sprinting to the bathroom. I got ready as fast as I could, but I was still late for school. My outfit was completely fruity, but that didn't really matter. All I cared about what Elizabeth and Edward. I couldn't get rid of the sadness swelling in my heart. I wanted to help them, but I knew I couldn't.

Suddenly, my motherless situation didn't seem so bad at all.


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N**: Why am I nervous to upload this chapter? Eck, anyway, thanks Laura. You are my hero. I want to smother you in hugs and kisses until your bones ache and your skin is red raw.

**Chapter 4.**

**Edward.**

There was something wrong with Bella. I thought we cleared everything up the night before, but judging by her odd, disconnected mood, we obviously hadn't. I wanted to ask her what her fucking deal was, but I didn't want to pry. Maybe it was something completely unrelated to me, and she was just PMSing. Yeah, that was probably it. We sat together in lit, and I was forced to actually pay attention. I had nothing else to do.

Bella was doodling on her notepad, some squiggly drawings and flowers. She wasn't paying attention. And I realised I was no longer, either.

"You smell like smoke again" she muttered. Yes, I did. I bet I reeked of cigarettes. I'd taken up smoking again, because I fucking needed it. But it wasn't like it quit smoking in the first place. It was more of a two day hiatus.

"Your point?" I didn't mean to sound so ticked off, but I did. She didn't answer, and continued to scribble. I sighed and messed up my hair in frustration.

Women.

"We need to talk at lunch" I said curtly. She nodded. Good. I was getting answers.

I realise how much of a stalker I must have looked like. Caring so much about somebody I hadn't even know a week, hugging her and visiting her at two in the morning through her bedroom window. All I needed now was to steal a pair of her underwear and a lock of her hair and I was an outright stalker. I wouldn't mind the hair part. It smelled so fucking good…

"Mr. Masen?" asked Ms. Logan. I shot my head up and looked at her in confusion. Had she asked me a question that I completely missed?

"Excuse me, Ms. Logan?" I asked in the most innocent voice I could muster. It must have worked because Logan sighed and shrugged it off. I escaped her wrath.

"That wasn't fair on Logan" pointed out Bella. I raised an eyebrow at her.

"What do you mean?"

"It's like you're using your looks to get your own way with her" she said bitterly.

"I have looks?"

"Oh, don't pretend you don't know" she said.

"I'm not pretending" I admitted. What was her fucking deal?

"I get it" I said after a moment of thought. I smiled at her smugly and laughed, "You're saying I'm attractive."

"No shit, Sherlock" she muttered, resuming her doodling.

That was all we said to each other for the whole class. I was happy not to talk to her, because she was in a foul mood. I was also content with being alone with my thoughts. Bella thought I was attractive. I truly didn't think I was, so yes, I was getting a little arrogant at hearing her admission. I didn't see the appeal in somebody who looked like me. I looked like an alcoholic who didn't take care of himself. And that's exactly what I was.

Maybe that was just Bella's style.

Her style? What was I going on about? She was my fucking friend. Not even that, come to think of it. We were more than friends, but also less than friends at the same time. Our relationship was screwed. I barely had a clue what was going on between us.

I hadn't been so confused until I hugged her. There was a strange electricity flowing through us when we touched, but I was too cowardly to admit it. And admitting that I liked her would fuck everything up. I couldn't lose her, or I would fall back into that robotic, cynical Edward that I loathed so much.

I floated through the morning classes, barely paying attention and just hanging for lunch time when I would finally get to talk to Bella. Maybe her mood would be improved? I hoped so. Bitchy, moody chicks shitted me up the wall. I already had to put up with one unpredictable woman in my life, and I really didn't need more. But who was I kidding? Bella wasn't disposable. If she got too moody, I couldn't just shove her out of my little fucked-up life. I wouldn't be able to. I was too dependent on her to go back.

Oh, how on Earth did I let myself trust another person? I could have avoided all of this confusion days ago. I could be my old self again, with no confusing 'friend', no girl issues, and no stabbing feelings in my gut whenever I saw Bella Swan approach me. Yeah, I could have avoided it all.

But the thing was, I didn't want to be my old self. For once in my life, I was excited. I was feeling something other than anger and negativity.

I needed to make up my mind about Bella. Did I want to keep her as a sort-of friend, or did I want her gone?

She was already at the tree when I walked across the courtyard at lunch. She didn't have food. I didn't either; just my packet of menthol smokes and my iPod.

"Hey" I said, sitting down in my usual place, leaning against the harsh bark of the tree cascading over us. She nodded at me and waited for me to talk. Her brown eyes were filled with an emotion I couldn't pick out. It wasn't a good one. She was troubled. Her hair was silky but looked weak, and she had accumulated slight eye bags over the space of a few hours. Something was really bothering her.

"Um" I said stupidly, "Want to tell me what's wrong?"

She sighed and played with the hem of her jeans, "Charlie…my dad…told me things this morning."

"What things?" I asked, suddenly anxious.

"About your mother."

My heart sank. She knew about my mother. But how much?

"What about her?" I said, trying to keep my voice as steady as possible.

"That she's sick in her head. She's not well. She's tried to…well, he said she's done some things…" she couldn't finish her sentence. I stared into the distance for a while, scared to look into Bella's gorgeous eyes. I heard sniffing and looked at her in alarm.

"Why are you crying?"

"It's sad" she said simply, wiping her cheeks with her hands.

"I don't want sympathy" I said angrily. She looked at me from under her thick, long lashes.

"I'm only human."

I sighed, taking a cigarette out of my pocket and shoving it in my mouth. It was okay to smoke here, nobody could see. It was very secluded behind the tree. Only the other students might be able to see, and I doubted they cared that Edward Masen was smoking in school. I was nearly invisible to everybody. And the people who would want me to get in trouble, would most likely rather have me beaten than suspended.

"You shouldn't smoke" she said as I lighted the cigarette and breathed in the soothing chemicals.

"I shouldn't do a lot of things" I admitted. She smiled at me – the first sign of her being happy the whole day. I couldn't help but let my lips curl into a small smile in return.

"I won't ask about your mum" she added, "I understand that there are some things you would rather not tell."

I was grateful for her understanding. She hit the nail right on the fucking head. But how the hell did she know? Was there some dark secret in her life, too? Judging by her unexplainable shy and withdrawn nature, I guessed there was. But I wasn't going to bug her, since she had just shown me that same respect.

"Let's listen to some music?" I offered. It was something to pass the time, as we were both just sitting in silence doing nothing. She nodded and moved closer to take an ear bud. I played some up-beat rock music and watched her bop her cute little head along to the beat.

I wanted to bop too, but I didn't want to look like a dick.

**

I stood beside Bella's truck, waiting for her to get out of class. I had skipped last period; it was only Trig; boring as hell, and not that hard at all. I could make up the time at home. I needed something to do there, anyway, since mum was getting into increasingly worse moods than ever before. I didn't mind locking myself up in my room and studying math for hours on end. It would be a relief.

I put my cigarette out with my foot and kicked the wasted bud aside. I looked up to see Bella walking with her head down towards me. She was trying not to trip over. I had to laugh.

"I'm just a walking circus to you, aren't I?" she joked.

"Of course."

She scoffed and threw her bag into her truck.

"What are you doing after school?"

"I've got some Trig shit to do later, but other than that? Nothing at all."

"Hm" she mused, "Want to come over? You know, so I can return the favour. I'm not promising an award-winning dinner or anything, but I do make a mean toasted cheese sandwich."

I laughed at her.

"I would love to come over. I can do the Trig shit later" I admitted.

"Don't fall too far behind on your awesome Vesper" she teased. I blushed and walked in a huff over to my ride. She didn't know it was all I could afford. I had to stop myself from snapping at her.

Taking deep breaths, I mounted my Vesper and followed her spluttering truck to her luxurious house.

**Bella.**

I don't know what came over me. I invited Edward to my house. That was not something I would have done usually, but he looked so sad. I wanted to try and cheer him up. Maybe a dip in our pool, or watching a bad horror movie would make him smile.

Ugh. Why was I trying so hard to impress and please Edward? I barely knew the guy. And here he was, following me home to chill with me.

Not that I was complaining. Any time with Edward was good, as weird as it sounded. We just had this connection, like we sort of understood each other. It was hard to explain, even to myself, but we just clicked.

And boy, was he hot. I'd been stupid enough to let him know how attractive I thought he was, and he acted like he had never been complimented in his life. It struck me suddenly, as I turned down my street, that he probably hadn't been complimented in a long time. I swallowed back tears and pulled up into my driveway. He didn't want sympathy, so I would forget about his past. I would just focus on what was going on in the present. And that was…Edward at my house; meeting Charlie. And, of course, my mission to cheer him up.

"Have I told you how much I like your house?" Edward asked, taking off his helmet and admiring the place I lived. I had to admit, it was very nice. But it was empty and reminded me of my mum, even thought I didn't have anything to be reminded of. Just knowing that she had once seen this house and fell in love with it made me sad. She loved the house more than she loved me.

I ripped my thoughts away from my mum and turned to Edward. His eyes were tight, like he was suppressing some seriously bad emotions. I put my hand softly on his shoulder.

"Let's go inside."

He looked taken aback by my sudden touch, but smiled and followed my inside nonetheless. He swore in admiration once he saw the interior. He had only ever seen my room, and that wasn't much to look at. Inside, my house was simple yet elegant and although it was messy, it still looked good to him. I remembered his tiny house and wondered what it must be like for him to see how privileged I was. He was probably fighting back envy, and that made me sad. And that sadness was elevated once I recalled the many times I had teased his Vesper. It was probably all he could afford.

"Dad!" I called out, trying to fight of the gloom that was lingering in my head.

"In the living room!" he called out.

"He's probably watching football" I said to Edward, rolling my eyes. He chuckled and let me lead him to Charlie.

"Fuck" Edward said under his breath as we stepped into the living room, "I didn't know you had a home cinema."

"It's not a…" I began, then paused. It actually kind of was. The TV was larger than any I had ever seen, and surround sound speakers were placed everywhere around the room.

We probably looked like snobs to Edward.

"Dad, this is Edward Masen" I said, turning to Edward, "And this is my dad, Charlie Swan."

They said their polite greetings and hit up some small talk. Edward mentioned that he didn't much like sports, and Charlie's face hardened. The small talk died, and I glared at Charlie for being so rude. Anybody male who didn't like sports was a fool in his books. I thought that, being a police officer and all, he would learn to accept other people. But no. He was as rude as half of the students at Phoenix Union.

"Sorry about that" I said to Edward as we walked to my room. He shrugged.

"It wasn't that bad" he smirked.

"Well, this is my room, but you already know."

"Yep."

We stood in the doorway of my room in an awkward silence, until I pushed him over to my large bed and flopped down beside him.

"You have a comfy bed" he said, wriggling into my mattress. I giggled at him.

"How are you feeling? You look a little down" I said cautiously. He turned his head to face me and smiled genuinely.

"Better now I'm here."

"Want to go swimming?" I asked out of the blue, hoping it would cheer him up further. He sat up and looked at me in awe.

"You have a fucking swimming pool?"

"Yeah" I said with a blush.

"Then what are we waiting for? Anything to escape this heat."

I didn't think it was that hot, but I kept my mouth shut and led Edward through the kitchen and the dining room to the back door, which was a large sheet of glass. I slid it open and Edward swore again in admiration.

"That pool is unbelievable."

It was, to be honest. It was a large, oval shape with white tiles and blue-tinted pool lights. They were on, creating the illusion that the water in the pool was an unnatural, bright blue colour. It was almost enchanting.

"Race you in" he said with a grin, shedding off his clothes and jumping into the pool wearing nothing but his boxers. I stood, frozen at his sudden near-nakedness.

"I have to…get changed" I spluttered out, and raced to my room to find my bikini. Oh, God. A bikini. Why didn't I have a nice, modest one-piece? I slipped into the skimpy bathing suit quickly and looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn't fat, I was quite the opposite. I was really, really skinny. Some people would say I was looking almost skeletal. Well, that's only what I said. I thought my body was disgusting. It needed curves. I pulled a baggy, white t-shirt over me had and, satisfied with the lack of skin showing, ran back to the pool.

Edward was floating on his back with his eyes closed, his tanned skin shining in the blistering sun. His bronze hair glowed. He was beautiful. Like a Greek God.

I suddenly felt rather ugly with my scrawny body and plain features. I leaned over the edge of the pool and splashed water at Edward's face. He rolled onto his stomach and resurfaced with drenched hair. The water dripping down his face only made him more captivating.

"Are you going to just stand there?" he asked, wiping water out of his eyes. I giggled and dove in with all of the grace I could find. I wanted him to be captivated by me, for some reason, which was stupid considering we were pretty much strangers. Though, I did know a lot about him; I knew about his past, his interests, his fears and favourite things. We weren't much strangers after all. But I still didn't trust him fully, not just after three or four days.

I broke through to the surface and gasped for air. I'd stayed under for longer than I anticipated. Edward laughed and sent a wave of water at my face.

"Now we're even."

I stuck my tongue out at him and leaped over to his smug face, dunking his head under water with all of my strength. I felt his cheek graze the top inside of my bare legs and blushed profusely, pushing myself away from him and letting him float to the surface.

He was as red as I felt when his head popped up. He was looking at me in shock and…pleasure? It couldn't have been.

"Er…sorry" he muttered, turning his face away from mine.

"It's not a problem" I said quickly. The air had gone thick with awkwardness. Of course it would be awkward, the guy's face had just been almost in between my legs. We sat in the awkward pool water for a while longer until Edward sighed.

"I should probably dry off and head home now."

"That's alright. Trig work?"

"Yeah. I skipped."

"Why would you skip?" I asked him with a frown.

"Hey, I've been skipping for years. One trig class isn't going to hurt" he defended, raising both of his hands innocently.

"Why, though?"

"I just needed a break from everyone" he muttered, climbing out of the pool. The wet material of his boxers clung to his manhood, leaving little to the imagination. He didn't notice, and slung a nearby towel over his shoulder and began to dry off. I tried not to look at his boxers, but every now and then, I couldn't help it. I climbed out of the pool, staring at his bulk. I hoped he hadn't noticed me.

But, I realised he was too preoccupied staring at my top. Was there something on it? A bee? Oh, no, not a bee. I was allergic.

"What are you…?" I began, then looked down to my chest to see the top had turned completely see through. My bikini clad breasts were easily noticeable, as were my nipples that were hard from the cold water. I turned the deepest of reds and grabbed my towel, wrapping in around my body. We dried ourselves off in another awkward silence. Edward put his clothes back on and I led him back through the house.

What an awkward afternoon it had been.

"Thanks for coming over, Edward" I said sincerely. He smiled softly and cleared his throat.

"Goodbye, Mr. Swan, you have a lovely house."

Charlie mumbled back a goodbye and I walked Edward back to his Vesper. He looked like he was expecting me to tease it, but I held back.

"I had a good time" he said from under his helmet, "We should do that again. The swimming, I mean."

I laughed, "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah. Tomorrow."

Something about his voice made me feel uneasy. I put it to the back of my mind and focused on his retreating figure on his small Vesper. I sighed and trudged back into my house, ready to give Charlie the lecture of his life on his manners.

He barely looked up at me from the TV screen, so I stood in front of the large plasma with my hands on my hips and my lips pursed. He groaned.

"Bells, I'm trying to…"

"Dad" I said sternly. He stopped complaining and paid me full attention. He looked a little scared, even.

"Edward is a good person, and you completely shunned him today."

"Oh. That. I just wanted to watch the game, Bells" he defended.

"That's not good enough. He's really a nice person."

"I know he might be, and I'm sorry. You know how I am with sports. Now, can you move?"

I glared at him for being rude, yet again.

"What's with you, dad?"

He sighed, "I'm just not comfortable with you bringing you boyfriend around and…"

"Boyfriend?" I asked in shock, "Dad, he is not my boyfriend! We're friends."

"Didn't look like that to me" he grumbled. I crossed my arms over my chest and allowed my gaze to bore through his thick skull. He bit his lip nervously.

"Alright, Bells, I'll be nicer" he admitted defeat. I smiled cheerfully and stepped out of his way.

"Thanks, dad" I said, running to my room to start on my French homework. But I couldn't concentrate. I had a great time with Edward. I tried my very best to complete my work, but all the while the fact that Charlie thought Edward was my boyfriend left me blushing a deep red, and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I had seen of Edward physically that afternoon.

I liked it. A lot.


	6. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5.**

**Edward.**

I couldn't sleep again. This time it wasn't for a bad reason, well, it could be seen as a bad reason. I couldn't stop fucking thinking about Bella. It annoyed me, and it made me feel good. I remembered the feeling of her soft leg against my stubble and moaned aloud.

"Fuck, Masen" I swore to myself, "You're getting soft."

I was also talking to myself; things weren't going well in my head.

Not only was I thinking about Bella's legs, but the way her chest looked under her see through shirt. It was fucking beautiful. And then to see her blush so much…she was almost too cute to be true.

I would just have to accept that I liked her after such a short amount of time, and that I would not make a move on her, ever. I valued her friendship too much. But, if there was ever the chance she liked me too…No. No. I couldn't get my hopes up. Plus, she didn't trust me. That was pretty obvious. She wouldn't even sing for me.

I creeped out of my front door at one thirty in the morning. I decided I might see if Bella was awake. Thank fuck she only had a one story house, otherwise I'd be screwed.

The walk to her house was about half an hour, which didn't phase me. I lit up a cigarette and walked along the black road in darkness. The only light came from the occasional street light and the moon. I went through about six smokes by the time I got to her house. It wasn't hard to miss, even at night. The overgrown garden instantly gave it away. I scooped up a few pebbles from the side garden and walked slowly to where I knew her window was. I peeked into the window first, just to make sure she wasn't already asleep, and to my horror somebody tapped me on my back.

I whirled around and got ready to run for my fucking life. It was her dad. It had to be her dad. I was busted.

Instead, I heard giggling and saw Bella standing in front of me.

"Why the fuck did you do that?!" I hissed. She sniggered and pulled me away from the house.

"You'll wake Charlie, shut up."

We walked for a few minutes and finally sat down on the road. It was safe to sit on the road here. Nobody was going to be driving around at two in the morning on a Thursday night. And if they were, we would see the lights before anything serious happened.

"I knew you'd come here again" said Bella, leaning forward to get a whiff of me, "Smoking again?"

She didn't sound as angry as she usually did.

"Uh, yeah" I said lamely, "You scared the shit out of me."

She giggled again. It was an amazing sound, and it just heightened her cuteness.

"What's on the agenda for tonight?" she asked with excited, large eyes. I stared at her and waited for a response to come out of my mouth.

Nothing happened, so I shrugged. God, I was such a fucking loser.

"We could go swimming again, but that might wake Charlie" she said, looking over to her house. Under the moonlight it looked even more glamorous. Just like Bella did. Sitting in front of me, so close, I could now appreciate her fully in the night. Her long hair was pulled up into a messy bun; the flyaway strands shone in the white moonlight. Her skin glowed unnaturally and looked even paler than usual. She looked so delicate, that if I touched her the slightest she might break apart. And I wouldn't want that.

"I like swimming" I mused. Actually, what I liked more was being so close to her, seeing her wet hair cling to her face and her see through top expose her figure. But she didn't need to know that.

"Me too" she blushed. Why was she blushing? And why did it have to be so goddamn adorable?

"I have an idea" I said, pushing myself up from the road and holding out my hand to Bella. She looked at it for an instant, then grabbed hold and let me pull her up. She was so soft and warm…

"What idea?" she asked, smoothing out her top and dusting her hands on the back of her jeans.

"Follow me."

I started toward the only place in Phoenix where I didn't feel uneasy. A place I felt content, humble and most of all; the one place I felt truly comfortable.

"We're breaking into the school?" she asked as we ran up to the side fence of Phoenix Union. It was a very short walk, thank God for that.

"Just the courtyard" I hinted. Bella caught onto where we were going and beamed at me. We climbed the fence, well; I climbed the fence and lifted Bella over, and made our way to the lonely tree standing tall over the dark courtyard.

I loved this spot.

"It's so beautiful at night" she gasped. She was right. The moonlight struck the tree and left strange shadows scattered over the concrete ground. The leaves rustled gently in the wind, making the place seem all the more serene.

"Not as beautiful as some other things" I said, without thinking. Fuck. I hoped she didn't figure I was talking about her. She didn't blush or flinch, so I guessed she was oblivious.

I took my place sitting against the thick trunk of the tree and Bella sat in front of me; her knees brought up to her chin, her arms hugging her small figure in the breeze. It wasn't even cold, but maybe she had grown so used to this pathetic weather that she had no resistance to the cold. I shrugged off my jacket and slung it around her small shoulders. She lifted up her head to me and smiled.

"Thanks."

"No problem. You don't like the cold?"

She shivered and hugged herself tighter. "I don't mind it" she said quietly, then paused, "Okay, I hate the cold."

We laughed. There was something lighter about her that night. The smiles she gave me weren't as shy or withdrawn, and her laughter was louder and sounded greater than ever.

"You seem a lot happier tonight than I've ever seen you" I pointed out.

"Well, you've only known me a few days" she reasoned.

"True. But still, it's nice to see" I admitted. She beamed at me. Shit, her smile was gorgeous. And she had such perfect, white teeth.

We talked for hours, but it seemed only like minutes. Time flew by with her, and before we knew it, the sun stared to peek out over the horizon. It must have been nearing six in the morning.

"Jesus Christ, it's early" I muttered, standing up to take Bella home.

"Wait" she said, watching the sun, "Let's watch it rise."

The orange light hit us soon after, and Bella's face lit up. Her ivory skin suddenly looked quite tanned, and her hair had a reddish tinge.

"Your hair looks mad bronze" she said, staring just above my eyes. I ran my hands through my hair out of habit and she laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"You always do that to your hair. Like, always. It's like you have OCD" she giggled. I rolled my eyes and pushed her softly on her upper arm. She fell over and lay on her back. I joined her. We looked up at the rising sun for a few minutes until she spoke.

"I think now is the time to go home. Our parents will flip out."

"Mine won't" I said bitterly. Bella's breathing hitched and she turned her face to mine. Her eyes glinted with tears of sympathy, which just made me feel more bitter.

"Don't" I said, staring into those brown eyes I adored. She turned her head away quickly and I heard her sniff. Great, she was fucking crying.

I don't know what possessed me to do what I did next, but I let it take control. Within seconds I was lying on top of her with a hand on each side of her head, holding myself up so I wouldn't squash her. She looked taken aback, but not hesitant or scared, so I inched my lips closer to hers. I was so close to kissing her. Feeling those warm, soft, pink lips. Her breath felt warm on my chin and I felt my mouth pool with saliva.

"What are you two doing?!" called out an angry voice from behind us.

"Fuck!" I shouted, shooting up and twirling around to see who it was. It was the gardener. Phew, just the gardener.

When I looked back Bella had already started to run off. I thought about following her, but I decided it would be best to leave her be. I completely fucked up again.

She probably never wanted to see me. Ever. Again.

**

"Where have you been?" mum asked as she took a swig out of her mug. I doubted it had coffee in it.

"Out" I mumbled, heading upstairs to have a quick shower before school.

"Out where?" she persisted.

"I have to shower, mum" I said blankly. I was upstairs and in the bathroom before she could badger me more. I showered quickly, washing my hair with soap, since we were out of shampoo. I often had to substitute things around here. I learned to deal with it. I didn't care anymore.

I walked downstairs slowly and heard snoring coming from the small living room. Mum was slumped on the couch again. Passed out before seven thirty. Nice one.

I glared at her unconscious body and stormed over to the sink. Just as I expected, her 'coffee' mug reeked of rum. I sighed and washed the dishes lying in the sink, put them away quietly and drove to school.

I was late.

"Mr. Masen, how lovely of you to grace this class with your presence" said Ms. Logan sarcastically. Jeez, she must have been on her rags. She was usually pretty laid-back. I apologized to her and walked to my table with my head down. I couldn't bear to look into Bella's eyes. I felt so guilty.

She was doodling again, but this time the flowers and stars were accompanied by little hearts and puffy clouds. I tried not to read too much into it.

"'Morning" she said quietly, shading a particularly large love heart.

"Hey."

"Why so late?" she asked with a hint of worry.

"Long shower" I lied. She didn't need to know more about my fucked up life.

"How are you feeling?" she asked. She still wasn't looking at me, so I risked looking up at her face. Her profile was almost perfect. Her nose was small and shaped nicely, her eyes at just the right position on her face. Her chin jutted out a little, but not enough for anybody who wasn't her stalker to notice. That's what I was now. Her stalker.

"Alright. You?"

"Yeah, alright."

We shared little more words after that. I just watched her draw little pictures on the back of her notepad and thought about that morning. Had she really not wanted to kiss me? Her eyes had had this hunger to them, and she didn't try to push me off. Sure, she looked surprised, but she didn't show any signs of not wanting to kiss me, either.

Crap, I had to stop thinking about it. I had to stop thinking about what almost happened, because it wasn't right. Not while I was so messed up. Not while I barely knew her.

**Bella.**

He almost kissed me. And boy, how I wished the gardener had not interrupted. Just imagining what it would be like to run my fingers through his hair and taste his lips got me flustered. I had to settle down.

Judging by his attitude towards me in lit that morning, I figured it was all a mistake. He regretted the almost-kiss, and that made me feel sad. I didn't want it to make me sad, but it did. Was it so bad to just want to be wanted by him? To want him myself?

The answer was obviously yes. Yes, it was bad to want him. I couldn't want him. Not in the way I did that morning. Not at all.

Like most days, my classes dragged on and I sat there trying as hard as I could to stay alert. I couldn't afford to let my grades slip, or Charlie would have my throat. Oh, it would be such a disaster to have the Chief's daughter receive any grade but an A. Anything under that and it would be the end of the world. I handed in my French homework, I took notes in every class, I did the pop quiz that we were given in calculus. I did everything, paying strict attention to every single detail. But Edward was always there, in the back of my mind, sneering at me, laughing at me for ever thinking he didn't regret almost kissing me.

By the time lunch came, I was upset. I had driven myself into sadness that swelled in my heart and clouded my vision. I was feeling more self conscious than usual. I was too-skinny, my skin was too pale, my hair was out of control, and I was a nobody. And all of this was brought on by myself. Because I couldn't help but taunt myself in my mind. It was probably some kind of mental condition. But was I going to complain? No. No, I completely deserved to feel like a nobody. My mother obviously thought I was one, Edward thought I was one, the whole student body of Phoenix Union thought I was one.

I didn't wait for Edward by the tree at lunch. I sat indoors, hidden away from the blistering Phoenix sun, slouched against a wall, looking at my uneaten lunch in gloom. Nobody looked twice at me.

Nobody looked at me at all, and this was the way I liked it.

"Bella? What are you doing down there?" asked a voice that belonged to the last person I wanted to see. I looked up at Edward and frowned.

"What does it matter?"

"What happened?" he asked, sitting down next to me with a creased forehead. How nice of him to pretend to care.

"Nothing happened" I snapped. That was half of the problem. Nothing happened.

He didn't kiss me. He didn't want me.

I groaned aloud and took my head in my hands. Why did I care so much about what Edward thought of me? It was stupid! I was such an idiot.

"Bella?" his voice was soft and worried. I wanted to tell him everything. I wanted to let him in but I couldn't. I wouldn't.

"Please, tell me?"

Why did he keep asking? It's not like he cared at all. I was probably just some amusing specimen to him. This crazy, shy girl who let's strange guys into her life at the drop of a hat.

"Why do you care?" I asked. My voice was strained and strangely croaky. Edward sighed.

"I don't know why I care. I just do."

I snorted.

"You don't need to lie."

"I'm not lying, Bella."

I looked up at him and saw something new in his eyes. It was an emotion I had never seen before. And I sure as hell had no idea what it was.

"I really care about you."

"Stop trying to pretend!" I shouted. The whole cafeteria would have turned quiet if they cared. Instead, I was given a few glares and that was all. The students of PU continued to eat their meals, kiss their partners and chat away. I envied them. So, so much.

Edward looked shocked. Those thick, dark eyebrows were up and his green eyes large.

"I'm not pretending Bella. What the fuck is wrong?"

I sighed heavily. Maybe I was overreacting, and Edward really did care. But I still didn't understand why.

"I don't know" I said finally, letting a sob escape. Edward pulled me to his chest and let me cry. Nobody noticed. It was just us, huddled in the corner, sharing some kind of breakthrough moment. I cried until the bell sounded.

"What class have you got now?" asked Edward awkwardly.

"Chem. I don't want to go" I whined, pulling my knees closer to my chin. Edward rubbed my back soothingly.

"Let's skip."

"That sounds like a good idea" I said quietly. Edward pulled me up to him and took me to the parking lot.

"What do you want to do?" he asked. I didn't know what I wanted to do. Actually, I did know. I wanted to spend the afternoon being in his arms. I wanted to go back to that time under our tree. I wanted him to lean forward and…

"Bella?"

"Oh. Sorry."

Edward sniggered, "Let's go stuff our faces."

"I'm not hungry" I said stubbornly, but the loud growl that emerged from my gut betrayed me. Edward laughed and pulled me to his chest.

"Ice cream?"

**

Edward took me to a small ice cream parlor I had never been to, or really noticed before, in my whole life. The store had a very small entrance and was decorated with old fashioned paintings that made me smile. Just being there cheered me up, and I was beginning to feel stupid for my outburst earlier.

"I used to take mum here to cheer her up" he sighed. A feeling that was much beyond sympathy stabbed at my heart. Despair. I felt despair for Edward. Tears pricked at my eyes again and I wiped them away hastily.

"It's such a nice place" I mused. The assistant working gave me a warm smile. She must have overheard.

It was then I saw the ice cream. Rows and rows and rows of colourful, beautiful ice cream just begging to be eaten. My stomach growled just by seeing it all. Edward laughed.

"Best fucking ice cream in the world" he said, nodding to the assistant. She struck up small talk with him as I looked wide-eyed at the hundred or so different flavours of delicious-looking ice cream. The white and blue of the vanilla/blueberry ice cream took my fancy and I pulled out a scrunched up ten dollar note out of my back pocket. Edward pushed it away.

"Let me pay."

"No, Edward…" I started, but he shushed me and ordered the largest size cone with three scoops of the mouth watering ice cream. He himself ordered rum and raisin.

We sat outside the small shop at the dainty glass table and licked our ice creams, both lost in the flavours. The blueberry wasn't sweet, but the creamy vanilla made up for it. The mixture was simply amazing.

"This is so…gooooood" I drawled. Edward laughed as he crunched down on the last piece of cone.

"Feeling better?" he asked. I nodded eagerly and finished the rest of my ice cream quickly. My stomach thanked me for the food.

"Thank you" I said sincerely. Edward shot me one of his crooked smiles that I rarely saw. If I had of still been holding my ice cream, I would have dropped it in shock.

I was definitely falling for Edward Masen. And I couldn't help but get the feeling he was falling for me too, as hard as it was to believe or accept. I wouldn't have admitted it a few hours ago, but now I did. Maybe there was a chance that one day we would be together. Maybe one day he would kiss me without backing away. Maybe one day I would be able to call him mine.

"I'm glad I cheered you up" he said, placing his hand over mine. The feeling of his calluses on my soft, innocent hands was golden.

"You have the hands of a musician" I smiled. He pulled his hand away quickly.

"Sorry, do they hurt you?"

"Not at all. It felt nice."

He placed his hand back over mine and we sat there, smiling at each other and rubbing hands until it was time to head back to school.


	7. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6.**

**Edward.**

I was feeling pretty smug with myself. Smug with Bella. I was pretty happy that I decided to take her out. It was the least I could do.

I can't explain the elation that filled me when I finally saw that smile of hers. It felt like ages since I'd seen it spread across her gorgeous face. It was all I could do to keep myself under control when she was hugging me and crying her soul out. I almost fell apart with her.

The thing that really fucking annoyed me was that I didn't exactly know the cause of her breakdown. I knew it had a bit to do with the kiss I almost gave her, and a lot to do with the fact she thought I was only talking to her for my own amusement, but what else was it? I knew there was something more. It drove me insane.

She came back to my place after we walked back to school. We couldn't wipe the smiles off our faces; it was like that after sex euphoria. But of course we didn't have sex. We hadn't even kissed. And, although I really wanted to, I couldn't kiss her. Not yet. Not while I could see she was so messed up. It would just confuse us both more.

And neither of us fucking needed that shit.

"Mum, Bella's here" I announced before bringing her inside. I gave mum a chance to hide any grog or pills that may cause awkwardness. I heard some clinging of glass and some stumbling, then mum appeared out of the living room with a wide smile on her face.

"Bella, dear, how nice to see you!" she said with a small slur, not enough for anybody but her own son to notice. I was glad she wasn't completely pissed, but also sad. I was sad that she was still drinking. Her condition was getting worse and I didn't know how long she had until she snapped.

What would she do, when she did snap? Would she hit me, maybe? Would she hurt herself? The possibilities were vast, and each one hurt badly to think of.

"It's nice to see you too, Elizabeth" beamed Bella. Mum smiled warmly at her and took her into a sudden hug. Bella looked shocked and simply let my mother smother her, then she was finally released. I thought I noticed a hint of a tear in Bella's eyes. But maybe it was just the light. I hoped it was.

"What are you two doing today?" mum asked happily, clasping her hands together and looking hopefully between the two of us.

"Just hanging" I said offhandedly.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" mum asked. I could tell she wanted Bella's company. Ever since I had brought Bella over, mum had been saying how nice she was. How beautiful she was. How good she would be for me. She would only say that when she was sober, of course. When she was drunk she ignored the hell out of me.

"That sounds good" said Bella, "What movie?"

"No chick flicks" I said darkly. Both of the women in front of me burst into laughter.

"No, no don't worry Edward, no chick flicks."

Bella chuckled.

"How about a horror?" I suggested. Bella shrugged and mum walked into the living room, soon returning with Jeepers Creepers in hand.

"I haven't seen that one yet!" said Bella excitedly. We all moved into the living room to watch the movie, and I barely paid attention. I couldn't possibly pay attention with Bella hugged into my chest the whole time. All I could notice was her breath warming my chest, her hair in my face, her body pressed against mine.

I could only just stop myself from getting hard. That would have been a fucking nightmare.

Bella got scared a few times, and so did mum. Every now and then one of them would jump or let out a whimper. It was hilarious.

When the movie finished, mum turned the lights back on and saw how close Bella and I were sitting. She had a strange smirk on her face, like she was in on some joke. I knew exactly what was going through her mind. She was going to try and set us up.

Poor, naïve mum. She had no idea that Bella and I could never work. As much as I knew we both wanted it to, we weren't made for each other in a romantic sense. We just fucking weren't.

Bella pushed off me and scooted to the other end of the couch, but it didn't matter. The damage was done. We had given mum hope.

"I should get home. Even though I don't want to" she laughed. Mum had left us alone.

"Why not?"

"I love it here. It's so much better than home" she said, looking around at my shabby furniture and cracked walls. I had no fucking clue why she liked being here.

She must have read my expression, because she sighed and the sadness returned in her eyes.

"Mum left when I was a baby. It's just nice, you know, being around a motherly figure."

Fuck. That was it. That was what Bella kept secret. That was the source of Bella's despair. The source of her heartbreak, her shyness and her detachment from everyone. Instead of feeling sad for Bella, I suddenly felt mad at her mother. Whoever she was, she must have been heartless. How could she leave Bella? My beautiful, smart, funny Bella. She was my Bella now. My friend, the object of my affection, my counselor and my only vice. I had a feeling Bella knew this too, since she was hugging me again. Without any restraint. Without any doubts or hesitations. She was in my arms, willing me to kiss her.

But I didn't. I couldn't. I'd argued with myself day and night, and I just couldn't mess her up more than she already had been.

So I hugged her back, and that was all. I could feel her disappointment and her sadness. I wanted to tell her how much I desired to kiss her full lips, but that would only make matters worse.

She pulled away, faking a smile.

"I'll see you on Monday" she said.

"Why not on the weekend?"

"Oh, you want to do something?" she sounded shocked. I had to make it clear I wasn't asking her out on a date. I wanted to, but like most things, I couldn't.

"Yeah, well, I have a few errands to run; you could come with me to make it less excruciatingly boring."

"Sounds good" she said, moving to the door. I followed as mum walked into the room and pulled her into another surprising hug. Bella gasped, then turned and hugged my mother back. It was a moment for the two of them. It was like there was some silent agreement between the two; they were friends now. They both had smiles on their faces and there was something new in my mum's eyes. Faith.

"Hope to see you soon, love" mum said sweetly, leaving us alone again. I hugged Bella myself and said goodbye. I watched her walk back to her truck with a sigh.

How I wanted to kiss her.

**

I got drunk that night. There was nothing else to do. I would have visited Bella, but I needed to back off. I really did. There was no knowing what I might do if I indulged myself in her presence too much.

I sat on my floor, strumming at my guitar carefully, writing some notes down on a pad while I went. I was writing a song, I noticed. I played it over and over and realised how good it sounded. I took another swig of whisky and kept playing. It was becoming harder and harder to pluck the tough strings, but I kept on. By midnight I had a pretty good song on the way. Just no lyrics. I knew who I aimed to write lyrics. I knew who I wanted to sing the song.

I just had to figure out how to get her to.

I passed out some time beyond four am with a spilled bottle of whisky and a dead cigarette hanging out of my mouth limply. It was past lunch time the next day before I opened my eyes.

"Fuck" I hissed at the light coming in from my bedroom window. I got up very slowly, so slowly I wondered if I was moving backwards. Every limb was like iron, and my head felt like it was on fire and being beaten repeatedly by a hammer.

This was how my mother felt every morning. Fucking good on her.

Somehow I managed to limp to the shower and stand under the warm water for a few minutes. It cleared my head a little, but I still felt like death walking.

"Fuck you, McCarthy's" I grumbled as I gingerly got dressed. I emerged from my room an hour later to find mum smiling happily over a mixing bowl. She didn't look like she'd been drinking at all.

"Morning, Edward!" she said cheerfully, mixing the unknown contents of her bowl.

"What's that?" I asked groggily. She giggled at the sound of my voice.

Wait? She giggled?

This was not my mum. Even on her good days she wasn't this bubbly.

"I'm making brownies for Bella."

"For…Bella?"

"Yes, dear, do you not grow a brain until after two pm?" she asked with a smirk.

"Uh, no. Why are you…?"

"I don't know. I really like her, Edward" she said happily.

"Me too" I grumbled.

"I can tell."

She mixed the brownie mix for a while longer, then began to spread it out over a tray. It looked really good.

"She loves your cooking mum, she'll appreciate this" I said, rubbing the throbbing side of my head while sitting down at the tiny bench. Mum smiled up at me and popped the tray in the oven.

"What's the plan today?" she asked, getting me a mug of coffee. Bless her.

I rubbed my head again, "I don't know. I'm supposed to be taking her out. Not like a date or anything" I added hastily. Mum laughed.

"Sure it isn't. Where are you taking her?"

"I haven't got that far yet."

She handed me my mug of coffee and two aspirin tablets.

"How about to that ice cream parlor?"

"Did that yesterday" I said, popping the pills into my mouth and sipping down some coffee. Fuck, did it feel good to have that caffeine in my system.

"Hmm. Why don't you take her to the music store? You've had your eyes set on a new guitar for a long time now, and I have some money saved away for you" she offered. I paused my drinking to look at her. She would never usually give me money for something as luxurious as a new guitar. There was definitely something going on.

She handed me three hundred dollars and smiled at me, urging me to take it and not ask questions.

"But...what?..."

"Oh, Edward, not everything comes with a catch" she said airily, "Enjoy it."

"Mum, I can't take this. We need it."

"We won't much longer" she insisted. In the end, I took the money and dragged myself up the stairs to find my cell. Bella was number one on speed dial. A bit pathetic, don't you think?

"Hello?"

Her voice was bliss.

"Hey, it's Edward."

"No shit" she laughed.

"I'm coming to your place to pick you up. We're going out."

"We are?"

"Like I said" I said with a smirk.

"Sure. Be here soon?"

"Definitely" I said before hanging up. Just hearing her voice eliminated some of the dull pain in my skull. Or maybe it was the aspirin taking effect. Probably a mixture of the two.

I couldn't wait to see Bella, either way.

**Bella.**

I was pretty happy. Edward invited me out, after all. I thought he might just be hoping I forgot his promise to take me out. But he didn't! I was skipping around the house and making Charlie lunch when he called. I had to clamp my teeth down on my bottom lip to stop myself from squealing.

"I wonder where he's taking me" I said as I handed Charlie his steak sandwich. Oh, I spoiled him.

"What does it matter if you're not dating?" he asked angrily. I'd been talking about Edward all morning. I'd be getting angry at me too.

"Sorry" I said, running off to the bathroom to touch up my hair and wash my face again. By the end of my routine, I didn't look half bad. Too bad about the pale skin and the skinniness. I couldn't change that overnight.

When Edward knocked at the door I almost died from excitement. I'd decided after my embarrassing breakdown at school that I would be happy around him, that I would accept that he didn't want to be more than friends, and I would shut out any hopes that he might want something more. I would forget about the almost kiss, and I would stop picturing his ripped stomach muscles and large bulk in his pants. I would. I would. I would.

"Get the door, Bella!"

Whoops. I ran to the door and ripped it open.

"Steady there, Bella" Edward laughed. He looked so happy. We were both happy. This is how it should have been all along.

"Where are we going?"

"It's a surprise" he said mysteriously. We got on his Vesper and he drove off in the opposite direction of town. I had no idea where we were headed.

After a good twenty minute drive, we wound up out the front of another store I had never seen in my life. The front door was dusty and the windows were covered in flyers. I walked up to one and saw they were all for bands. This must have been a music shop.

"I kind of have an ulterior motive for bringing you here" Edward said, locking up his Vesper.

"And what is that?" I asked with a smile. He pulled out a handful of money and smiled sheepishly.

"Mum's letting me buy a new guitar."

"Edward! That's so good!" I squeaked. I wondered where he got the money, but I knew it would be rude to ask. He led me inside, I noted how he held my hand, which made me smile even further, and I gasped. The place was wonderful. It smelled of horse hair and wood with a hint of tobacco. So perfect.

"What type of guitar are you looking for?" I asked, fingering the strings of a jet black electric type.

"Just something practical. I don't care about brands much, just what sound they make" he admitted. I admired his indifference to brands and high priced guitars. Most kids at Phoenix Union wore the newest fashions, the priciest labels. It made me ill.

I followed him around the shop for a while, until he stopped at a second hand acoustic guitar that was covered in a thick layer of dust. It had no strings and a large scratch down the middle. It was charming.

"I want it" Edward said, looking at the price tag.

"Two hundred dollars for _that_?" I asked, incredulous. Edward laughed.

"It's an expensive brand. Even second hand it's barely affordable. I was looking to spend about one hundred."

"How much do you have?"

"Three hundred" he said quietly. Woah, even for me that was a hell of a lot of money to have resting in your back pocket.

"Buy it, then."

"I feel bad" he muttered, scooping up the guitar and stroking it like a pet.

"You're in love with it, you can't just leave it here" I said, watching him coo over the dusty guitar. He sighed.

"You're right."

"It just needs some new strings and some dusting and it will be perfect."

"I like it dusty" he said, "It gives it character."

I had to agree. Edward went to the front desk and purchased the guitar with some new strings and a new pick. I had a feeling he rarely used a pick, by the look of his hands. Today there were numerous band aids and new cuts on them. He must have been playing a lot since I saw him yesterday.

With his new guitar settled in a bag slung over his shoulder, a smile on both our faces, and money to spend, we set off walking along the unfamiliar streets.

"Would you like something to eat?" he asked.

"Yes. But I can pay."

"I have one hundred dollars to spend, Bella, don't be like that."

I sighed and let him buy me a nice Italian meal at a small, cozy restaurant. He sat next to me rather than across from me. I really enjoyed the intimacy. We ate and chatted until four o'clock and I was disappointed when Edward paid the bill and took me back to his Vesper. I didn't want the afternoon to end. I was so happy; it was something like a dream. Not one thing had gone wrong.

He dropped me off out the front of my house. I was really wishing that maybe he was going to take me back to his place for more scary movies and hugging, but no. My house. Not that I could complain. I had an excellent time.

"Thanks" I smiled at him, "I had so much fun."

"Yeah?" he asked, seeming unsure.

"An absolute ball" I admitted, "I hope you enjoy your guitar."

"I will. I have a few ideas about what I want to do with it."

"Do I get to hear these ideas?"

"Not just yet" he smirked. I turned to walk to my front doors, looking back over my shoulder at him and poking my tongue out. He threw his head back and laughed, letting the sun hit his face in a manner that made him look God-like. I had to turn back around to stop myself from drooling.

"I'll call you sometime tomorrow" he assured me as he sped off back home.

**

I cooked a large, tasty dinner for Charlie. Chicken Caesar salad. It was one of the best meals I could do. Charlie saw it and his jaw basically dropped to the ground.

"And what did I do to deserve this?" he asked skeptically.

"I'm just in a good mood."

"You've been in a lot of 'good moods' lately" he said, frowning. He pulled out his chair and sat down at the large, wooden dining table and licked his lips and the dish of salad sitting in front of him.

"You could say that" I reasoned. We ate our dinner and I actually listened to what Charlie was talking about for once. He had a hard day at the police station. He had to arrest two teenage girls for possession of cocaine and pull over various drunk drivers. I had to admire him. He was cleaning up Phoenix, one coke whore at a time.

I did the dishes and cleaned the kitchen to the best of my abilities. Which wasn't very good, to tell the truth. The dishwasher did most of the work, and for that I was grateful. I went to bed after that; it was just after nine. I needed sleep.

It was just moments, it seemed, after I had shut my eyes that Charlie burst in the door shaking me awake.

"What?!" I asked frantically. Something must have been very wrong. Even in the dark I could see his wide eyes and furrowed eyebrows. He just looked at me for a while, his cell in one of his hands.

"What's going on, dad?!" I was panicking. Badly.

"I just…got a call" he breathed out, sounding like he'd just seen a ghost.

"Dad, please, tell me" I begged.

"Elizabeth Masen is dead."

**A/N**: ...We all knew that was coming. Thank you to those whole have sent emails or reviewed. I really appreciate it, and it motivates me to write better. I also uploaded this to Twilighted, just in case you prefer to read white on black.

I love Laura; you are the beta of my dreams.


	8. Chapter 7

**A/N**: Thanks for the reviews, guys. They certainly encourage me to keep going. A lot of you are saying you didn't want, or expect Liz to die so early. Well, she was only the catalyst for my story, so I wasn't going to ramble on for a few extra chapters when it was not needed. And my writing gets progressively worse when I write too much, so I wanted to avoid that. Enjoy :P

**Chapter 7.**

**Bella.**

I spent a lot of the day crying, and when I wasn't bawling my eyes out, I was staring at my cell, debating in my head whether to call Edward or not.

I decided not to. He would call me first, right? I didn't want to intrude, but I didn't want to make him feel like I didn't care. Because I did care. I cared so much that my heart ached and my body was numb. I didn't even bother to get up from bed the whole day.

Charlie sat with me for a while, rubbing my back and attempting to calm me down. When he realised how little he was doing, he decided to go off to the station and leave me alone. I didn't know if I was relieved by this or saddened.

Elizabeth Masen had killed herself, Charlie told me. Overdose on muscle relaxants. Just the thought of it made me cry more. And Edward. Poor Edward. He would be shattered. Having a parent die is bad enough, but for a parent to kill themselves? To purposely take themselves out of your life? It must have been hell for him.

"Bella" came Charlie's croaky voice from my doorway, "You need to come and eat something, have a shower, talk to me."

Was he home from work already? What time was it? I moved my head the slightest to see it was dark outside. Not that it mattered. Time was irrelevant to me. All that mattered was Edward. What had happened.

"Please, Bells, I'm worried about you" Charlie said, his voice breaking into a small sob. That's all it took. I exploded into a fit of tears, coughing, screaming and whatever else. Charlie took me firmly into his arms and rocked me back and forth like a baby.

"It's terrible" I said. My voice was barely audible since I hadn't used it in over twelve hours.

"I know" Charlie said, "I know."

**

Three hours later, after a hot shower, a decent meal and some more hugs from Charlie, I was feeling a little better. But only a little. Edward still hadn't called. I was so, so worried.

"Should I just call him?" I asked Charlie. He frowned.

"I'm not an expert, Bella. I don't know."

"Would it be rude to just call him? Should I go and see him?"

"He'll probably be at the police station."

"Did you see him today?"

"No. Just Elizabeth…" Charlie broke into another small sob, and we were both gripping each other tightly again. I'd never been so physically close to Charlie, but I loved it. It was comforting, it was soothing and for a few seconds, it felt like everything was back to normal.

"I love you, Dad" I croaked through tears. He stroked my hair and hugged me to his chest.

"I love you too, kiddo."

I pulled away, "Should I call him, though? What do you think?"

"I said I don't know, Bells."

"Where will he live?" I asked suddenly, fretting. What would he do? Be sent to a foster home? Just the thought brought more tears to my already watery eyes.

"At his house. He's eighteen, he can do what he wants."

At least that was better than foster care. I couldn't bear to have him there, all alone. I couldn't bear to live without him. Touching.

"He must be heartbroken" I said sadly, wiping a tear away.

"Just let him deal with it in his own time. I think he will come to you when he wants to."

That's all I needed Charlie to say. I clamped my cell shut and flung it on the table. Now I just had to wait for Edward, not fret about whether I should be the one to call first.

"Want to watch a movie?" Charlie offered. No, I did not want to watch a movie. I wanted to hold Edward and tell him everything was going to be okay. I wanted to kiss his lips, play with his hair, sing him to sleep. I wanted to make sure he was managing. But to spare Charlie grief, I nodded my head and smiled weakly.

"Your choice" he offered. I scrambled to the floor and picked up the copy of Mean Girls I had watched not too long ago. Charlie groaned.

"I knew I would regret this."

"It's a classic" I said, placing the shiny disc into the DVD player. I caught a glimpse of my reflection and held in a gasp. I looked like a madwoman. I shuddered and sat back on the couch, next to Charlie. We watched the movie, had a few laughs, but it wasn't enough to distract me from the aching in my chest.

"I'm tired" I said truthfully once the credits began to roll. Charlie led me up to my bedroom and tucked me in. It was the sweetest thing he had ever done, and I brought a genuine smile to my face.

"Night, Bells. Sleep well."

I was beyond crying by then. Depression was leering over my body, ready to strike. Anxiety and fear swarmed in my head. Shock was still tingling in my fingertips. I was going to explode with emotion.

Luckily, I fell asleep not long after Charlie switched my lights off. Crying for twelve hours straight was tiring. I don't remember dreaming. I guess I didn't actually sleep for that long, because it was still dark when I heard something familiar.

_Tap._

I shot up from bed and, not bothering to fix my appearance, climbed out of the window in earnest. I could see the tall shadow of Edward leaning against the side of my house. Smoke was pouring out of his mouth, and pain was pouring out of him. It was almost suffocating. He wasn't doing well.

"Edward" I said breathlessly, "I'm so, so, so…" I couldn't finish as I burst into tears. Edward walked forward and swept me into his arms without any hesitation. He still hadn't spoken.

"Are you doing okay?" I asked stupidly. Clearly he wasn't. Clearly he was going through the toughest time in his life. And I just asked if he was okay. His mum just died, for Christ's sake.

He shrugged and let go of me, sitting down on the dry grass. I did so too, and I was instantly uncomfortable in the prickles and weeds that made up the majority of my garden.

"Say something" I begged. He put out his smoke against the side of my house and sighed. It wasn't the usual sigh I was used to hearing. It was loud, deep, cracked and almost hysterical. The sound itself made my heart break.

"I have no fucking idea what to do" he said finally, pulling at his hair with his hands. I grabbed them and started to rub the calluses tenderly, hoping to give him some kind of comfort.

"That's okay" I whispered, "Nobody does."

"How could she…?" he trailed off, staring up at the stars. I asked the same question myself throughout most of the day.

"I don't know, Edward. But I'm sure. No, wait, I'm certain it had nothing do to with you. She loved you" I was surprised at my controlled voice.

"You don't know that" he said dully.

"I do. I have eyes."

"She told me she hated me lots of times" he argued. Why was he arguing? It was obvious she thought the sun shone out of his ass. To her, he was everything. And I could just gather that from seeing the way she looked at him.

"We all say stupid things, things we don't mean."

"I just wish…"

"I know."

We hugged again, this time I felt a warm liquid drip down my neck. He was crying.

Oh, if I could have died from a broken heart right then, I would have. I can't explain the feeling that flowed through me. I could barely breathe. I needed to give him some hope, some glint of a future worth living for. The one thing that came to mind was something I had realised as soon as I heard Elizabeth had died. I had to tell him. So I did. I pushed him away so I could look directly into his green eyes. They glinted marvelously in the moonlight, and I almost found myself lost in them. It just proved what I was thinking, what I felt. I didn't care if he didn't feel the same; I just needed him to know. It was now or never.

"Edward, I love you."

**Edward.**

She was looking at me strange. Well, stranger than she had been. She looked tender, warm, loving. I wanted to kiss her. I wanted to see if that might dull the pain. But I just couldn't. I would not let myself fuck up her life, like I have my own.

"Edward, I love you" she said quietly. I didn't quite register what she said until a few moments after. My heart sped up, the hair on my bare arms stood up, I had goosebumps. She loved me? Surely, this was some fucking act of sympathy. Something to help me stay sane. I was way past that. I was never going to be sane again, if I ever had been in the first place.

Seeing my mum like that had fucking ruined me. I was gone. A lost cause. A complete fucking screw up.

I'd walked right into my house feeling all fucking smug and happy about buying my new guitar and spending the afternoon with Bella. I was even planning on making mum a nice dinner to say thanks. But no, not one day could go without drama. I couldn't have one day that would just roll along smoothly.

As soon as I walked in that house, the smell of vomit, blood and other bodily fluids hit me. It was disgusting; I almost gagged. I could also hint the lingering smell of alcohol.

At first, I thought she'd just passed out. I walked over to her and tried to wake her, avoiding the pool of vomit and blood. But after several attempts, I realised she was gone. Dead. Nothing. I knelt down in that mess and hugged her to me, crying like I never had before. Fucking dead. She was cold and lifeless. The feel of her icy skin, the smell of her vomit, the sight of the pills on the floor all struck me too suddenly. I passed out and woke up later with her body still in my arms. The fucking smell. It had worsened.

That image of her; her lifeless, clouded eyes, her limp body and porcelain skin, it would stay with me for a lifetime.

A few hours later I was at the police station, answering questions about mum's character. Okay, she was fucking depressed and killed herself. I told them that. But they had to ask more fucking questions, and as they asked more, the more personal they became. I wanted to die and join mum. I wanted to leave the world behind and cease to exist. It would be better than what I was going through.

And mum, what she had done to herself, what she had done to me, made me furious. Furious, yet sad. Depressed. Lonely. Hopeless.

The one thing that kept me from taking one of the officer's guns at the police station and pulling the trigger to my head was her. Bella. She kept me going.

And here she was, telling me she loved me, just to keep me alive. She didn't need to do that. Just her being here did that all on its own.

"Edward…" she whispered nervously. I realised I'd been quiet for a long time.

"You don't mean that" I said, not properly hearing myself speak. For all I knew, I could be speaking the Chinese fucking alphabet.

"I do. I love you."

"Fuck, Bella" I groaned, pressing my fists to my head violently. It probably looked like I was hitting myself. Eck, I wanted to hit myself. I wanted to do more, but I couldn't. No fucking way.

"It's true. And if you don't believe it, then I can't help that."

I looked up at Bella's pursed lips and creased forehead and realised…

She wasn't lying. She loved me.

"Y-You do?" I said, semi-happily. I felt guilty at feeling anything positive, but fuck. Bella Swan loved me. I loved Bella Swan.

She nodded shyly, and I leaned in closer to her to whisper, "I fucking love you too."

She was smiling at me like she couldn't be happier. I brought a hand to my mouth and felt I was mirroring her smile. I grabbed her by the shoulders and did what I wanted to do for what seemed like a lifetime. I crushed my lips to hers. They were warm, wet, soft, plump. I could get lost in them. They were fucking amazing lips.

She sighed and her mouth opened, allowing me entrance. I tasted her mouth, and it was lovely. I wiped away a tear that was crawling down her cheek and kissed her harder. I was on top of her within seconds with an erection and a heart rate that would alarm even the best of doctors.

Bella gasped for air.

"I think we need to stop."

I agreed with her. I didn't want to have sex with her for the first time lying on some prickly garden bed just outside her bedroom window. I sat back up and watched her reaction. She was smiling even more than before, and I noticed I was too.

"You sure know how to take a gal's mind off things" she joked, which brought me back to reality. Dead mum. No income. Alone in that shitty house for the rest of my life.

But now I didn't have to be alone. I had Bella, and that's all that mattered for the time being.

**

I didn't go back to school yet. I couldn't go back and face the sneers and taunts of those who hated me. Aka – the complete student body of PU. Bella was understanding of this, and brought home assignments for us to work on together. It took my mind off the upcoming funeral, that's for sure.

My house had been cleaned up, but I still stayed well out of the living room. I barely went downstairs. A lot of the time I would just sit in my room, get drunk, and strum on my new guitar.

Mum had given me the money because she felt guilty. She knew she was going to kill herself. She'd planned it ages ago. But what did she mean, I wouldn't need to worry about money any longer? Was she delusional? Did she spend her last hours under the delusion that we were going to become rich, or did she really have something planned? But what did it matter, anyway? She was gone. Whatever plans she had, she threw them away when she did so with her life.

Was it wrong to feel fucking angry at her for this? How could she leave me? I loved her. I fucking loved her to bits. All of those years, I kept hold of my sanity for her. Just for her. Could she never see that? I thought she did. I thought we had an understanding.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Bella asked me, sprawled out on my bedroom floor. It was a wonder we managed to make room for our work on the floor. I rubbed my forehead and sighed. I was pretty hungover; and it was three pm. Yeah, I had issues. I just hoped Bella wouldn't notice.

If she had noticed, she didn't show it. She was happy and bouncy and everything I loved. We barely got any work done that afternoon in my bedroom. We mainly kissed and hugged. But now she meant business.

"About what?" I asked, playing dumb.

"Tomorrow" she rasped. Her eyes were sad again and I wanted to tell her to mind her own business. But it _was_ her business. _I _was her business.

"I don't know."

I hadn't had anything to do with the funeral. Mum's sister, Jenna, had come up from Australia to plan the whole thing. I barely even remembered what time it was on.

"I just want you there" I said to Bella, bringing her body close to mine and kissing her softly. Every kiss I planted on her lips was a miracle. It lifted me up into a happier place, a place where I wasn't just some fuck up orphan, a place where I cared for my own well being.

I never stayed in that place long.

"You look awful" Bella said, breaking free of my kiss.

"You've told me" I said, running my hands through my hair. I felt some loose hairs come out with my hands, but didn't let Bella see. I didn't need her to worry more.

She'd worry, though, when I would wake up one day as bald as Homer Simpson. Fuck.

I didn't blame Bella for nagging me about my appearance. I knew I looked bad. I looked awful. In the four days since mum died, I hadn't eaten a thing. I was lucky to have a coffee in the morning. What didn't help was the fact I spewed my guts up every night from some degree of alcohol poisoning. I was thinner than her now. My eyes were tight and looked bruised. My hair was raspy and thinning. My skin had taken a new paler tone. My hands were shaky. I was losing it.

I was a complete fucking mess.

"I'm just worried about you" she sighed. I turned her face to mine with a slightly shaky right hand.

"I know. And I thank you for it."

We kissed again, and it seemed like nothing in the world could touch us. The harsh reality of my life came back once her lips parted from mine.

"You need to get home to Charlie" I pointed out. I didn't want her to leave, yet I didn't want her to stay either.

"I can stay a while longer."

Alcoholic Edward won over Greedy Edward and spoke up. Alcoholic Edward needed a drink, and that couldn't happen with Bella around.

"You should go, please."

"I'll see you tomorrow. I'll call you tomorrow morning to check in."

To check that I'd still be alive, she meant.

"Okay" I said, standing up with a swagger. She pulled my face to hers and kissed me goodbye.

I would now spend the next sixteen hours getting drunk and wishing she was kissing me.

Not bothering to wash up or get dinner, I headed straight for my stash. I pulled out a bottle of scotch and took a few gulps. The warm tingling spread through every part of my body and I already felt better. I chuckled stupidly and headed for my guitar, taking another few sips.

I started refining the song I'd written a few days ago. The one I wanted Bella to sing to. The one I wrote for Bella.

By the end of my drunken tirade, the song was perfect. I beamed at the sheet of music and sculled the last of the bottle. I blacked out soon after.

This was how I spent my nights. This was how I wanted to live.


	9. Chapter 8

**A/N**: Thanks, everyone, for your kind words. This chapter's pretty angsty, and things won't be getting better for at least a few chapters. Just a warning.

My beta, Laura, is sick right now, so I uploaded this without any beta reading. I proofed it to my best ability.

**Chapter 8.**

**Bella.**

"Do you have to wear black to a funeral?" I asked Charlie, who was fussing over his charcoal suit and white tie. He looked quite smart, apart from the pained expressing on his face along with the unkempt beard he was sporting.

"Not particularly. It's just respectful."

"Oh" I said, eyeing the set of clothes I had laid out on the dining table. I didn't really worry about what I was going to wear; I was just filling in time until Elizabeth's funeral.

I opted for a pair of my oldest jeans and a white blouse. I didn't need to dress in black to respect Elizabeth. I already respected her. Look at the gift she had given me – Edward Masen!

"This is going to be a tough day for everybody" Charlie said to me, stroking my hair.

"Especially Edward" he added. He had warmed to Edward, though I couldn't help but think it was all out of sympathy. He didn't even flinch when I had announced we were together now. A couple. Edward Masen was my boyfriend!

But no, this wasn't the right time to be happy. Elizabeth was dead, Edward was broken. Phoenix was filled with sadness. Even those who barely knew Elizabeth protested that her funeral should be public. They wanted to pay their respects and Jenna, Edward's aunty, let them.

I really liked Jenna. She had short, blond hair and a twisted Australian accent. She had a lot of her sister in her, and to me, she was a mirror of what Elizabeth would have been like before the depression.

"We're picking Edward up" I said to Charlie, "In ten minutes. Shit."

"Language, Bella Swan" Charlie said sternly, fiddling with his tie. I shrugged and grabbed Charlie's car keys. I waved them in his face until he finally gave up on his shabby tie and grabbed them out of my hand, muttering curses under his breath.

"Language, Charlie Swan."

**

"Hey, Edward" I greeted, poking my head out of the car window, "Hop in."

I didn't know whether to be sad or cheery for the funeral. Did I want to show Edward I was strong, did I want to be the light in this all? Or, did I want to show I cared for Elizabeth as if she were my own mother, and cry as I needed?

I chose a comfortable in between.

Edward wasn't wearing all-black, much like myself. I was glad I hadn't made a fool of myself.

"You look very beautiful" he whispered, grabbing onto my hand tighter than usual. I could smell alcohol on his breath and frowned.

This wasn't the time to start an argument. He needed to grieve.

"Hello, Edward" said Charlie from the front of the police car. Edward nodded to him in the reflection of the rear-view mirror.

"How are you holding up?" Charlie asked, taking off toward the funeral gardens.

"Alright, sir, considering the consequences."

Charlie inhaled sharply and stared out of the front windscreen. Good question, Charlie.

I patted Edward's thigh with my free hand and he smiled across at me. There was something loose about his smile. Goofy, even. The alcohol had loosened him up.

It didn't take long for us to pull up to the funeral garden. There were a lot of cars parked along the gutter and a hearse. I heard Edward curse under his breath at the sight of it, so I rubbed his thigh again. Tears welled in my eyes.

"S'ok, Bella" he muttered, learning over to plant a small, modest kiss on my cheek. I saw Charlie frown in the reflection of the mirror.

"Are you ready?" I asked once the car had come to a stop. Edward didn't respond immediately, instead he looked into my eyes blankly.

"That was a really stupid question" he said evenly. Of course it was a stupid question, but what else was I supposed to say? I hadn't ever had to deal with death before; I had no idea how to act around Edward.

"I-I-I'm sorry" I spluttered.

"Don't worry, let's go."

Charlie had already left the car and started to mingle with the attendees. He was talking to Jenna, they were laughing and chatting. They didn't look like they belonged at a funeral. Jenna had red eyes, but she held herself well. Her dress was short and lacy. Not black, but a deep grey. It looked lovely on her. She had black gloves and dark sunglasses resting on her head. She looked like some kind of supermodel. That dress must have been very, very expensive.

Edward led me to her, stumbling slightly on his way out of the car. Nobody noticed, except for me.

"Edward, Bella" she greeted us in a silky voice, "I'm so glad you're here."

Here, at her sister's funeral? How did that make her glad? It made me feel a bit better, knowing I wasn't the only one who blurted out stupid things when coping with death.

"Sorry" she muttered.

"It's alright" I said, nudging Edward's bare arm. He snapped out of whatever had pulled him under, and he smiled at Jenna.

"Hey, Aunty Jenna."

"What a sad, sad day, Miss Masen. My condolences" said a tall, burly man walking past. I noticed he was our principle at Phoenix Union. Mr. Whatshisname…

"Thank you" Jenna said, bowing her head. The priest up front called everybody to their seats, and the conversation that was flowing through the air died instantly. Edward, Charlie, Jenna and I made our way to the front seats. They were reserved for us. To my right sat Edward, and to my left sat an old man whom I didn't know.

"Hello" he said gloomily.

"...Hi" I whispered back.

"How did you know my daughter?"

"I'm her son's girlfriend" I choked out. Here was Elizabeth's father, and wow, did he look shattered. Almost more than Edward. My heart broke a little more at the look on his face, like he had lost all hope for life.

"My wife died two years ago" he stated, "Now Liz…" he broke into sobs. I rubbed his shoulder, not knowing what to say.

"The name's Brian" he said, wiping his eyes with a handkerchief. I nodded and smiled.

"Bella."

"It's very nice to meet you, Bella. Sorry about my blubbering…"

"You don't have to be sorry for anything" I said. He offered me a weak smile, then proceeded to weep into his hands. I let him be.

Turning to Edward, I realised he had begun to sob himself. To somebody sitting a few seats away, you would not be able to tell he was. But here you could. Each sob was whisper quiet and raspy. His eyes were directed at the coffin that was sitting just ahead of us. He looked at it like it was the most disgusting thing he had ever seen. You wouldn't even be able to pick that his mother was in there, if he hadn't been crying.

"Edward" I soothed, rubbing his stomach and leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. He found my hand with his own and held it firmly to his stomach. It growled.

It was then I realised I could not remember the last time I saw him eat. If I had dinner at his house, he insisted he would eat later, and I was left stuffing fries into my mouth like the pig I was, while he sat at the dining table with a strange look on his face.

I was pretty stupid to have just been figuring that out then. He was so thin. His face was gaunt and his eyes sunk into his head.

How had I let him get like this?

"It's alright Edward, I'm here" I whispered. He gave a weak smile and shushed me, as the priest had just begun his eulogy.

It was long and impersonal. That's the only way to describe it. The priest drawled on about how much of a life Elizabeth Masen led. He never went into details.

"Elizabeth's son, Edward Masen, would like to say a few words" he said, snapping me out of my thoughts. Edward got up sloppily from his place and dragged himself to the podium, where he cleared his throat and stared at the audience with resentment. They would have just seen this as sadness, but I knew the subtle differences in his face; the creased forehead and tight eyes. They killed me.

"Thank you for your respect" he said bitterly. I could tell he didn't mean what he said at all. He fiddled with a crumpled piece of paper bearing his speech. It wasn't in his writing.

"My mother would have loved seeing all of you here today. She would be thanking you all right now herself."

He paused and gave me a pained expression. He didn't want to say the rest.

"My-my mother was a kind, caring woman who loved everyone. She never held grudges and had the most amazing smile you could ever see…" Edward trailed off, staring blankly into space. His voice was flat and emotionless. He wanted to get out of there.

"I'm sorry" he said suddenly, screwing up the paper in his right fist, "I can't finish this."

He jumped quickly off the podium and jogged back to his seat, looking a mess.

"Jen wrote that for me. Load of bullshit" he muttered. I gave him a small smile and rested my head on his shoulder. Jenna spoke her own pre-written speech, as did Brian and a few other people Elizabeth knew. They all ended up in tears, and by the end I felt like there may be no heart left in me to be broken. It went on for a few more minutes, until the priest allowed us to say our final goodbyes. Brain was the first. He wept over her dead body until Jenna walked up to him and peeled him off. Edward was next. My heart raced at what might happen. I was worried for him.

He stood facing her, so his back was to me, and stared down at her for a very, very long time. Nobody told him to hurry up. Eventually, he knelt down to her body and touched her. I could see his long arms stretched out, grasping her shoulders.

The next thing almost gave me a heart attack.

He pulled her body up to him and proceeded to shake her back and forth. Her whole body rocked stiffly and the audience let out cries and gasps of shock. I joined them.

The priest started to yell at Edward, and he let Elizabeth's body fall back into the coffin. He turned to face the audience, and he grimaced. Some looked offended, some looked saddened. Edward stumbled back to the chair next to me and put his head in his hands. I couldn't handle it any longer; I pulled him into my chest firmly and held him there, like it would protect him from the horrors of his life. I would give anything to make them go away.

"It will all be okay, Edward" I whimpered into his ear. He sighed in reply. I knew he didn't believe me, but one day, we would remember Elizabeth in a positive way. We wouldn't cry whenever we thought of her. We would smile at the things she did, how she tried to set us up. Edward's pain would never completely go away, I knew that. But it would get easier. It had to.

**

The wake was held in the front garden of Edward's house. Jenna had set up more chairs and some tables loaded with food and cupcakes. Soft music emitted from the living room out into the garden. It was all very nice, but sad. Edward stood next to the food table with a plastic white cup in his hand. I guessed it wasn't lemonade.

"Go on and talk to Edward, honey, I have to mingle" Charlie said to me, giving my back a slight push. I did what he suggested and ran up to Edward, giving him a big kiss on his lips. He smiled when I pulled away, but it faltered quickly.

"I'm sorry" he said, taking a chug out of his cup. I thought I could smell rum, but I didn't think too much on it.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"Today. Being so…"

"Edward" I interrupted, "You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for."

He looked at me warily, and sighed. It was that sigh I didn't like.

"I'm bringing you down with me."

"I would be down anyway. It was a funeral" I said obviously. Edward chuckled a little, but it was passionless and hollow. Startling me, he pulled me into a bone-crushing hug. My eyes almost popped out of their sockets; he was squeezing me so tight. I would have pulled away, but I heard him crying. I squeezed him as tight as he was me, until he let go and hid his face behind his arm.

"You're allowed to cry" I whispered, leading him inside. He followed me, pouring the last dregs out of his cup into his mouth and throwing it on the lawn carelessly. I took him all of the way up to his room and sat with him in silence, just holding him close and rocking him back and forth. This was my duty. I was his girlfriend.

I would give my everything to see his crooked, carefree smile once again.

**Edward.**

She was so good to me, Bella. I didn't deserve her. Here I was, drunk as my mother, being looked after by my girlfriend. I was dragging her with me into my dark pit of depression. Just being near me had that effect on people, it was obvious. Not many people talked to me for long. Bella was the only fucking one who stayed.

And she was the only one whom I didn't want to stay. She couldn't spend this much time with me; I would ruin her. As much as I needed and craved her touch, it would lead to her demise. I just fucking knew it.

"Bella. I'm no good for you" I whispered to her. She stopped rocking me and held me away from her so she could get a good, long look at my face. Why she would want to, I have no clue.

"You don't know what you're saying" she said.

"I do. You're going to end up just like me" I broke off into a sob at just the thought. I was a fucking pussy.

"I won't. I'm here to help you."

"I d-don't think this is good at all…"

"Please, Edward. Don't push me away" she pleaded. How could I argue with her? She was the only beacon of light in the dark place I was in. She was my whole life now.

"I'm not a selfless person. I can't push you away" I admitted. She smiled and brought me back to her chest, stroking my hair and rocking me again. She was pulling out small strands of my hair, and she knew it, but she didn't let me know she was bothered by it.

"What's this?" she asked, pulling a piece of paper from underneath her. It was the song I had written – for her. I felt embarrassment flood my face; it must have been the only colour it had seen it days. She stroked my red cheeks and giggled.

"What is it?" she smirked. I sighed and took it from her hands. It was a really nice song, why was I so nervous to tell her? Why should I be worried about such a trivial thing when mum was dead? I hated being such a fucking teenager. It made me feel sick.

"Just some song…" I said offhandedly, throwing it aside. Bella reached over me and took it back into her hands, reading it strictly.

"This is good, from what I can tell. I don't know how to read much sheet music…"

"It's shit" I lied.

"Do you have lyrics?"

Just what I didn't want her to fucking ask. I couldn't admit to her that it was written for her. To persuade her to sing. She'd feel betrayed, like I was trying to push her into it. I couldn't let her feel that. Not today. I needed her today.

I got lost in the argument going on in my head, until something brought me back. One of the most shocking, yet heavenly noises I had ever heard.

Bella was singing. She was singing quietly, but I could still hear it. The soft, yet strong words flowing out of her mouth in French made my heart almost stop beating. I was afraid to breathe. I was afraid to do anything that might ruin this. This moment; for it may just be the best moment in my life. Her eyes watched mine cautiously as she progressively became louder. The louder she became, the faster goosebumps spread over my skin.

It was like there was an angel sitting across from me on my bed, singing me something sent from the heavens.

Even though I was a strict Atheist, that was the only description for the sound of Bella singing.

When she finished, I realised my jaw had dropped. My eyes were watering. My whole body was quivering.

"Sorry" she said, getting up to leave the room.

"No. Bella" was all I could say. I grabbed her arm and pulled her body to mine, crashing my lips down onto hers, tasting her mouth which had just produced the sweetest song I had ever heard, tasting her beauty. When we parted, she looked surprised, as if she had been expecting me to just laugh at her, to ridicule her.

"You are the most amazing person I have ever met" I managed to say, then pulled her into yet another blissful kiss. We moved back to the bed, our hands a tangle of passion. Touching each other in tender areas. Her breasts, they were more incredible than they looked under that see-through white top, her stomach was warm and soft. I held myself over her, much like I did that time in the school courtyard. Our kissing became faster and more desperate, I moved my hands faster, she moved hers stronger. She pressed her palm against my throbbing erection and I let out a gasp.

She really wanted to have sex. The moisture I could feel spreading across her pants was evidence. But I couldn't – wouldn't – take advantage of her like that on such a terrible and emotional day.

I broke away from her lips and let my hands rest on her stomach. It felt like the hardest thing I'd ever had to do.

"We can't."

"I want to" Bella urged, pressing her hands harder against my erection. I moaned and swore.

"You're not thinking straight."

I was surprised that I, the drunk one, could show an example of such self control, when Bella, the reasonable one, was willing to give herself up to me in an instant.

"And you are thinking straight?" she asked, pursing her lips, "You're the one who's been drinking all day."

Oh. So she noticed that. I let my face morph into a grimace.

"I'm still thinking straighter than you right now" I argued, pushing myself off of her, "You're willing to have sex, right now, during my mother's wake?"

I couldn't hide the hint of anger that laced my voice. Bella flinched the slightest bit and looked at me sadly.

"I thought it would take your mind off of it" she said, sounding defeated.

"Nothing is going to. As much as I want to fuck you, Bella, we can't…"

"I know" she admitted, sitting upright and straightening out her clothes.

I kissed her cheek and stood up, taking her with me. She didn't show any signs of annoyance or anger, even. She just looked sad.

"Want to go back down?" I asked. She shrugged.

"Whatever you want. To me, today is about you."

**

By the end of the wake, if I had to hear the word 'sorry' one more time, I thought I might blow my fucking fuse.

I had to nearly knock Bella out and take her home to make her leave. It took a good hour to persuade her that I would be okay. That I just needed some rest. Truth be told, I did need rest. But I didn't want it. I wanted booze.

I staggered over to the alcohol cabinet, took a full bottle of bourbon in my hands and headed to the bathroom. I turned the faucets in the shower on and adjusted the water so it was really fucking cold. I didn't like heat. I sat down, naked, on the tiled floor and drank until the freezing water had made my skin turn a strange shade of purple. My teeth were chattering and my vision was blurred. Yep, I was on the verge of hypothermia and alcohol poisoning. I got out of the shower, slipping and hitting the wall with my head on the way, and got dressed into boxers and a loose shirt. I made my way to the living room and watched television for the rest of the night. I didn't once fall asleep. Not even for a second.

Bella was knocking at my door at seven am. Who else would it be? I tried to smooth my hair and make myself look less alarming, but it was no use. I opened the door and she gasped.

"Did you sleep at all?" she frowned, touching the sore place on my forehead, which I had hit the night before.

"Yes."

I was good at lying to her. She believed me and burst into the house with arms full of plastic containers.

"What are you doing?"

"We're having breakfast together" she said happily, making her way to the kitchen. I had to stifle a groan. I didn't want to eat. I had no appetite at all. Not once did the thought of eating food enter my mind in the past five days.

Bella started to pull out eggs, bacon and bread from her containers. I shuddered at the thought of digesting that greasy, fatty bacon and eggs. I didn't want to eat them at all.

"Bella. You woke me up" I lied again. My nose was going to be fucking huge by the end of the day.

"Eating is more important" she said, pulling out a pan from the far cupboard.

"I am eating."

Another lie.

"When was the last time you ate? And what was it you ate?" she put the pan aside and rested her hands on her hips. She had that look again. Pursed lips, furrowed brows. She was ticked off.

"Last night, I had…" I hesitated. Bella scoffed.

"Liar."

"I'm not fucking hungry" I growled, "Come back later when I am."

She was going to be late for school. She noticed this too, looking at the clock on the wall. With a sigh, she stowed away the eggs and bacon in my fridge, left the bread on the island and threw the containers in my basin.

"I'll be back after school. And you _will_ be eating" she snapped. I nodded and gave her a fake smile.

"Of course."

She stormed out and left me to my bourbon.


	10. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9.**

**Bella.**

Things with Edward had gone downhill. So downhill, in fact, that we barely touched or spoke. I know he still loved me, I could see that in his eyes. Although they were glazed over and cold, there was a spark in them. That spark was love.

He would touch me and talk with me if he had the strength. It had been three weeks since Elizabeth's funeral, and Edward was getting paler and skinnier each day. He was losing touch with reality, going in and out of consciousness and hallucinations every few hours.

It was emotionally exhausting, sitting beside his bed and trying to get something out of him. I did this each night from five until twelve. Charlie wouldn't let me stay overnight, and I had no clue as to why. It wasn't like we were going to have sex; Edward could barely move his arms. I had to drag him to the toilet, shove water down his throat. But if it wasn't alcoholic, he wasn't interested.

I didn't know how much longer Edward would last, or how much longer I would last.

"Edward" I said softly, walking through his bedroom door. I was met with that smell that hung in the air of his room thickly. It wasn't necessarily a bad smell, but it wasn't good either. It was a mixture of tears, body odor and alcohol. It was the smell of what Edward had become, what had taken over him. It was the smell of depression.

"Bemmrhllsa" he slurred out, gesturing limply to the bottle of rum he had let fall to the floor. I sighed and, hating myself for it, scooped it up and held it to his mouth. He needed the water in it; he needed the tiny amount of nutrients it held.

I slid my bag off my shoulder and sat beside his bed, feeding my boyfriend rum like he was a baby goat. Our lives were pathetic. Edward was a useless wreck, and I was encouraging him. I had tried a few times to deny him alcohol, to make him eat and bathe, but he hated me for it. Almost as much as I hated myself for being so weak, and caving in. Giving him what he wanted. Supplying the addict with his drug.

I remembered when it seemed like I was his drug. That wasn't too long ago. He would call me, kiss me, and love me, any time of day, anywhere we were. He relied on me for strength and comfort, and I helped him.

But one day that all hit the fan. Something went wrong in his head, and since then, he has laid in bed, doing nothing, feeling nothing, except the need for alcohol.

I had ruined him, and I still couldn't stop. His relief, when taking that sip of rum, was my own drug. I needed him to drink, it was all he consumed, and I needed him to stay with me. But, there was this part inside of me which I often ignored, that knew the alcohol he was drinking each day was bringing him closer and closer to death. He would probably be better off without it, a doctor might say so, but he would not eat or drink a thing unless it was rum, wine, vodka, whiskey…

I let a tear fall down my cheek and wiped it away with my upper arm awkwardly as I kept feeding Edward his drug.

I truly and utterly hated myself. I was a monster, I was a murderer. I was killing Edward Masen.

**

"Thank you, doctor" said Charlie into his cell as I stumbled through the front doors at exactly midnight. He was sitting on his recliner, with the TV on mute, chatting and taking notes with whoever was on the other side of that call.

"Yes, yes. I will, Carlisle. Call me Charlie."

He sounded pretty chummy with this 'Carlisle'. He was a doctor? Why did Charlie need a doctor? Or maybe it was for me? There was nothing wrong with me, apart from everything, of course, but Charlie didn't know about that. Nobody did. I wouldn't complain at all, not when Edward was on his death bed. Nothing I would complain about would even compare to what he was going through.

"Who was that?" I asked Charlie, throwing my bag down on the couch and sitting down with an exhausted sigh. Charlie tucked his cell away in his back pocket and watched me silently before answering.

"Dr. Carlisle Cullen."

"And?" I asked irritably. He said it like I was supposed to know who 'Dr. Carlisle Cullen' was.

"You've never heard of him?"

"Can't say I have…"

"He's a very well-known surgeon and psychologist. He has more degrees under his belt than any other doctor in this part of the U.S." Charlie explained. Oh, maybe I had heard of him somewhere. The name was quite familiar, but not enough for me to care.

"Oh" I mumbled. Hang on…

"Why do you need a psychologist? Or are you getting surgery? What for?" I asked, sitting up straighter. Was there something Charlie wasn't telling me?

"No. He's not for me…or you" he added, seeing the expression on my face.

It was then that I understood.

"Edward" I whispered, my eyes welling with warm tears. It was a surprise that my tear ducts were still functional, after the month I had experienced.

"Yes. You're not the only one worried about him."

Charlie was worried too. I felt a love for Charlie I had never felt before, and I rushed over to give him a big kiss on his forehead. When I pulled away, he smiled. But it was a sad sort of smile. The one you see on parents who are about to break some very bad news.

"He wants to take Edward into hospital."

"What?!" I cried out. This Dr. Cullen couldn't do that. No. Edward would rather die. He didn't want to be taken care of, he wanted alcohol. He would be miserable…more miserable. He would be taken away from me.

I was selfish.

"It's best for him, you know that, Bells" Charlie said with a frown. He was looking at me like I was being a selfish child. And I was.

"B-b-but" I began to sob, "He'll be…s-so unhappy."

"But healthy" Charlie pointed out. He had a point.

"Okay" I sighed, wiping my eyes, "Maybe it is a good idea…but I still…"

"He'll die without this, Bella."

"I know" I said, my lip trembling.

"You can tell him, if you like, that might make it less painful for him."

"Yes."

"Bella?"

"What?"

"You can go there now and tell him. Carlisle is coming at six tomorrow morning. He's leaving tomorrow."

"W-where to?"

"A hospital near by. About a fifteen minute drive, I think."

That wasn't too bad. I admitted defeat and headed back to Edward's for the last time in what I guessed would be a very, very long time.

I walked up those rickety stairs and through his splintered door into his room. He wasn't asleep. He was lying on the ground, facing the ceiling with wide eyes. It looked a bit like he was on some acid trip.

I really hoped he wasn't.

"Edward?"

He nodded his head the slightest to let me know he was aware of my presence.

"You haven't g-got good news h-have youuuh?" he asked slowly. My whole life shattered into pieces whenever I heard him speak. He sounded like a child with a disability, and it was so incredibly sad.

"No" I said quietly. My voice was strained and shaky.

"T-tell me."

"A doctor is coming tomorrow morning to take you to hospital. I'll be there every day to help. I promise" I choked on a sob. Edward didn't move or speak for what felt like days. I remained standing in his doorway, waiting for a response.

But there was none.

"Edward. I'm sorry. But I don't want you to…die."

Edward kept looking up at that stupid ceiling, never meeting my eyes. I was afraid he hated me, that this betrayal was the final straw in our relationship. Maybe he didn't love me anymore.

I didn't deserve that love, though. So I had no right to be worrying. If he didn't love me anymore, fine, it would hopefully teach me a lesson.

Though, I didn't want to be taught that lesson. I wanted to be with Edward forever. I wanted to take care of him, be his rock, and be his world, since he was mine.

"I'm sorry Edward. Goodnight."

I left his house weeping.

**

Charlie was always a terrific dad to me. Sure, he cared about me, loved me. He did all of his duties with perfection. He was everything a dad should be.

But with me, Charlie being a terrific dad just wasn't enough. I needed that advice you can only get from a mother. I needed that helping hand when I first got my period, when I started going through puberty. I needed a mother.

I cannot possibly be more grateful for having Charlie around. I'd hate to think of what my life would have been without him. He and I both knew that I was suffering without mum. Some people say, 'You can't miss what you've never had'. They are wrong. I've never had a mother, not really. She gave birth to me, went out working while Charlie stayed at home with me, and she left. Just left. So, in my opinion, Renee was never a mother to me.

I've never had a mother, yet, there I was, sitting in my room sobbing into the knees of my jeans. I needed a mother. I needed Renee. I needed her to be a mother to me. She would know exactly what to say, she just would. She would hold me and let me cry into her hair. That's what a mother would do.

I'd never missed her as much as I had then. Maybe it was because of Edward. Maybe he really was pulling me down with him.

Secretly, I knew he was, but I couldn't admit to it. I always found some excuse in my mind for him. I always defended him.

_I've always been sad, it's not Edward's fault._

_Having no mother has nothing to do with Edward._

_He's troubled, he's going through more than I could possibly imagine, and he's not meaning to drag me into depression with him._

_He would never do that to me on purpose._

I tried everything. But there was still that part of me that knew he was responsible for the mess I was now. It was selfish and unkind to think that, but I did. And I hated myself even more for it. I was a wretched person, a heartless beast.

At five the next morning, I decided to have a shower and see Edward before he would be taken away from me. I made myself look as nice as possible, not that he would notice. It just felt right to dress up, do my hair, and put on some makeup. Maybe he would finally see me as his girlfriend, and not his only means of getting alcohol.

This was another act of selfish Bella. I wanted recognition, I wanted to be acknowledged. Was it too much to ask?

Yes, it was too much to ask. I decided that when I walked into Edward's bedroom, wearing a delicate, dark blue blouse and nice jeans. He wasn't there.

I searched the bathroom; he wasn't there.

Panic grew inside of me, and I started to cry. Where was he?

I searched the living room, the kitchen, the back yard; he wasn't there.

"Edward!" I called out, scrambling through the mess that was his home. There was only one place I hadn't looked, and I feared to go in there.

Elizabeth's bedroom.

The door creaked loudly as I pushed it open. Smells of flowers and smoke ran up my nose; it was her smell. I remembered it from the first time I met her. It was a motherly smell, something I'd never smelled in my life.

"Edward?" I asked quietly, looking around blindly in her dark bedroom. The sun hadn't risen yet, so I groped the walls for a light switch. There.

_Click._

I looked for Edward. That bronze hair, those green eyes, that sullen face.

He. Wasn't. There.

**Edward.**

I hadn't had a drink that whole night. I couldn't possibly, although my body was calling out to me, urging me to take that bottle of rum and drink it in one go. It would ease the pain, it would help me forget.

But no, I couldn't. I wouldn't turn to alcohol tonight. I needed to have a clear mind.

Bella told me I would be taken away that morning. Six am sharp. She sounded so heart broken when she told me, and I couldn't bear to look at her. I would probably end up in tears myself, and that would only depress her more.

I tried to block her out, push her away, protect her from what I had become. But she kept fucking coming back. She wouldn't quit. Every night, she poured some sweet nectar down my throat and watched me get drunker and drunker with a look of defeat on her beautiful face. It made me feel like a fucking loser.

And I deserved every inch of that feeling.

I hoped that she would have given up by now, that she would have gone back to her usual routine. I hoped she would eventually forget about me, and the fucking horrible vegetable I had become.

Hearing that I was going to some hospital soon angered me, but it brought a sense of sadness, too. Bella and her dad obviously cared about me; they showed me a care I didn't deserve by sending me away. I wasn't mad that I had to leave this house. I was actually relieved.

I was mad that I had let myself get to this state, where my last hope was twenty four hour watch at some psych ward in a hospital.

I was a fucking lowlife, alright.

Feeling like an absolute fuck, I got up groggily from my place on the floor of my bedroom. I looked sideways at the alarm clock; the bright green numbers read four thirty am. I had no doubt Bella would be coming soon, to say her goodbyes, to apologize. She had nothing to apologize for. I was the one who needed to.

Okay, look, I was essentially a deadshit. All the way through. You can pick up a rotten apple, polish it so it shines, but inside it's still brown and mushy. You can't change that. Bella had to know that I was a rotten apple, and although for a while she had kept me shiny, the polish was wearing off. The brown, rotten interior of me was seeping out for all to see.

She would see that in forty-odd minutes, when she would burst into my room to find me gone. She would probably search the whole fucking house, calling out for me. I hoped it wouldn't take her too long to realise I had left Phoenix. Forever.

I didn't tell anybody about the visit I had been paid the day before. Somehow I managed to stumble to the front door and swing it open. A serious-looking man in a navy blue suit stepped into my house and started talking about my mum's will.

She had left me over two hundred thousand dollars.

Why hadn't she used that money while we were struggling? The answer was obvious. She knew she was going to kill herself some day, and she wanted to leave me with as much money as possible. I couldn't pick whether the money was a sign of her trying to compensate for her suicide, or just a general need to provide for me, even from beyond the grave.

The shock had worn off, and in my bank now rested two hundred thousand dollars, begging to be used.

I called a taxi and packed a few things. My suitcase had only five items.

A bottle of vodka, a packet of menthol cigarettes, a lighter, a sheet of paper containing the song I had written for Bella, and her school photo. I cut it out of the year book from the previous year. She looked a little younger, maybe even a little healthier, but it was still Bella. I picked up my light suitcase, grabbed my guitar and headed out of the door.

The taxi arrived not long after. The man driving was of Indian decent, I guessed, and was a pretty fucking nice guy. Except his whole cab smelled like incense, giving me a headache.

"Where to?" he asked, fiddling with the meter. The numbers under 'cost' were already clicking up, and he wasn't even driving.

Cabbies were fucking cheats.

"Phoenix I-I-International" I said, trying not to stutter or slur. Most of that was caused by my lack of sleep and my abuse of alcohol.

"Sure" said the cabbie, taking off in the direction of the airport.

It didn't take too long to get there. The taxi ride was expensive, but the cabbie was nice, so I threw one hundred dollars at him that I found in my mother's bedside drawer, and left without taking the change.

It took a long time going through bag searches and purchasing my ticket, and the plane ride was even worse. I sat in a window seat, next to a sweating, obese woman who smelled of shit. I watched the clouds and the occasional bird fly past through the small window.

I tried the whole time not to think of who I was leaving behind.

**

"Good morning passengers, this is your pilot speaking, we'll be arriving at Seattle airport in a few minutes. May I please remind you to buckle your seatbelts and remain seated, thank you."

Not long now. The woman next to me was struggling to buckle up, and I couldn't help but smirk. She'd eaten about five slices of cake, and consumed six cans of Coke during the flight. If she ate like that at home, no wonder she was too fucking fat to do up her seatbelt. She ended up holding onto her seatbelt, like it was going to make a difference. If the plane crashed, we would die. No seatbelts were saving anybody.

The plane hit the landing strip with a small lunge forward, and soon I was standing outside of Seattle airport, trying to hail another taxi. Frustrated, I lit up a cigarette and sat on the curb. Was there some freak fucking accident in Seattle that left no taxis spared?

Finally, a taxi rolled up next to me and I practically jumped into it. Before the fat driver could bullshit and fuck around, ask me how I was, where I wanted to go. I simply cut him off.

"Forks" I said curtly, rolling down the window and breathing in the smoke from the cigarette hanging out of my smiling mouth. Maybe I was insane to be smiling at a time like this, but I missed Forks. It was always my home.

I wondered if my old friends were still here, attending school like I should be. Mike Newton, Tyler Crowley, Eric Yorkie, Ben Cheney. Ah, those dudes were the fucking bomb when I lived here. I snorted out loud when I remember the shit we got into. Once, we filled one of the guy's toilet bowls with firecrackers and set them off. The principle went ape shit, and we all got suspended for a week. That was one of the best weeks of my life. All we did was hang out, smoke weed and watch porn. Those were the days, when I didn't have a thing to worry about, except for getting in trouble from my parents. I wasn't a shit kid; I just liked to have fun.

"Here we are kid, Forks, that's…"

I threw another hundred dollars at the cabbie, and he shut his mouth, taking the money without question. Fucking cheat.

I stepped out of the taxi and it sped off into the distance. I had no money left now, so my first stop was the bank. I wondered how much they would let me take out? A couple of thousand, maybe?

I remembered the streets perfectly, each shop bringing back fond memories. There were some new faces in town, and a lot of familiar ones. I slipped on a pair of sunglasses and pulled my hood up to avoid being seen. I would clean myself up before seeing any of my old friends again, otherwise they would see me and instantly think 'He looks like a fucking nutcase'.

I never got to the bank, however. I was stopped on the way by a gorgeous blond girl. Her hair was dancing in the cool breeze; her face was pale and stunning, her body curvy and delicious. But it was her eyes that got me. A perfect topaz/golden-brown colour. They almost sparkled when she looked at me.

"Edward Masen?" she asked. Her voice was soft and perfect. Just perfect. It reminded me a bit of Bella's. No, I wouldn't think of her. I had to let her move on.

"Yes?" I asked, peering at her over my black sunnies. She smiled at me and gestured for me to follow her. Was this a hallucination? Could a girl this beautiful actually be real?

We walked down a road just off the main road, and she didn't say a word to me until she stopped suddenly. We were at the edge of the forest.

Was she going to take me in there, have sex with me? Kill me, even? Either would be okay with me.

"What do you want?"

"Carlisle!" she called out, "I have your boy!"

She sounded bitter, and that perfection of her voice was lost. There was something icy and menacing about her tone. I didn't like it.

She was going to kill me. Carlisle was going to help her, whoever he was. I was a goner.

But that would probably be the best for everyone.

A man stepped out from behind a thick wall of ferns. His blond hair was the same shade of the girl's, and his eyes the same colour. I would almost say they were twins, but he looked a bit older. Both of them stood before me, their pale skin setting an eerie contrast to the dark greenery behind them.

"Wh-what do you want?" I asked again. The man I presumed to be Carlisle smiled warmly at me. I already liked him better than the girl.

"Rosalie, you may leave now."

So this Rosalie girl was just bait? Carlisle was going to kill me now.

"My name is Dr. Carlisle Cullen. I was supposed to collect you from your house this morning, but it seems you ran off on me" he said, smiling still. There was nothing funny about what he was saying, but he still looked amused.

"And?"

"I would like to offer you a way out" his smile faltered and his eyes turned from pleased to serious. I stepped back an inch.

"I'm not here to harm you, Edward. I want to help. I'm not going to take you back to Phoenix. Actually, I'm not going to force you to do anything. I just want to show you…"

He moved back to the wall of the forest behind him and clamped his hand around a thick tree trunk. I was really fucking confused.

"I can offer you a better life. I hate to see somebody as pure and kind as you, turn into something so helpless and sad" he turned his attention to the tree he was holding, and with the slightest movement of his wrist, the tree was out of the ground and in his right hand. I stared at him with my mouth hanging open. I had nothing to say. He was some kind of fucking freak of nature.

Carlisle set down the tree and watched me cautiously. Whenever he looked at me I got the feeling he was studying me, trying to understand me. I didn't know if I liked that or not.

I was ready to run away, leave, and never come back. But my legs were stuck. Something inside of me told me to stay. This man was offering me 'a better life'.

"Edward, there are things humans don't know, such as yourself. I'm breaking rules here today, as I am letting you in on one of the best concealed secrets of the modern world. I am a vampire."

My stomach flipped, turned, churned, whirled. My head spun around until I felt like I was going to fucking throw up all over the vampire dude. He was insane. Vampires weren't fucking real.

Carlisle was suddenly right behind me. How did he do that?

"You know it's true" he stated kindly, "And you have this desire for a better life. I want to help you. I've been reading up about you, asking about you. I know a lot about you, Edward Masen."

This guy was really fucking freaking me out. He did understand me.

"You want to escape, and, as selfish as it is of me, I want to give you that escape. A new life…"

"My life is okay" I lied. My hands started their usual shaking. Not from nerves, but from the craving of alcohol. My tongue felt heavy and strangely sticky with the desire for a drink.

"You're dying, Edward. You won't last long" he said sadly, "You'll drink yourself to death."

"What? And you can 'save me'?" I asked sarcastically.

"I can, but only with your consent."

"How?" I was starting to believe him.

"By making you like me, like Rosalie, like my family."

"There's more of you?"

My heart was thumping against my rib cage at an alarming rate. I was ready to pass out.

"Yes. What do you say?"

I did the stupidest fucking thing I could have done. I said yes to a complete stranger. A vampire. I let him make me one of them.

He appeared in front of me again, holding out a pale hand.

"Let me take you to my home, and we will get things going."

It is possible that, from the immense harm I'd no doubt done to my brain, that I had some kind of brain damage, that I had lost the ability to reason and to analyze risks. I followed the vampire man, Carlisle, to his home. I let him sink his teeth into the base of my neck without a second though. Maybe it wasn't brain damage, but the desperation that was coursing through me, begging for a better life, begging for a new start, something different.

I felt the burning pain that would soon bring relief. The fire that raged through my body, it was worse than I could have imagined. I thought I was in pain before. I had no idea what pain was.

I awoke three days later as a vampire.

**A/N**: I know it seems a bit unrealistic that Edward believes Carlisle so easily, and is so ready to throw his life away. I think you just have to understand his state of mind. He's really fucked up, he wants to forget his whole human life, he wants to forget Bella and what he's done to her. It's quite selfish, but it makes for an easily-written fic on my behalf. He is so desperate to leave everything behind, that he would probably just kill himself if he could be bothered. He's not exactly suicidal; just lonely, bored, angry, scared. So, becoming a vampire is the easy way out, or so he thinks...

I'd like to thank everybody who has faved this of reviewed. I like to hear your thoughts!

The next chapter or two will be purely Edward POV, for obvious reasons.


	11. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10.**

**Bella.**

_**Two years later.**_

Charlie smiled at me as he trudged out of our house, weighed down by my bags. He insisted on carrying them out. I honestly didn't know I had so much stuff until I had to pack it all up.

I'd been accepted into Washington State University. When I got the acceptance letter, Charlie threw a party for me. A lot of people came, including those who made my life at Phoenix Union a living hell. But they were all smiles and hugs when it came to a free party. Charlie even overlooked the fact we were drinking underage.

I snickered at Charlie, who almost lost his balance as he threw my bags into the car. He was such a good dad to me, especially after…well, after everything.

"Excited, Bells?" he asked, wiping sweat off his forehead. I nodded to him and walked forward, pulling him into a hug.

"I love you, dad."

"You know I love you too" he assured me, stroking my hair with his hands. Ever since what happened two years ago, Charlie had treated me like his daughter again. He showed more love than I was used to. At the start, it was a little overwhelming. But now I loved it. I loved him.

He was the best dad I could ever hope for.

"It's not a long drive to the airport" he said, bringing me away from his chest to look into my eyes.

"Are you sure you're ready?" he asked with a frown. I could sense there was a hidden question in his initial one – _Are you ready to leave Edward Masen behind?_

"I am" I said, shooting him a grin. He seemed satisfied with my answer, and he walked over to the driver's side. I allowed myself a last look at the home I wouldn't see again for a long time. I was happy to leave it, but also sad. It was the only last connection I had to my mum. It was all I could associate her with.

"Bells, come on!" Charlie called, tapping the horn. I sighed and ripped myself away from the sight of the house and got into the passenger seat of Charlie's police car. I sold my truck so I could afford to pay for college and other things. I missed it. Being driven around in a police car wasn't for somebody who wanted to avoid attention, such as myself.

We drove in silence. I looked out of the window and watched the familiar houses and shops of Phoenix pass by. I'd miss the town, but I wouldn't miss what had happened there. Somehow, leaving Arizona altogether made what happened seem less real, like it was just a bad dream.

Sure, I'd mostly gotten over Edward Masen. I accepted that he either left me, or he died. But it took quite a while of therapy and long talks with Charlie. I think what hurt me the most was that he didn't even say goodbye, he didn't even leave a note. I searched for him for days, and I was finally made to accept that he was gone. He was never coming back. What made it worse was that I'd let myself fall in love with him. I could have avoided all of the pain if I hadn't of walked over to him, sitting at that in the school courtyard. I could have avoided him.

I was becoming selfish, and I didn't really care. I'd grieved for him, then I'd gotten mad. And now he was just a fact. He wasn't my ex boyfriend, my ex lover. He was just something that happened to me. And if I could forget about him, I would. I wanted to be happy.

I boarded my plane and waved goodbye to Charlie, wiping tears off my cheeks. The tears were a mix of happiness and sadness. I would miss Charlie, so, so much. I would miss the security of living with him. I would miss my routine. But I was happy that I was finally moving on, that I would finally be free.

I spent the flight reading one of my favourites, Persuasion by Jane Austen. I was lost in the story until the stewardesses announced that we would be landing soon. I tucked the book away and clipped up my seatbelt, filled with excitement. I only had a small taxi ride left until I would be at college. Finally.

Passing through Customs, waiting for my bags, riding in the taxi…It was all a blur. I just wanted to get to college. I wanted to start my new life as soon as possible.

The taxi approached the main building of Washington State and I almost squealed with excitement. It was winter and the roof tiles were covered in a shiny layer of slippery ice. After living in Phoenix for my whole life, seeing such a cold and wet climate almost brought tears of happiness to my eyes. The whole college was a vision of beauty. I wanted to live here for the rest of my life.

When the taxi pulled to a stop, I had to make my legs move. I was too awe struck by the beauty of the college resting in front of me. My college. I smiled to myself and handed the driver his money, I told him to keep the change. I was in a good mood.

I unloaded my bags from the back of the car and sat them down at my feet. I needed another moment to take in the absolute perfection of my surroundings, and I needed to find the administration building. There it was. The smallest, yet the most charming building of them all. It was made from dark brown bricks, the white roof gleamed in the small amount of sunlight that was shooting in through the thick clouds. I could have stood there and watched that building forever.

It was even more charming inside. There was a large fireplace; a roaring fire heating the room. I rubbed my shivering arms and set my bags down on a purple couch. The lady sitting at the front desk was overweight and jolly-looking. This college was already so welcoming.

"How may I help you, dear?" she asked, shooting me a sincere smile.

"My name's Bella Swan, and I wanted to get my dorm information" I explained, "And whatever else I need."

"Certainly, Bella" she said, using my first name as if we were old friends. She wheeled her chair backwards and shuffled through a few files before wheeling back to me. Her hand was full of white and yellow papers.

"Here you go" she smiled, handing me another sheet of paper, "And here's a map. You'll need one" she added with a chuckle. I smiled at her and looked down at the papers. I didn't have a single dorm, damn. I was hoping to be alone.

I checked where my dorm was on the map the office lady had given me, and I set off, dragging my heavy bags behind me like a small child on her first day of school. I was exactly that, though, come to think of it.

"Need a hand?" asked a deep, yet soft voice. I turned around and saw a gorgeous guy standing next to me with an odd smirk on his face. He was so gorgeous it almost made my eyes hurt. I felt incredibly ugly next to him.

"I'm alright" I said quietly, continuing to pull my bags along. I tried to hide the blush that had crept up my neck and stopped under my cheeks, but he kept at me.

"You're struggling" he said, sounding amused. I dropped my bags down and whirled around, trying to look annoyed, but at the sight of his pale face, all annoyance was forgotten. I wasn't so embarrassed anymore.

"Oh, if you must" I said, waving a lazy hand at my bags. The boy grabbed all four of my bags and followed me to my dorm without a hint of tiredness.

"That was quite a hike, I'm sorry" I said, kicking at the ground outside my dorm with my boot. He only smiled at me.

"I'm Jasper Hale" he said, holding out a gloved hand to mine. I took it and shook it keenly. He was so, so gorgeous...

"Bella Swan" I said, dropping his hand. He flicked his blond hair out of his face and flashed me a toothy grin.

"I'll see you around, then" he said, turning to leave. I watched his perfect body leave the hall. I was still blushing when he was gone. I tried to cool down my cheeks with my cold hands, but they were still boiling. I sighed and pushed open the door, stumbling slightly as I dragged my luggage through the thin doorway. Somebody giggled.

"You look like you need help" came a loud, obnoxious voice. I turned and saw a girl occupying the right side bed, reading a gossip magazine and curling her dull blond hair. I looked at her, expecting her to offer her help but she never did. I pulled my bags forward and threw them onto the empty bed to the left of the small room. I wiped the small amount of cool sweat that had gathered on my brow and watched my roommate. She paid no attention to me now, for she was too absorbed in her celebrity gossip and fashions. She had thin lips and a tanned face. I could tell it was fake tan; nobody from Washington could have skin that colour. Her eyes were lined with thick eyeliner and bright blue eye shadow, making her look a little slutty. But I shouldn't judge a book by its cover.

"I'm Bella Swan" I announced, turning back to my bags to begin the unpacking process. I heard a few more pages of the magazine turn, and the quiet popping of chewing gum.

"Jessica Stanley" she said eventually. Her tone was lazy, as if I was putting her out by arriving here. I already didn't like her.

Trust me to get a bitchy roommate.

"You're not from around here, are you?" Jessica asked. I put down the two books I had in hand and sat on my bed to face her. She had her cell out and was texting somebody, waiting for my reply, no doubt. She was still blowing bubbles.

"Uh…I'm from Arizona" I said, "Phoenix."

"You poor thing" she said. I tried my hardest not to glare at her rudeness.

"I'm from Forks. I finally moved out here. That place was so boring" she explained. I didn't really care about her past, but she wanted to make small talk, so I would humor her.

"I've heard Forks is beautiful" I challenged. She looked at me like I was insane.

"Probably more attractive than the barren lands of Phoenix" she laughed. I almost walked over to her and slapped her smug little face. She was only joking, but her tone suggested that she was mocking me.

"You have a lot of books there. You must be a lit major" she said, smirking. I put my hands on the cover of Persuasion as if to protect it from her stare. I nodded eventually.

"English literature" I confirmed.

"Huh" she said thoughtfully, "I'm a dramatic arts major, myself" she boasted, like it would impress me. It didn't impress me one bit.

"That's nice" I said politely as I unloaded the books from the suitcase dedicated to them. I looked around the room for a place to keep them, and I saw a dusty bookcase. Completely empty. Jessica noticed my interest.

"You can have that. I don't need it."

_I'm sure you don't_. I thought with a smirk. I proceeded to unpack my things and put them in their rightful places.

After a good hour or two, it finally looked like home. It looked like I belonged here. I hugged myself to keep warm as I inspected the job I had done. Jessica had gone out for class, so I had the room to myself for a while. I strolled over to my stereo and put on some soft, classical background music and I swayed softly to the rhythm as I walked over to my bed to lie down. I shut my eyes, just soaking in my new life. I fell into a peaceful sleep filled with dreams of snow and shiny, wet grass as green as I had ever seen.

**

"Who's that?"

"My new roommate. Bella. She's a bit stra…oh, hey, Bella…"

I woke up and looked right at Jessica. I caught her out in gossiping about me. I rubbed my eyes and walked over to the stereo to turn the music off, but I realised it had already stopped. I slept through the whole album.

Standing next to Jessica was a tall, slender girl with natural, glossy skin and glasses. She smiled at me sheepishly and I got the impression she didn't like Jessica either.

"Oh, this is Angela" said Jessica in her lazy voice. She wasn't even bothering to be nice. I smiled at Angela and felt so sorry for her I think I might have run up to her and hugged her, if I had the energy or necessary coordination.

"Hi" she said, rubbing her arms awkwardly.

"Hey."

The three of us stood in the middle of the room for a good minute or so, saying nothing. Finally, I spoke up.

"Well, I'll leave you to it" I said curtly. I was still annoyed that Jessica was about to call me strange. What was so strange about me? I was a book nerd, yes. I listened to classical music, yes. But what was so outstandingly strange about me, Bella Swan?

Maybe I was strange. I had never been into the same things as everybody else; I never got along with people my age. Yeah, I was different. But strange?

I pushed the thoughts aside and grabbed Persuasion. I decided it would be nice to sit out in the snowy courtyard and read. Anything to get away from Jessica. I walked down the cold corridor and through frosted doors. I had always loved the heat of Phoenix, but now I was starting to really like the cold. Snow was beautiful, and feeling the cold ice creep up the bottom of your pants was new and strange to me; I didn't mind it at all.

When I began my descent down the tall set of stairs, I had not anticipated them to be so slippery. I felt my feet slip forward out from under me as I lost my balance and hit the hard step underneath me with a loud and painful thud.

I couldn't stop myself from letting out a very loud yelp of pain. It felt like I had shattered every bone in my back. I distantly heard people approach me and stare in shock. Everybody wanted to see who had made that noise. But, oh, it was just that weird Bella Swan girl, writhing in pain at the bottom of the stairs like the freak she is.

"Move" growled a familiar voice. Soft, perfect…

Jasper Hale appeared through the crowd of people around me and grabbed both of my arms, sweeping me into his arms with ease. I cried into his chest out of pain and embarrassment, just wanting to crawl into a dark hole and stay there for the rest of my life. A pain like one thousand sharp claws scraping at my back shot through me as Jasper set me down on a nearby bench in the courtyard. People had started to crowd around again, but he shot them glares that caused them to scurry off like rodents.

I still had Persuasion in my hands, so I clutched it tightly to my chest, as it was the only outlet for the pain I was feeling. My knuckles were turning white and I could feel them struggling under the force I was applying to the book. I would no doubt crush the book soon.

Jasper sat down next to me, looking around like a predator searching for prey. I smiled at him weakly as his gaze met mine.

"Thank you" I said quietly, squeezing my book harder. It hurt to talk.

"That poor book" he said with a smirk. His expression changed quickly to worry at the look on my face, "Are you in a lot of pain?"

"Nothing I can't handle" I lied. I was about to faint. I could feel the heavy darkness coming on, ready to engulf me. I couldn't stand it any longer; I started to weep. Short, harsh sounds came out of my mouth along with tears. I would have started bawling if I could have, but each breath sent daggers through my spine.

"Does this happen often?" he asked, "Falling down stairs and whatnot."

I felt my cheeks grow hot with blood and I bit my lip in shame.

"Yes" I squeaked. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see him shaking. I turned my head to see him laughing hysterically without noise. He suddenly broke out into perfect laughs and I so wanted to touch him, hug him, kiss him. His laughter died quickly and he pressed his palms to his forehead with a sigh.

"I'm sorry. It's not funny if you're hurting."

"It's not so bad anymore" I lied again. Jasper looked at me with a raised eyebrow and I chuckled.

"Okay, I lied."

"I know. You're an awful liar, Bella Swan."

We stayed on that bench and spoke until the pain in my back had reduced to a dull ache. I could live with that; no passing out.

"I have class in thirty minutes" sighed Jasper, eyeing the expensive watch slung around his left wrist. He had delicate hands; they were slender and pale. But there was something about them that made me think they were powerful. Something told me there was much more to Jasper than he put off. I clutched my book harder in an attempt to concentrate on something other than his hands. I was a girl possessed.

"You must be doing literature" he smirked. His smirk wasn't like Jessica's. It wasn't mocking or superior. It was curious.

"Why does everybody assume that because I read, I am doing lit?" I asked with a laugh.

"But are you?"

"Yes."

We both laughed. I watched Jasper carefully, trying to pick out what major he did. He definitely wasn't a science student, maybe math? No. Not education, either.

"Are you doing something like sports, then?" I asked, seeing his shirt strain under hidden muscles on his arms. Jasper looked up at me and cocked his head.

"No. I'm doing a psychology and history double major" he said evenly. Damn, I was way off.

"Impressive" I mused.

"I should probably go to class now. But you should come to my dorm party – well, Emmett's dorm party – tomorrow night."

"Emmett?" I asked. What a curious name. Come to think of it, Japer wasn't a very common name either.

"My brother" he explained, "Big, tall, beefy guy. Now _he's_ the one into sports" he chuckled. I blushed at my earlier assumption. Jasper rose from his place and helped me up. The dull ache that was residing in my back now turned back to that piercing pain.

"Ahhh" I groaned, falling back to the bench. Jasper pulled me up again and stayed with me until I steadied myself.

"Can you walk?" he asked.

"I think so. I'll be fine, go to class" I said, feeling bad for keeping him from class. He gave me a look of concern then turned to leave.

"See you tomorrow night, then" he called over his shoulder as he walked off. Many girls stopped in their places to watch him walk by. So, it seemed I wasn't the only one drooling over Jasper Hale.

I walked back (it was more of a hobble, than a walk) to my room and lay down on my bed, exhausted and in agony. Jessica was on her own bed, listening to some blasting techno on her iPod. She looked up eventually, having just noticed I had returned, and she gave me a small, sad smile.

"Heard what happened to you" she sniggered.

"Not funny" I said in an exasperated voice.

"I also heard Jasper Hale swept you off your feet and saved the day."

Silence.

"Maybe he did" I said rudely, "What does it matter?"

"He has a girlfriend" she said, "Don't bother."

My stomach twisted into a knot of jealously, but I shouldn't have let it get to me.

"Wasn't planning to bother" I said in the most casual voice I could form. That was a lie. I had let myself think that maybe he was interested, and I allowed hope to settle in my heart. Something I never should have done. I promised myself two years ago that I would never subject myself to emotional hurt again, but I broke the promise over some beautiful boy who helped me out a few times.

Some things would never change.

**A/N**: Alas! An update! I know I promised some Edward chapters, but I changed my mind (this being because I was struggling terribly with having to write Edward for so many chapters). I will do some Edward outtakes, including his first few months as a vampire. But I prefer doing Bella POV, especially for times like this. I will probably upload another chapter today, because I'm so kind. Reviews are almost as good as punching Jessica Stanley in the face.


	12. Chapter 11

Chapter 11.

Bella.

Jessica was prancing around our room, humming a tune I didn't know. She was decked out in a very short (so short, I could almost call it a top) dress that was covered in red, shiny sequins. I should have never told her where I was going that night. I should have kept my mouth shut and told her to mind her own business. But, because I was borderline retarded, Jessica was coming with me to Jasper Hale's dorm party. She had pestered me and pestered me until I finally caved.

"_Okay! If you get kicked out, it's not my fault!" I near shouted at her. She didn't look harassed by the tone of my voice, like I had expected her to, but she squealed and pulled me into a tight hug._

"_I'm going to a Cullen dorm party!"_

"_Cullen?" I asked._

"_Emmett Cullen is Jasper's brother. Yeah, I know. The names don't make sense…" I personally thought it made perfect sense, being they were adopted siblings, but there was no need to point that out._

"_I'm going to hook up with Emmett, you just watch me" she declared, shooting me a sultry smile. I had to hold back a shudder._

"_You're such a cool friend, Bella" she added then walked out of the room like she was the Queen of freaking England._

Since that moment, she had declared me her friend. And although I really wasn't warming up to her, I might eventually. It was worth a try. Now we were friends. I watched her move over to her vanity and begin to apply bright red lipstick to her lips. She had now succeeded in looking like an actual hooker. She deserved a medal. She went from annoying college girl to slutty hooker in less than half an hour. That must be some world record, right there.

"I'm so excited" she gushed, streaking a thick cover of black mascara over her already massive lashes. She turned to me and looked me up and down. Her red lips curled into a smirk dripping with superiority.

"You're wearing that?" she asked, not bothering to keep the venom from her words. I glared at her, showing no signs of the sudden drop of self esteem that her comment had brought on. When she turned back to make herself look more of a slut, I shuffled over to my own vanity and glanced at my reflection. I had thought I looked rather nice, compared to my usual shabby attire. I had on a dark blue blouse that hung loosely around the lower half of my body, but tightening up around my breasts, creating the illusions that I actually had some curves. I also had a pair of black leggings and some grey short shorts. It wasn't nearly as dressy as Jessica's outfit, but it showed I made an effort nonetheless.

"Let me do your hair" Jessica said, watching me inspect my body with another smirk that made me want to hit her over the head with the clutch in my right hand. I sighed and let her pull me over to her vanity and burn my hair until it was straight and smooth.

"There!" she said with a large grin, impressed with her handiwork on my usually lifeless hair. I had to admit; it did look nice. But it wasn't me. I felt too done-up. I never wore makeup or did my hair anymore, and it just felt like I was trying to impress somebody, when I had nobody to impress in the first place.

"Are you ready to go?"

"Hmm? Oh, sure" I said without enthusiasm. Jessica looked at me like I was insane for not being excited about going to my first college party, but I didn't let it bother me. I probably was insane, somewhere deep inside. But aren't we all?

I stepped into a pair of worn Converse, ignoring the look of shock that spread across Jessica's face, and stepped into the hallway. I was glad I had thrown on a leather jacket at the last minute, because the air itself was like ice cubes being thrown at me. Jessica stood next to me, almost having convulsions, in her small, skimpy dress. I had to chuckle to myself. The price girls pay for fashion.

Call me a sadist, but I thrived in seeing her suffer so much. Her legs were shaking as she started walking ahead of me in her high heels, stumbling slightly as we reached the stairs. Maybe if she fell, she wouldn't laugh at me for falling myself the day before. I pictured her tumble down the ice-covered concrete steps in my mind as I followed her down. Unfortunately, she stayed upright the whole time.

We walked side by side, shaking in the cold, all of the way to Jasper's dorm. When we arrived in the long corridor, Jessica moved to the door that the music was blaring out from, and walked in like she owned the place. Nobody would be telling her to leave tonight. I followed her and was instantly glad that all eyes were on her and the amount of skin she was showing. I hugged my jacket tighter around myself and made for the beer keg. Some tall, burly guy handed me a red plastic cup that I had seen so many times in movies, but never in real life. It was stupid, but holding the cup in my hand made me feel like an actually college student. A goofy smile spread across my face and I tipped the cup's contents into my mouth. It was bitter, but that didn't stop me from grabbing another.

"Easy there, you'll be passed out by ten" said the guy behind the keg. I noticed he fit Jasper's description of his brother. This was Emmett.

As if reading my mind, Jasper appeared behind Emmett and clapped a hand on his back.

"Bella" he smiled, "This is Emmett."

Emmett grinned at me and messed up my hair like I was some little puppy. I frowned and they both laughed.

"Nice to meet you" I said sarcastically. Emmett laughed again; it was booming and loud but yet so controlled and beautiful. I looked up at his pale face and realised his eyes were nearly the same colour as Jasper's. His skin was the same shade and he wore the same thoughtful expression that Jasper often did. It was hard to believe they were only adoptive brothers, they were so alike.

"I want you to meet somebody" Jasper said in my ear. He had made it to my side without me noticing, and the shock of his sudden closeness made me jump. He led me into a back room as Emmett's laughter stung the back of my head. I couldn't have been that amusing to him, but evidently I was.

"My girlfriend; Alice Cullen" explained Jasper as he took me to face a gorgeous, small girl. Her hair was short and brown and spiked up fashionably. She wore a cocktail dress of black silk that made her look like a supermodel and not a hooker like Jessica Stanley. She had kind eyes, that same golden brown colour of Jasper and Emmett's. Maybe they all wore contacts. But they couldn't be contacts, they were so captivating.

I noted her skin was pale as snow too.

"Bella" she greeted me, rising from her seat and shaking my hand in an overly-friendly manner that I wasn't used to. If it were anybody else, I would have suspected that they were faking. But Alice's kindness was genuine.

"It's very nice to meet you" I smiled.

We hit up some small talk until I realised I was craving another beer. I'd never been keen on alcohol, after seeing what effects it could have on somebody who became dependent. But one night wouldn't hurt, would it? Besides, that part of my life was far behind me now, and I had no reason to limit myself because of one insignificant boy and his mother.

I walked back to the keg and found Jessica flirting shamelessly with Emmett over her red cup. He wasn't paying her much attention. I got the feeling that he thought she was amusing, maybe even pathetic.

I cleared my throat as I approached them both. Emmett snapped his head up and smiled sheepishly, pouring me another cup. I could already feel myself becoming carefree and giddy. I never had good alcohol resistance. A few more beers and I would be drunk.

"What is _she_ doing here?" snarled a heavenly, yet deadly voice from beside Emmett. I looked up in curiosity and found a tall, slender girl with pursed lips and a look that could kill. She had long, flowing blond hair and plump lips. Her face was perfect. I took a moment to marvel in her astonishing beauty before returning to reality.

I noted, once again, that she had stunning golden brown eyes and pale skin. She had to be a Cullen (or Hale).

Jessica looked up and her face drained of all colour. She obviously had some beef with this girl, and was intimidated by her. But who wouldn't be? She was possibly the most beautiful girl I had ever seen. Models and celebrities I had seen in the occasional magazine had nothing on her.

"Come on, Rose, she's not doing anything wrong" Emmett said casually, handing me a cup.

"Light beer for you, now" he said, flashing his teeth. I didn't mind. I would take what I could get.

The girl called Rose glared at me with intense attitude and I sauntered away shyly.

I stood nearly on the opposite side of the room, with my back against the wall, but I could still hear the argument happening around the keg. A lot of other party goers had stopped chatting and dancing to witness the fight.

Rose was sneering at Jessica, who was cringing while being screamed at.

"_Stay away from my boyfriend!_" she shrieked. Jessica took a step backward as Emmett's girlfriend advanced on her. Rose's expression could have scared even the toughest of men, I was certain.

"Fight! Fight! Fight!" chanted a few drunken guys nearby. Emmett chuckled and Rose glared.

"Sorry" I heard him mutter.

"I'll just go" squeaked Jessica, nearly running out of the room. I had no doubt she would return to our room to cry her eyes out all night.

Rose stormed out of sight, leaving Emmett to return to his manning of the keg. After a few awkward moments, the chatter started up again and somebody turned the bad techno music up. It almost made my ears bleed.

"Bella" said Alice's voice from next to me. I turned to her and nodded in recognition, taking a large swig of my beer. It didn't have nearly as much kick as the full strength beer had, and it tasted even worse. I pulled a face at the cup in my hand.

"How are you liking the…" she started, but trailed off. Her eyes glazed over and she turned stiff beside me. My heart thumped so loudly that it was almost deafening. What the hell was going on? She was having a fit. Oh, God…

"Alice!" I screamed, dropping my cup and proceeding to shake her to her senses. And as if nothing had happened, her eyes returned to normal and she smiled.

"Sorry" she said sweetly. I could hear the faintest linger of worry in her apology. But she masked it well, wearing a bright grin.

"What just…" I started to ask, but Alice cut me off.

"I just remembered something important. I have to go, we'll talk later!" she called out, already leaving the room we were in. I tried not to wonder what had just happened, or what Alice was talking about, but I couldn't help it. My mind raced so much that it brought on a slight ache in my head. I needed more beer.

Emmett agreed to give me one more light beer, and then I would be onto water or coffee. I didn't have a problem with that. My head was already cloudy. I even started dancing, having fun.

Out of the corner of my vision, I could see Emmett and Jasper having a very serious conversation. Their eyes kept darting to me, and I hoped it wasn't because of my drunken dancing.

I watched them for a while longer as I shook my hips in time with the alternative music thumping through my body. They really didn't fit in, the Cullens. They looked uptight; almost unnaturally anxious, like they wanted to belong, yet knew they didn't. Of course, from what I had heard around campus, everybody wanted to be 'in' with the Cullens, but were always to afraid or self aware to approach them.

"Bella" whispered Jasper, suddenly next to me like last time.

"What?" I asked with a slurred voice. I stopped dancing to get a good look at him. He was perfect, simply perfect.

"You need to leave."

"I don't want to leave!" I yelled. Jasper grabbed my hands.

"Oi!" I yelled, stamping on his foot. Pain shattered through my own foot and I howled in pain. Was his foot made out of stone?

"Fuck!" I yelled again, but Jasper wasn't paying attention to my behavior. He tightened his grip and looked into my eyes sternly.

"You have to leave, Bella. Now. Don't ask why. You just do. I'll take you myself" he said, beginning to drag me out of the room.

"Noooooooo" I drawled, scrambling to the dance floor. I didn't get far, as he was stronger than he looked. It was like trying to pull against a moving car. It was no use. I let him drag me out of the room with a pout.

"I was having fun!"

"Yes, and you can have fun at another party. Next time. Now, you just need to leave. Go back to your dorm. Lock the door. Go to sleep…" he said quickly, his eyes darting around the darkened corridor like something was about to jump out and kidnap us.

"Jasssssssssssssssspeeeeeerrrrrrrr" I whined as he led me through the pitch black courtyard.

"Bella" he hissed, "Just let me take you back, please…"

"But I don't want to go back!" I argued. Just as Jasper had been about to lift me into his arms to avoid having to drag me across the ground any longer, my foot caught on a raised section of pavement and I fell straight to the ground. Jasper hadn't caught me in time. My face slid against the pavement and I felt warm blood pool around my eyes and mouth. I could feel it seep into my mouth. I tasted the metallic liquid on my tongue and started to gag uncontrollably.

"Jesus..." cursed Jasper, pulling me up from the ground. Still gagging, I let him lead me to a bench and set me down. He inspected the damage done to my face and neck with a strained look in his eyes. He must not have liked blood either.

I controlled my gagging eventually and Jasper began to wipe blood away from my eyes and mouth.

"We need to get going" he said, rising.

"I hurt!" I cried out childishly.

Jasper's head snapped up suddenly and he sniffed the air like a predator hunting prey. I watched him in awe and confusion with a bloodied face and uneasy stomach.

"Let's go. Now" he said in a harsh but frightened voice. He pulled me into his arms and began running to the set of stairs that led to my dorm. Before we could reach them, though, he fell. I flew out of his arms and smashed against a brick wall. I felt blood trickle down the back of my head and I let out a loud groan. But something was wrong, I noticed in my drunken state. Jasper wasn't here.

I tried to look for him in the dark, but I couldn't see a thing. I could hear something, though. Grunting. Maybe he was badly hurt. Oh, no, not Jasper.

I crawled across the pavement of the courtyard towards the sound. It didn't take too long until I could hear a noise like rocks colliding with more rocks. I stopped crawling to vomit a little, wiping my mouth before setting off towards the noise again.

I could hear voices soon enough. One was Jasper's, one was somebody else's. The voice sounded strangely familiar, but so unfamiliar at the same time. Trying to remember whose voice it was made my head hurt, so I didn't bother.

"LET ME GO" the unknown voice roared. It was so loud I was forced to cover my ears.

I heard a few snaps and before I knew it, something collided with me. Hard. I was thrown back to the wall I was slammed into before, and I wondered what could have possibly sent me sliding that far. I gulped when I saw whatever had hit me, getting up from the ground and moving towards me.

_It's a murderer, oh my God. He's about to kill me. He killed Jasper, now it's me…_

I started to shake uncontrollably with fear as the figure reached me. I could feel his cool breath on my face. I was a goner.

It was then, with the murderer staring at me, that the moon peeped out from behind the dark clouds and I saw his face. And when I did, I almost threw up again.

But it couldn't be him.

He was dead.

Gone.

"Hello, sweetie" he cooed, reaching out a pale hand to my face. I flinched at his touch; his skin was ice cold.

"Wh-wh-wh…" I stuttered, unable to string together a coherent sentence.

"Hush now, human. Screaming will only cause a fuss" he snarled, moving closer to my face.

I couldn't believe what was happening. I had to be dreaming. Maybe I passed out back at Jasper's party. Yes, it was all a dream…

But the feeling of his breath on my cheeks and his cold, hard lips pressed to my neck let me know it was definitely not a dream. And somehow, miraculously, Edward Masen had found me. And for some reason very much beyond my knowledge and comprehension, Edward Masen was about to kill me.


	13. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12.**

**Edward.**

"Why won't you come tonight?" Alice whined at me. I rolled my eyes at her and did not dignify her with an answer. It was blatantly obvious why I would not be attending Jasper and Emmett's college dorm party tonight. I simply didn't want to. I was fine here, at home, watching movies with Esme or talking medicine with Carlisle. I never got bored of that. Drunken humans and girls throwing up every minute I did get sick of.

Jasper and Emmett were throwing some ridiculous party tonight in an attempt to become closer to the humans sharing their college campus. I, myself, thought it was a waste of time. Humans would always be nervous around us, no matter how many parties of ours they attended. It was unavoidable. It was science. They knew, deep inside, beyond their conscious thoughts, that we were predators. Vampires.

_What a boring brother_, Alice pouted in her head.

"Alice. Get over it" I sighed. She shot me a glare and stormed out of my room, leaving me with a string of insults in her mind that made me smirk. She was always so insistent about parties and social outings, and she would never accept that I didn't care for them anymore.

I could hear her complaining to Jasper on her cell just minutes later.

"I've seen it: he's not coming to the party" she whined. I heard Jasper's soft reply from the other end of the line.

"He doesn't have to. I just thought it would cheer him up. He's been so down lately, ever since he remembered those small parts about his human life."

"I know" said Alice with a sigh, "I hate to see him like this. I just want him to have fun. He's still a newborn; he should be loving this new life. Instead he's moping around the house like an old man."

"Don't worry, things will get better soon. He can't spend centuries being so depressed."

_Or can he? _Thought Alice. They each said their goodbyes and soon enough, Alice was back at my door. She didn't bother to come in. She said everything she had to say in her mind.

_I'm disappointed that you won't come. Not just for yourself, but for me. I would like to spend some time with you and actually hear that laugh of yours again. And Carlisle; he wants to see you happy too. And Esme…Emmett…Rosalie, even._

"I know" I said quietly from my place on my leather sofa, "But not tonight. Please" I begged. Alice sighed and admitted defeat.

I shut her out as she started to get ready for the party. There was nothing interesting going on in my family's minds, and as immoral as it seemed, I couldn't help but tune into them every now and then. I had learned to steer clear of their thoughts after eight at night, after suffering horribly one night when tapping into Emmett's mind.

It took me a good month to bring myself to look either him or Rosalie in the eye again.

I shot up and quickly put a CD into my stereo. Debussy. I lay down on my sofa and shut my eyes, letting the music drown out the sound of Carlisle's worrying, Esme's concern, Alice's fussing over her makeup…

Regretfully, I allowed my thoughts to roam to what had happened only a few days ago.

I was sitting down for another game of chess with Alice and as I was making a very strategic move with my Queen, a dark cloud seemed to fall over my vision.

I was suddenly in another time and place, with people whose faces were blurred. Their voices fuzzy. Everything about the people was vague, but the feelings inside of me were strong. Despair, worry, fear, anger, shame. I was standing next to a coffin which smelled of flowers and velvet. I looked into it and saw a woman who looked a lot like me. She was the only person I could make out. She was my mother.

I was in another place just moments later. In the arms of somebody whose face was, again, blurred. I was filled with love and hope. She made me feel like a better man. She made me feel wanted, whoever she was.

Another change of scenery. I was on my bed, listening to the most heavenly voice I had ever heard. The one I loved was singing to me, stroking my head as her hot tears fell on my scalp. I felt loved. She gave me hope for life.

One last change. I was drunk, for now everything around me was blurry. I stumbled about and packed a suitcase with a few small items. I remembered this as the time I decided to leave. But why did I leave? I didn't remember anymore. But the feeling I had inside of me now, in this place, told me exactly why. I left to help her, to save her from what I was doing to her. I left her to save her life.

I snapped back to reality and was met with worried thoughts and looks.

_Did he have a vision like me?_

_Edward, my son, are you okay?_

_Oh! His eyes are open, thank heavens! He's alive!_

_What the fuck just happened then?_

I groaned aloud and had to explain to everybody what happened to me.

Three days later I still wasn't exactly sure. I know I had experienced some kind of flashback of my human life; the parts I didn't remember. I had not known, until then, that I had a mother who had killed herself, or a girl who I loved more than life itself. Ever since then, you could say I have mourned for the mother I do not remember, and the love I left behind.

I also felt guilty, for as a human I was a complete mess.

Violins and soft piano keys rang through my bedroom, and I let myself truly appreciate the subtle excellence of Debussy's works with my heightened sense of hearing.

I spent a good four hours lying on my sofa listening to music until Esme knocked on my door. I already knew what she was going to ask me of course. Sometimes my gift of being able to read minds was indeed a gift, but most of the time it was a curse.

"I'm not going, Esme, I don't feel like it" I said flatly. She came into my room despite my rude tone. She crossed her arms over her chest and, in her mind, remembered what I looked like when I was happy, when I didn't remember the bad things about my past. I saw myself rushing around the Forks forest with Alice, running after elk with Emmett, cracking jokes with Jasper.

"I won't ask anything of you like this again, Edward. Just tonight?"

_It's mine and Carlisle's anniversary._

I sat up from my sofa and looked at her thoughtfully. She wanted the house to herself. I wanted to feel like she was just getting rid of me, sending me to this party so she could have some alone time with her husband, but I knew she wasn't. She also craved my happiness. And she really thought that going tonight would change my attitude on life.

I sighed, and Esme took that as my defeat. She clapped her hands together and smiled, gushing loving comments to me through her mind. I gave her a weak smile and she left me to change.

It seemed I was running to Washington tonight, for a party I would rather stab pins in my eyeballs than go to.

**

After halfheartedly getting dressed in dark blue denim jeans and a Forks High sweatshirt, I made my way downstairs to say my goodbyes to Esme and Carlisle. They were seated at the dining table and having a very in depth discussion. I tried my hardest not to listen, but both my gift and my excellent hearing were overwhelming.

"Do you remember that time in the cabin, Carlisle?"

"Just before Rose brought Emmett home, yes" Carlisle quipped as Esme giggled into her hands like a little school girl. She remembered the feeling of Carlisle stroking her cold skin, sweeping his lips across her cheeks. I hit my hand to my face and groaned, trying to drown out the images disturbing my mind.

"I'm leaving" I announced loudly, making an effort to walk as loudly as I could out of the door. I could hear more giggles from my parents as I descended down the driveway and crossed to the forest. It was dark now, so it would be safe to run at full speed.

Before my eyes could adjust, I was whirling past thick shrubs and tall trees as if they were nothing but space. They didn't concern me. If I did happen to collide with anything, I would break through it with ease. That was one of the highlights of being a vampire. I was strong. Stronger than I ever thought possible. I was harder than rock or the sternest of metals.

You could say we were as tough as diamonds. Maybe even tougher. I would have to test out that theory one day.

I weaved in and out of branches and tall rocks until I found myself in Washington. I sped quickly through back yards and eventually clambered up the side of a two story brick house and began to jump across roofs with immense grace.

When I had first learned what I was capable of, I was awed at the grace I could manage when performing the hardest of tasks from a human perspective. Climbing trees, jumping long distances, hunting prey - it was all like a dance, and it was all very easy to a vampire.

Having never actually been to Washington State before, I paused momentarily on the sloped roof of a small house to ponder where to go next. With a few scans of people's minds, I was able to sense, very faintly, the thoughts of those at my brother's party. I caught the sound of throbbing techno music and the smell of human sweat, and soon I was standing in the trees surrounding the courtyard. I assumed Jasper's room was here somewhere; I just had to figure out which one.

I tilted my head and drew in a very sharp breath through my nose. I could smell the familiar scents of my vampire siblings, and something new. Human. I had, of course, smelled humans before. Each human's blood had a different smell, but to me they had started to become much the same. They all had that metallic pang at first, settling to something sweet and sickly after overcoming the coppery scent. But this. This was…

This was food. Human or not; I wanted it.

_Flowery and sweet. Sweet and flowery. Flowers. Sweet flowers. Flowery sweets._

The two words rushed through my mind in all way possible. It was all I could think of. Nothing else mattered.

I felt my mouth begin to pool with venom. I wanted this blood; and no college party was going to stop me.

I transformed from composed vampire to monster within moments. I crouched behind a tree and waited, as the smell was becoming more and more pungent. My throat became dry at the very thought of drinking that sweet blood. A fire raged in my mouth, just begging to be extinguished.

_Jesus. She's fallen over. Blood. She's bleeding. Keep it together, Jasper. Keep it together…_

I hadn't been paying attention to the words being spoken aloud just across the courtyard, but when Jasper's voice swam through my head I straightened up. An internal war raged through me at the scent of the fresh blood just meters away. I could easily take the human. Would the others punish me that thoroughly? I doubted they would, when I was still technically a newborn. I had only ever killed twice before this, and that was as soon as I had awoken after the change. It barely counted. I was unreasonable.

Just like I was becoming now.

I was stronger and faster than Jasper. I could disorientate him and drink the human's blood faster than he could get back to me and pull me away. Yes. That was a plan that couldn't fail.

I had made my decision. I was going to kill tonight.

It all happened very quickly. I took in the smell of the human's spilled blood and let the burning in my throat drive me to saunter forwards. At first, I was certain I would be killing my prey quickly, silently and with the least fuss possible. I could see now with Jasper darting towards me that this was not going to be the case.

I spread my legs out and waited to take him on. He ran at me with full force and crashed into me, sending me cascading to the ground. I was up before Jasper, and I grabbed him by the shoulders, holding him up to my face. I snarled at him. At my own brother.

I wasn't Edward Cullen any longer. I was a bloodthirsty animal who wouldn't stop until he had killed and drained his prey of all that sweet blood. I could hear the human whimpering in the background. She was a girl. Pity.

"Don't do this, Edward" Jasper snarled. I allowed my lips to curl up in a devilish smile that I knew he could see. I said nothing.

"Edward! You are not a monster. You're better than that!" he yelled into my face, venom spraying my skin. My eyes darkened and I threw my brother to the ground, causing the earth around our feet to shake and groan under the force of my throw.

"I need this" I hissed quietly, darting forwards and pinning Jasper up against a tree. It creaked under our weights and eventually gave way. I fell on top of Jasper, spraying my own venom in his face through growls.

He couldn't change my mind. I would kill him if I had to. I needed the girl's blood on my tongue.

_He needs Carlisle. I can't stop him._

"That's right" I said to Jasper, having read his mind, "You can't stop me."

_I will try._ His voice in my head sounded determined and strong. I threw my head back and laughed shrilly at his weak threats. In my temporary lapse of concentration, Jasper placed both his palms on my chest and pushed me backwards. I went flying into trees, each of them snapping upon meeting my hard body.

I was shocked, more than injured, as I finally fell to the ground in a heap. Before I could gain my composure, Jasper had me in his grip. I tried to wriggle out, but it was useless. It seemed Jasper had more strength than he ever showed.

This was all wasting time, I realised. The girl was most likely crawling away in fear, leaving me fighting my own brother for nothing. No, I would not let her escape.

"LET ME GO!" I roared at Jasper, digging my teeth into his cheek. He cried out in pain and shock, leaving me with the opportunity to belt him repeatedly in the stomach and throw him carelessly to the ground like I had not so long before.

He didn't move, so I turned to the courtyard and ran at my full speed to the source of the blood I craved so dearly. I ran straight into her; her bony shoulder striking my in the temple as I did. To a human, this may have knocked them out or caused permanent brain damage. But to me, it just left a fuzzy blue haze clouding my vision. I had other senses, so there was no need to fret.

I moved closer to her face, hearing her heart rate speed up dangerously and her breathing turn to sharp gasps. Her breath tasted so good on my tongue. Venom gathered in my mouth, prepared to immobilize my victim.

"Hello, sweetie" I cooed in the most pleasant voice I could muster. I could hear her heart racing faster than I had heard any human's before. She would surely die from severe cardiac arrest, rather than by my hands.

"Wh-wh-wh…" she stuttered. Her voice was familiar and it caused me to hesitate for a moment. Where had I heard that voice before? Surely not in my vampire life, for I would have killed her on sight. Maybe back in my human days…

But I couldn't let that distract me, when I was so close to victory.

She was still whimpering and stuttering, so I played with her mind a little more. Just for the fun of it. If I was going to kill her, I might as well do it properly.

"Hush now, human. Screaming will only cause a fuss" I said lethally, leaning into the crook of her neck. I could smell the blood flowing under her skin. It drove me insane.

She gasped and started to cry. I could smell the salt of her tears.

I pressed my lips to her neck in one last tease, and it was then I remembered everything.

**

Bella Swan. My Bella. My gorgeous, funny, caring girlfriend. The one who kept me barely sane after my mother, Elizabeth Masen had killed herself. I remembered her scent as I smelled it when I was human. It still had that flowery smell, but now it was mixed with the mouth-watering nectar that was her blood. I hesitated with my lips still pressed against her neck. I blinked my eyes a few times, hard, and soon the fuzziness sank away.

I could see her ivory skin, her long hair stuck to her neck with a nervous layer of sweat. This was my love, and I was about to kill her.

I wanted dearly to pull away. I wanted to apologize and pull her to my chest. I wanted to kiss her softly, show her I still cared.

But the problem was that I couldn't tear myself away from her neck. I couldn't stop what was coming. My head and my heart screamed out no, but everything else about me; my reflexes, my instinct and the venom in my mouth, they all screamed yes. It turned out the yes was louder than the no, and I parted my lips against her skin.

She was shaking and crying, and if I could cry I would have. Despair and pain ripped at my heart and I pressed my razor sharp teeth to her skin. The slightest push and I would taste her blood. And as soon as I did, I had no hope in hell of stopping.

"I'm sorry" I choked out, my words muffled by her skin in my mouth. I started to clamp down, but before I could rip into her skin, I was pulled back with a force that caused my shirt to rip basically to shreds.

"Edward!" cried out Alice from a short distance away. She ran past me and straight to Bella, taking her into her small arms and running away into the forest. I didn't even try to run after them. I was glad I had been stopped.

But yet, I was so disappointed, so fucking angry.

Emmett and Rose were holding me; grasping one of my arms each. They shot each other nervous looks and I tuned into their minds.

_Where the fuck is Jasper?_

_How could he DO this! I was right about him all along. When I get my hands on Carlisle…Oh my God! Where's Jasper?_

I sighed at them both and nodded in the direction of the small patch of trees that Jasper and I had fought in. Rosalie gestured for Emmett to take full hold of me, and she disappeared behind the trees.

It wasn't long before she came back, dragging Jasper along with her. He had a tired look on his face, and I could see the large scar on his cheek that I was responsible for, but apart from that it was completely blank.

_I failed, _he kept saying in his head, _I failed_.

"You didn't fail" I said aloud, my voice raspy and strained. Jasper looked up at me and his eyes showed no anger, no hate, no anything. In his mind, it was a different story.

_I'm a failure. I couldn't even protect one human. My friend. I failed._

I slumped down to the ground and pressed my face to my arm. I wished I could have cried, or done _anything_ to express the remorse and self-hatred that was swelling in my chest at that moment. Everyone's thoughts pounded through my skull and I wanted to bash my head against the nearest wall until they went away.

Rosalie was planning her assault on Carlisle when we got home for ever bringing me into their home, Emmett was disappointed in me and Jasper…Jasper hated himself.

He needed to know that he wasn't the failure. I was.

I barely noticed Rose chatting on the phone quietly as I continued to wallow in my dark feelings. She snapped the phone shut and said my name in a tone that was so icy, I almost shuddered.

"Edward."

I looked up and said nothing. Of course, I knew what she was going to say, so I pushed myself up off the ground and let Emmett lead me home. We all went; the four of us. Nobody wanted to miss my punishment and nobody trusted me to go home. They all thought I would spring free at any moment to finish the job I had started.

I groaned aloud and make a soft, choking noise that I supposed would have been accompanied by tears if I had the means.

We ran, Emmett still holding onto me for dear life, all the way back to our large home in Forks. Carlisle and Esme were waiting at the front with serious and shocked looks on their faces. We slowed to a small jog and approached them hesitantly.

"Edward Cullen" said Esme, looking at her feet, "I…" she broke off into tearless sobs and turned back into the house. Carlisle did not speak aloud.

_You, my son, have failed. _

With that, I was taken inside and kept a watch on all night, as if I were the most dangerous creature in the galaxy.

I deserved it all.

I was a disgusting excuse for a vampire.

**A/N**: See? Bella wasn't bitten. Thanks to Leah for the quick beta job, and SMeyer for supplying such awesome characters. I'm really having fun with this fic. Review? I would like to hear your thoughts; it could help me battle through my crippling Writer's Block.

A quick explanation about Carlisle. He is very passionate about protecting humans, as is Esme. They are horrified and disappointed at Edward that night. To top it all off, he almost killed Jasper. Wouldn't you be a little pissed, too?


	14. Chapter 13

**Chapter 13.**

Bella.

It was definitely the face of Edward Masen. I wasn't dreaming or having some kind of alcohol-related hallucination. It was him, in the flesh. But it wasn't the Edward Masen I knew.

In the dark of the night, it was hard to see exactly what he looked like, but I could make out some features of him that I was certain he didn't have two years ago.

First off, he was pale. I remembered him having a slight tan back at Phoenix. I countered in the fact that he had obviously been living in Washington for the whole time but that still didn't explain the eerie, almost translucent sheen of his skin. Nobody could turn that pale naturally.

Secondly, his eyes weren't green anymore. When he looked up at me from my neck, they glistened topaz in the moonlight. Yes, topaz. Not green. Topaz. Those two new features and the dangerous warning going off in my head, telling me that he was about to kill caused me to come to the conclusion that Edward had changed. For the better? I wasn't sure. If killing me was for the better, then okay, sure. But I couldn't help but feel that he was better off than he was all those months ago.

The last time I saw him, he was about to be shipped off to a psychiatric ward. He was dependent on alcohol and barely moved all day. He was a human vegetable, yet here he was, stronger and more beautiful than I had ever seen him. Though, the fact he hadn't said my name or shown me any hint that he knew who I was planted an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach. Did he even remember me? Did he even love me anymore?

What did it matter now? I was going to be dead soon.

He made a choking sound that sounded like a sob. He did remember who I was. I knew it now.

Before I could try and talk to him, I felt teeth press against my neck. Teeth? What? I started shaking uncontrollably in fear. However he intended to kill me, it was going to hurt. Badly.

Edward was ripped away from my body and I was swooped up instantly into somebody's arms.

"Close your eyes" came Alice's voice. I had just been saved from death, so I was not about to disobey her. I clamped my eyes shut and felt her take off with me still in her grasp. It felt like we were barely moving, but the cold wind hitting the back of my neck told me we were moving at an incredible rate. My stomach clenched into a tight knot and I felt like screaming. I was so confused; more confused than I had ever been. I had just been about to die, and here I was in the arms of a tiny girl, being...protected? Maybe? Or, maybe I was about to be killed.

And then it hit me. Whatever was going on with the Cullens and the Hales, it was happening to Edward. That topaz colour, that skin...

"Let me go!" I screamed at Alice. She didn't let me go. She kept running.

I wrenched open my eyes and shut them again almost immediately. In the few seconds they had been open, I saw my surroundings were a dark green blur. We were moving too fast. Alice was speeding through the forest at such a rate that even thinking about it made my muscles ache. There was no way that Alice was normal. Human, even.

"Not until you're far away" she said, her voice perfectly even and controlled. How was she not coughing and spluttering from the immense energy it would require to move this fast? She seemed fully at ease, apart from the slight fear I could sense coming from her. This confirmed my thoughts that she was protecting me, and that she was definitely not human.

We ran for another few minutes, and I supposed that would equal maybe a day of me walking. Finally, still holding onto me, Alice set me down on the ground. She clung to my wrist as if I would try and run away from her at any moment. I had thought about that, but had realised that it was no use. She was faster than any car I had seen, and I certainly had no hope of outrunning her, or ever hiding from her.

I looked up at her beautiful face and saw she wore that same blank expression she had back at the party. Her eyes were distant and glossy. Why did this happen to her?

"Good" she sighed aloud. I cocked my head at her. When she saw my confused expression, she gave a small giggle. It was uncontrolled, and sounded slightly insane. It scared me.

"Would you believe me if I said I was a psychic?" she asked, sounding amused. I studied her expression for a while; from what I could see in the dark she look troubled. Her bright eyes were darkened not just by the black night, but by some unreadable emotion.

"I would" I admitted, being perfectly honest with her and myself, "There's something about you guys."

"There's no need to be afraid anymore" she assured me, hearing my trembling voice. Sweat dripped down the back of my neck and I wiped it away hastily.

"Afraid?" I asked, on the verge of tears again, "There's no need?" Anger was rising in my chest and it stung my eyes.

"He just tried to kill me!" I yelled, directing all of my anger at Alice, whom I barely knew. I wasn't angry at her because she took me into the forest alone, I was angry at her because she knew things I didn't. And she wasn't the one who had just faced death. Yet she knew everything. I knew she did.

"How do you know Edward?" she asked after a long, awkward pause. I swallowed hard, for I had never talked about what happened with Edward, not even to Charlie. Not properly. Saying it aloud might bring back too many memories, bringing on unwanted feelings.

"We were friends" I said flatly. She didn't believe me for one second, and who would? I was a bad liar.

"More than friends" she said. It wasn't a question. I nodded slowly, refusing to look away from my hands that were fidgeting in my lap.

"How did he end up in Washington?" she asked, leaning forward. I sighed and lifted my head up to meet hers. She looked so concerned, kind. It was difficult not to spill my guts to her. But I didn't know who she was, not really. And this was not the time or place to be divulging into my past with a stranger who possessed extraordinary powers.

"How about you tell me what's going on, first?" I asked rudely. I could see hesitation in her smile. She didn't want to tell me anything; or maybe she couldn't tell me anything.

"I shouldn't tell you. It would put you in danger..." she trailed off.

Acting like a stubborn child, my lips fell into a pout. I didn't care about danger, apparently I was in enough already with my ex boyfriend on an endless tirade to try and do me in.

"Alice" I choked out, my eyes welling with the tears that had been threatening to spill over for quite a while, "You have to tell me."

"I know" she sighed. I straightened up in hope that I would get something, anything about what had gone on tonight.

"You're not going to believe me at first. But you will eventually. You'll be scared, that's for certain, and you'll probably try to run away from me..."

"Alice" I interrupted, "I just want answers."

"Alright, but don't blame me when you've heard too much. You asked for answers, and you're getting them. Every single one of them."

"Answer away."

"The Cullens, the Hales. We're all the same thing. We aren't human" she looked at me warily, while choosing her next words carefully, "I want you to understand, firstly, that we are not bad. We don't hurt humans. We are the good guys. Or...we try to be" her face turned lack and I knew that she was thinking of Edward.

"Vampires."

I started to giggle. Alice's eyes turned wide and she looked at me like I had slapper her in the face.

"S-sorry" I sniggered, "It's just...v-vampires? You can't be."

Alice stood up and started to walk away. I thought at first that it was because I had offended her, but when she walked up to a tree and stopped next to it, I could tell she wanted to show me what she was, instead of tell me.

With a quick, small flick of her wrist the tree snapped right off its thick roots and the trunk rested in her right hand. The whole time she had been watching my reaction with caution. No, it couldn't be real. I was passed out in Jasper's room. I was still back at the party. There was no such thing as...

Vampires.

Alice broke the tree again, and again and again until all I could do was stare, frozen by shock and some awe.

I turned from giggling to sobbing in an instant. I think I finally snapped. So much had happened that night, and this just pushed me over the edge. Vampires.

The Cullens, Hales, whoever...they were vampires.

Creatures feared by humans for centuries. Vampires. Once fictional characters from poor horror movies that used to scare me to tears. They were real. It was all real. I wasn't dreaming.

"Bella?" she asked, peering at my face from meters away. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I could only sob. Tears rolled down my cheeks and fell into my lap, one by one. It was so quiet that I could hear each drop hit my legs.

Drip, drip, drip.

It was like a tap, driving me insane slowly, but surely. It couldn't be real. Edward was back. He couldn't be.

Drip, drip, drip.

It just wasn't fair.

"Bella, I'm not going to hurt you" she said, dropping the tree and causing the ground to rumble. She moved swiftly over to me and tentatively placed a hand on my shoulder.

"I know it's a shock."

"Hmmmmm" was all that erupted from my throat. I was unable to make any other sounds, let alone speak my thoughts. Edward Masen. A vampire. A monster – one who tried to kill me.

"In Edward's defence, he never meant to hurt you" she said quietly, "When we smell blood, sometimes things get a little out of hand."

Seeing the confused look on my face, Alice explained.

"We're not like the other vampires. We only drink the blood of animals" she offered me a small smile and I finally calmed a little. But not enough to trust myself to speak, no, I wasn't that calm yet.

"Edward, when he was turned, killed two people. That's a lot less than most of us. Carlisle, our father, was very proud of his ability to ignore the scent of human blood. But it's your scent. The smell of your blood. It must have driven him insane. I can tell you right now that he had no idea who you were. He has no memory of his past life, or so we think. It's hard to tell with Edward. I'm usually very perceptive of people, but Edward...he's something I've never experienced before. It's like he's always trying to make up for something, but not even he knows what. I think that may have been you. The thing he needs to make up for. He left you, didn't he?"

I nodded slowly. It hurt to remember those days I spent, searching for him without sleep or rest. I barely stopped to let myself think or even eat. I just kept looking for him, waiting for him.

"He's never forgotten about it. He's never forgiven himself."

"Good" I spat, having finally gathered the mental strength to speak. Alice looked at me with a hurt and shocked expression. Did she honestly expect me to just run back into Edward's arms? I wouldn't even consider giving him another chance, let alone actually give him one.

"I'm not saying you take him back, or even talk to him. Just forgive him. He deserves it" she said quietly. Was she serious? I glared at her with all the anger I had bottled up inside of me over the past two years.

"You think he deserves anything from me?" I asked in a voice that could most likely freeze fire, given the chance.

"I think he deserves something" she answered. I could tell she was sincere, and that Edward hadn't asked her to do this for him. She really cared about him, and she truly thought that he deserved forgiveness.

"I'll have to think on that" I said bitterly after a few moments of thought. Alice took this as a yes and smiled widely, flashing a set of very hard-looking, very white teeth.

**Edward.**

Exiled in my own room. Just like my human days. The same feeling of uselessness and the same contempt for myself. It was as if I were experiencing a flashback, and it was all too fucking terrible to be true.

At least I wasn't drowning my sorrows with a bottle of vodka. Instead, I was writing music. Lots of music.

I sat at my piano and strummed my dusty guitar. Carlisle had once offered to buy me a new guitar, but I wanted to keep my own. It was the only significant thing I had left from my days as a human. The other things – they had been lost.

I only just started to remember where I got the shabby guitar from.

I purchased it from the old music store in Phoenix, with Bella, that day my mother died.

I looked around my room, in hope to find something to distract my thoughts from the dark events of my past. My tall walls were covered in sheets of hand-written music and the one wall that wasn't was covered in stacks of CD's. Anybody who didn't know what I was would expect me to have some kind of neurological disorder. And technically I did. Technically I was an insomniac, leaving me long nights with nothing to do bar write music.

The song I was currently working on was only half finished. I had written the piano sheet a few hours before, and now at three thirty in the morning, I was up to the guitar sheet. I strummed mindlessly until I had a tune. It was soft, sorrowful. Exactly how I was feeling.

I had a few lines down when Carlisle entered my room. I had been so absorbed in my music that I hadn't even heard him approaching. He startled me and I broke a string.

"Jesus Christ" I swore under my breath.

"Watch your tongue, Edward" said Carlisle wearily.

"Sorry" I croaked, setting my guitar down and swinging around on the stool to face him. He looked exhausted, though vampires didn't technically wear out, not really. It had to be emotional stress. Which meant it was my entire fault.

Look at him there. He's not a monster. I wasn't wrong to bring him into my family. Was I?

His thoughts were too much to bear. Guilt like I had never before experience, not even when leaving Bella, stampeded through my heart like a pack of rhinos. I was a wretched thing, to betray Carlisle in such a way. He was a very passionate man; you could see it in his eyes. He cared for all of us, for his work, his favourite books. Above all things, he was passionate about life. If you tried to take something away that meant so much to him, there would be consequences.

My consequence? Isolation.

I didn't blame Carlisle. I brought it all on myself.

"Edward" he said softly, moving forward to take a seat on my sofa, "You don't have to stay in here anymore. Your punishment was over days ago."

"I know" I said flatly. I was well aware that I was now free, that I could do as I pleased. The thing was; I was scared to leave my room. I didn't trust myself. Who's to say that I wouldn't run back to Washington as soon as I stepped out of the front doors?

I'm worried about him.

"I know" I said again, answering his thoughts aloud. Carlisle looked at me with a raised, blond eyebrow and then, as though to remember that I could read his thoughts, his eyes widened.

"Edward. We all forgive you."

"But you don't. Not all of you" I said, knowing the truth. Rosalie, Jasper and Esme still held some doubts and disappointment for me, and they each had let me know without realising it.

Esme would smile at me and hug me, when I knew what she was really thinking: 'I still can't forgive you. We trusted you. How I wish I had my son back.'

I hated being able to read minds.

"We're trying" he defended. And I knew that at least that claim was true. Each member of my family fought with themselves mentally over what to do, how to treat me. I had to agree that they were trying their hardest; even Rosalie.

"Alice wants to see you" he said after a long silence. I was too concerned with my own thoughts to be listening to his.

"Send her up" I said with mock enthusiasm. Carlisle stared at me for a moment.

He's changed.

He left my room with that final blow, and Alice was soon to follow. My heart did lighten at the sight of her. Spiky hair, bright eyes, amused smile. She was my favourite sister, and I owed everything to her. Mainly my sanity.

She didn't need to say anything. I could already see it in her mind.

She'd had a vision recently, and she was remembering it – a private screening just for me.

I was pacing across the courtyard of Washington State University. I was worried. I was frowning and ringing my hands together. My head snapped up suddenly, and my eyes turned from the gold they were to the black of night. My nostrils flared and a low growl erupted from my chest.

Bella walked down the stairs across from me and looked at me sternly as if to say, 'Touch me, and I'll never forgive you.'

She walked close to me, but not too close. She had a wary look on her face, behind the anger and seriousness. She stood a few meters away, never looking away from my eyes.

"I'm glad you agreed to meet me" I said. Seeing myself was always an odd feeling, and it was heightened by the fact I looked like I would throw up any moment. It was clear that I was overcome by Bella's scent.

"Just get to the point, Edward."

The way she said my name, even through Alice's mind, send shivers down my spine. She hated me.

"I would like to apologise. For everything that I have ever done to harm you, or upset you. I know it doesn't change anything, but I hope it will give you some peace of mind, knowing that I regret every single thing I ever did to you."

"You mean it will give you some peace of mind" she spat. I saw my shoulders sag and my face twist into an expression of hurt. She wasn't going to make it easy.

"I can't take back what I did to you, but I wish every day and night that I could. I know you've moved on, and I know you hate me. I just need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to see that I did it for your safety. I was going to die, and I didn't want you to see me so broken."

Bella scoffed and then the vision faded away to nothing.

Pulling myself out of Alice's mind, I sat down numbly on my sofa and put my head in my hands.

"She's going to agree to see me" I said after a moment of thought.

"Yes. If she doesn't change her mind, that is."

I sighed. Alice's visions were never fully accurate. They would change, depending on the thoughts and decisions of those involved. Sometimes, even the tiniest change of plans could alter the future entirely.

"Will she forgive me?"

"I didn't see that."

"Will I hurt her?" I asked, feeling sick at the thought.

"I didn't see that either, but it all depends on..."

"My choices. I know" I sighed. It was a lot of responsibility and I wasn't sure if I was ready. But I had seemed so confident of myself in the vision. I had struggled; sure, but I looked so determined not to hurt her.

"When will this happen?" I asked, already knowing the answer.

"That's all up to you" Alice said quietly.

"I don't know if I'll ever be ready."

"So, what? Are you going to stay in your room every hour of every day, Edward? Look at you! You're weak. You haven't had blood in days. I have never seen you look so pale. And your eyes are darker than I have ever seen on a vampire."

She was right. I was going to die if I didn't hunt within the next few days.

"I'll take you hunting" she offered, "Just me and you, like old times."

Please, Edward.

I smiled at her. She knew how to sweeten a deal. I wouldn't have to worry about the thoughts of everyone else, just Alice. And Alice had forgiven me long before anybody else. I don't think she had even been disappointed with me in the first place. Just concerned.

"Thank you, Alice."

"What are big sisters for?"

I chuckled at her as she walked over to me, grabbing my arm and pulling me up. We ran down the stairs and raced out through the back doors to the Forks wilderness.

There was something new inside of me. Something I hadn't felt in a long time, certainly something I had never felt as a vampire.

Hope. I had hope.

Maybe, just maybe, I would be forgiven for the terrible things I had done. Maybe Bella would even see me as a friend, one day. Maybe even more.

I grinned at Alice as I approached an elk, crouched into an attack stance. Alice beamed at me from the other side of the elk, and nodded. We took it down together and she let me have all of its blood, because she was the best sister in the fucking world.

**A/N**: Who loves Alice? I can see a lot of people may assume that this will go exactly like New Moon, with Bella running straight back to Edward and forgetting everything he has done to her. Trust me. She won't.

I'm working on a playlist, and I have just finished a banner. Thanks to everyone who has alerted, faved and reviewed.


	15. Chapter 14

**Chapter 14.**

**Edward.**

After a few days I had started to become myself again. It's a shame that I wasn't sure of whom exactly that person was anymore. Edward Cullen or Masen? Was I a selfish alcoholic with no hope in life, or was I a vampire in love; one who regretted everything that he had done in his past, and hoped to make amends?

It would be easier being the alcoholic.

But I was given a second chance. And I was going to make use of that. I didn't – no, I _couldn't_ - disappoint my family again. That's why I asked Jasper up to my room so I could speak with him.

"What is it, Edward?" he asked. Through his mind and his tone I could tell he still held some hostility towards me, but I knew I could change that if I really wanted to. He and I had always been very close. He was the brother I wanted so dearly in my human life.

"I would like to apologize" I said seriously, looking Jasper straight in the eye, "I have never said it, but I am sorry. If I could, I would take back everything I did that night. I never really wanted to hurt Bella. Or you."

"I wasn't angry that you hurt me. I was angry that you were going to kill my friend" he said stiffly.

"Bella is your friend?"

"For a mind reader, you're not very perceptive, Edward."

"You're right."

"You wanted anything else?" he asked, sounding bored. I couldn't help but feel a little hurt at this. I had put myself out there, and Jasper was completely shutting me out. I did deserve it, but didn't I also deserve a second chance with him? Two years of brotherhood couldn't simply be lost over one mistake. It just couldn't.

"Do you accept my apology first?" I asked.

_Do I? He was near to killing me, and there's no doubt that he would have. And he would've killed Bella. He would have ruined everything for himself, and for our family. But we've all had our temporary loss of control, and I suppose Edward's had his. Maybe it will all be over now. He's my brother; I can't hate him forever._

I listened quietly to Jasper's thoughts. He was having a whole argument with himself. He wanted to forgive me, but he was so protective of our family. _His family. _They were his relatives longer than they were mine.

"I forgive you" he said finally, "But I suppose you already know that."

"You know, I didn't. I stopped paying attention" I admitted.

"You can do that?"

"Only recently. I get so consumed by my own thoughts that I have no awareness of the hundred voices in my head as well."

"That's talent, man."

I smiled at him. He returned it and we stepped forward into a brotherly hug. It was a rare moment that filled me with joy I had not felt in days.

"I did want something else" I said finally. Jasper laughed.

"I knew you would."

I took a deep breathe, out of habit more than anything else, "Talk to Bella for me."

"No."

I sighed. I knew he would say this. But I had a plan.

Alice came through the door.

My plan had arrived.

_Oh, no _came Jasper's voice in my head. I didn't smirk or laugh. This was a serious issue, and I was lucky that Alice had agreed to help me. I, the spectator, stood back and watched the couple argue. All for me. Alice would argue with her husband for me.

I didn't deserve her kindness or dedication.

"Jasper" she said quietly.

"I can't do that to her" he snapped, "I've hurt enough humans in the past."

"You won't be hurting her."

"I may as well be. Who knows what he would do?"

"I know."

"You're visions are subjective, Alice. There's no way of being completely sure that he won't rip her head off as soon as he sees her!"

"I will be watching."

"And who's to say he won't do to you what he did to me?"

I decided that I couldn't go on being a spectator any longer. It was almost as if they had forgotten I was there, and I needed to make an input.

"I'm to say" I said loudly after clearing my throat.

_Can we trust him?_

"Jasper. You can trust me."

"How do you know you're ready?"

"I just do."

"You wouldn't have known you were ready if Alice hadn't told you of her vision."

"True. But I am ready."

"I won't do it, Edward. Alice, please don't make me do this."

"Nobody is making you do anything, Jasper" Alice said quietly, offering him a small, sad smile.

Jasper wasn't reassured by us. He was too doubtful of me, which was understandable. But both Alice and I knew the real reason he was so hesitant. Jasper hadn't always been a 'good' vampire. I had learned this one night when listening to his thoughts. I tried to pull away, but they dragged me in and consumed me for a good hour or two.

Jasper was once a fierce nomadic vampire, traveling on his lonesome, killing humans every day. He felt no guilt at the time, but one day when he held a small girl in his arms, dead, he finally woke up to himself. Ever since then, he has felt like he is always in debt to whatever greater power looks over us. He has always felt the need to be kind to everyone, even humans, unless they give him a proper reason not to be.

I feared that if it weren't for Alice, Jasper would be a wreck. Or maybe he wouldn't even be here.

Alice and I waited for him to speak. All the while, my mind was reeling with his thoughts. Alice's would occasionally push through. She was worried for him. She was nervous of his answer, and hoping that she hadn't upset him too much. He was everything to her.

"If you hurt her. Leave. Never come back. Do you understand how serious this is?" he asked me finally. I nodded slowly.

"I won't let any of you down again, Jazz."

"Let's hope not" he said bitterly. I knew perfectly well that I was pushing the boundaries of our fragile relationship, but it had to be done. There was no way I could continue on with my existence having never given Bella another try, having never given myself another chance.

I couldn't be such a heartless creature if I held so much remorse for what I did, could I? That certainly meant that I deserved to see Bella again. Hopefully.

Alice beamed at the both of us and walked off looking satisfied.

_They'll be back to normal in no time._

I wasn't sure if she was thinking about Jasper and me, or Bella and me. I had a feeling she meant both.

One thing, though, was a certainty. I would be seeing Bella Swan again. This time I would not try to kill her. This time I would treat her as a person, and I would act like one.

**Bella.**

I was confused. I was hurting. I was upset. I was angry. I was helpless.

And I was more.

I had never been so filled with emotion, thoughts, feelings. Not even when he left me. I walked around the campus numbly, not really knowing where I was going or who I was talking to. My body acted yet my mind was always elsewhere.

"Thank you, class. I would like and essay exploring the modern influence of Shakespeare handed in tomorrow morning. Two thousand to three thousand words. No more, no less. You should find all you need in the notes you have no doubt been taking. You are dismissed."

I snapped my head up from my paper and was pulled back to reality by the sound of student chatter and laughter. I had zoned out of a whole session. I was startled to see the notebook underneath my hands was filled with notes.

I was too upset to even appreciate the immense talent that would be required to subconsciously take notes on Shakespeare. I sighed a heavy sigh and closed my notebook. I would struggle with the set essay all night that night, I just knew it. Like every night since my encounter with Edward Cullen, I had not slept a wink. I would lie in bed fuming about the son of a bitch who left me, then proceeded to try and kill me.

What was worse was that I wasn't even sure if it was real or not. The Cullens had disappeared. They weren't at college.

Maybe they never even existed.

I would be one hundred percent sure that the whole fiasco was a delusion if Jessica Stanley wasn't whinging to me about 'that Rosalie bitch' day in, day out. I wanted her to shut her mouth. I _wanted_ it all to have been a dream, a hallucination. I hoped to God that I would wake up soon, and I would be back in Forks living my simple life with Charlie as my only friend.

I walked back to my room and sat down on my bed wearily. I was severely lacking sleep. It didn't take an idiot to see that. The bags that had accumulated underneath my eyes were a sign of my distress. Even Jessica had asked if I was feeling okay. When that happened, it was time to take action.

I looked up Jasper's email on the college database. I sucked in a deep breath and opened up my emails on the outdated computer that Jessica and I shared.

My breath caught as I tried to construct an email that would not make me seem like an escaped mental patient.

_Hi Jasper.  
I know you're a vampire. Your whole family is. And your brother, who is funnily enough my ex, tried to kill me the other night. First, I would like to thank you for saving me. Second, I would like to meet the vampire who cannot control his thirst for blood around me. If you could set up this meeting, it would be greatly appreciated.  
Regards, Bella._

Right. There was no way in hell that this email would sound the least bit realistic. I was emailing a vampire, after all.

I hadn't had much time to even start thinking about vampires existing. My thoughts had been centered around Edward, and only Edward. Can you blame me? I thought he was dead. I hoped he was dead.

I was mad enough at the fact that he had left me without any notice, and that he felt he could prance around Washington with no remorse. But the fact he was no longer human? That he was a predator, designed to kill people like me? That had barely crossed my mind.

And now that it did, I found myself hyperventilating at the computer. My chest was tight and I wasn't sure if it was because I wasn't getting enough air, or because I was having an anxiety attack. It could have very well been a mixture of both.

Jessica came through the door at possibly the worst time imaginable. I had tears in my eyes, I was clutching my chest as though experiencing a heart attack, I was doubled over on the computer desk and I was sobbing violently.

She just looked at me.

I didn't care what she thought. She was insignificant. She was food. We all were.

Vampire fodder.

"Bella?" she asked, raising a freshly plucked eyebrow.

I sobbed even more. How could she even think I was capable of words at a time like this?

"Bella. Breathe."

She sounded upset herself, and that could be because I was making her feel uncomfortable. Or maybe she was genuinely concerned for my wellbeing.

The first option seemed more likely.

"Bella. You're scaring me."

First one. Definitely the first one.

I didn't answer her for a good few minutes. Instead, I continued my sobbing and gasping for air. When I finally gathered my senses, Jessica was shifting her feet around the floor nervously.

"What just happened?"

"I got some bad news from home" I lied. What was I supposed to say? Vampires are real? The guy you want drinks blood?

"I hope everything is...uh, okay" she said awkwardly. I nodded as pleasantly as I could.

She turned her back on me to sit at her vanity. I could see she wanted me gone, so I turned off the computer, grabbed my bag and my class notes and walked out of the door as quickly as I could. To be honest, I wanted to get out of there too.

I walked down the stairs carefully and found myself standing in the middle of the courtyard. Where it all happened. Even though it was dark at the time, and it was light now, I felt a shiver run up my spine. Flashes of the night hit me fast and hard.

Edward slamming into me.

Edward pressing his lips to my neck.

Edward sobbing.

Edward taunting.

A sudden dizziness came over me and I had to stumble over to the nearest bench to avoid falling over.

"Got a minute?" asked a voice I didn't want to hear. I closed my eyes tight and hoped he would go away because if I saw him, it would mean it was definitely all real. Vampires, Edward, Alice. The whole night.

"No" I said through my tight jaw. My eyes stayed shut.

"Bella."

The way he said my name brought a feeling of calm to me. I opened my eyes and peered at him. Yes. There he was. Jasper Hale.

"May I have a seat?" he asked. I looked at him warily and gestured lazily with my hand to the spot beside me. Jasper smiled and took a seat.

"Nice view" he said, staring out to the thick trees surrounding the courtyard. He was stalling. Or maybe preparing me.

"What do you want?" I asked sharply.

"I think there are a few things that need clearing up."

"I think I understand everything perfectly."

"You don't."

He sounded passionate. Serious. Determined.

"Amuse me, then."

"He didn't know it was you until he was too far under."

"Under what?"

"He was dragged under, into this kind of hole where nothing exists but his need for blood" he explained, while I stared ahead blankly.

I said nothing.

"And when he realized what he was going to do, who he was going to do it _to_, he fell apart."

"Good on him" I said venomously.

"He didn't eat for days afterward. He didn't come out of his room. He wouldn't look any of us in the eye until last night."

"See? He got over it" I said. I was disappointed that he didn't spend longer in his exile. I wanted him to feel bad. I could only imagine what Edward would be doing now. Drinking blood? Laughing? Joking around?

Was it wrong of me to want him to experience a little pain? Just a fraction of what I went through?

"He isn't over it. His hope was just restored."

I snorted.

"He doesn't deserve hope."

"I used to think that, too. He almost killed me as well, did you know?"

"No. I didn't."

I wanted to cry. My throat tightened and I felt the familiar stinging of my eyes. But I wouldn't cry. I wouldn't show weakness.

Edward wasn't getting another chance.

"Alice had a vision of the two of you talking."

"Did she? Well, it was wrong."

"She could be. It depends on your decision."

"Mine?"

"You don't have to forgive him. Just talk to him, hear him out. You may very well forgive him, or you may hate him even more. At least you both tried."

I sat in silence, staring into Jasper's golden eyes in deep thought. Did I want to hear Edward out? Would I completely fall for him again, or would I scold him? I wasn't sure of what I would do around him. I wasn't sure of anything, lately.

"He could kill me."

"He's very strong-willed. He won't kill you if he doesn't want to, now that he knows who you are."

"Why are you defending him?" I asked. After all, he had just said that Edward had almost killed him. What for? A measly human. Food. Nothing special.

"I realized that I care for him enough to give him another chance" he said honestly. I could see no deceit in his beautiful eyes. He meant every word he said.

"Do you think I should see him?"

"I didn't at first. I couldn't stand it if he killed you; you're my friend. It would be partially my fault if he did. And it would be placing our whole secret at risk."

I considered his words as he stared out to the trees.

"But now I think you should. If not to hear him out, then maybe for him to hear you out. I've no doubt you're itching to have a few shots at him. Could you at least grant yourself that?"

He was right. I wanted to yell and scream at Edward for hours.

But was it worth seeing him again? Was it worth subjecting myself to my one weakness?

I wasn't sure.

The thing about my whole life was that I never took chances. And the few times I did, they all inevitably ended in heartache.

I took a chance when I sat with Edward under the tree for the first time. I took a chance when I told Edward I loved him. I took that last, fatal chance when I told Edward he would be sent away.

Was I stupid enough to take another?

The answer was yes. I was stupid enough to take another chance with Edward. I was stupid enough to give him the chance to explain himself.

**

Jasper had told me that Edward was only a few minutes away, and that I should go back to my room and do something to dull my scent. It made me nervous, having to make such preparations. I hastily scrubbed Jessica's blueberry soap on my skin under the shower. I used her perfume. I wore a large black cloak and jeans I had never worn. I tied my hair back and tried to smell as un-Bella as possible. But I didn't know what I smelled like, so it was a hard task.

After twenty minutes I was satisfied with both my smell and my appearance. I had applied a small amount of mascara and some strawberry lip gloss, mainly so I wouldn't gnaw my lip off.

Why did I care so much about what I looked like? It was Edward. I didn't love him anymore, so why should I have cared? I couldn't answer my own questions, so I left my room without another thought. Who cared. There was a possibility I would be killed soon enough.

I walked down the stairs and looked up. He was there. I couldn't help but let a small tear fall down my cheek. He looked so sad. So broken.

The old Bella spoke up and told me to run to him, jump into his arms and kiss him all over. The new Bella told her to shut her mouth and go back to the hole she was hiding in, because she wasn't wanted or needed today. And that was true.

He was standing right next to the bench Jasper and I had been at not so long ago. A gust of wind blew past me and he instantly stiffened.

His fists were clenched, his nostrils flared and his lips thin. I froze, wondering if he could really control himself. I was relieved to find that he had not yet tried to rip me apart.

When he looked up at me I looked straight back down at my feet. I didn't know how I would react to those eyes. They were his, but they weren't.

I decided it would be better to show him I was strong, to let him know that he wasn't my weakness.

Though he was. But he didn't need to know.

I looked up and met his black eyes. I concentrated so hard on setting a serious look on my face that I thought I might explode. When I reached him, his eyes turned soft, however dark and evil they seemed. It was easy to tell that he still had feelings for me. It was either that or he was thinking about drinking my blood.

"I'm glad..." he cut off, furrowing his perfectly shaped eyebrows at me. I had reached the end of the stairs and was now standing just a few meters away. I could smell him. He smelled like Edward, but so much sweeter. It almost made my mouth water.

No. I couldn't get mixed up in his beauty. He was heartless. He left me. He tried to kill me.

"I can't read you" he said as his eyes widened. They were still that dark black that sent warning signs to my brain. It told me to run and never look back.

"I'm sorry, what?"

"I can't read you" he repeated.

"I don't have time for this, Edward" I sighed. That was a lie; I had a lot of time, I just couldn't be bothered with his confusing remarks. I wanted to get this over with.

He looked surprised by my hostility, but sped up our conversation nonetheless.

"I would like to apologize. For everything that I have ever done to harm you, or upset you. I know it doesn't change anything, but I hope it will give you some peace of mind, knowing that I regret every single thing I ever did to you."

I almost laughed aloud. He wanted to give me peace of mind? Not likely. I could see right through him. _He_ wanted peace of mind. _He_ wanted to be at ease. He only wanted my apology so he could get on with his life.

"You mean it will give _you_ some peace of mind" I observed loudly. He sighed, letting his stiffness float away. He was hunched over. He looked defeated.

"I can't take back what I did to you, but I wish every day and night that I could. I know you've moved on, and I know you hate me. I just need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I need you to see that I did it for your safety. I was going to die, and I didn't want you to see me so broken."

I had to scoff at his pathetic excuse for an apology.

_He_ was pathetic. Everything he was saying was pathetic. And here I was, thinking he might have actually been sorry. I could see then that it was just an act. He just wanted me to forgive him.

It wasn't going to happen. Not in a million years.


	16. Chapter 15

**Chapter 15.**

**Edward.**

She wasn't going to forgive me. It was obvious.

I was elated by the fact she had agreed to join me, and the conversation between us had gone almost exactly as it had in Alice's vision. But there was one small difference.

I couldn't read her mind.

It was stupid and unobservant of me to not have picked it up already. I tried to listen into her mind, to get a grasp of where she was at, but there was nothing.

I wanted so dearly to know what was running through her beautiful mind. I needed to know what she thought of me, where she was planning on letting this go, how long she would stay here and listen to what I had to say.

"Sorry will never fix what I have done to you."

"Too right" she mumbled, kicking at the ground with her left boot.

"But maybe, with time, it won't be as bad..."

"You're quite confident of that, aren't you?" she snapped. I suppose I was. I had been confident that she would at least grant me time. But not anymore. I could see that the argument I had constructed would be thrown back into my face like nothing more than a piece of trash.

And, truth be told, I knew I deserved every bit of it. I deserved every harsh word she dealt me, every glare, every cruel thought.

I had to breathe again. Something I didn't enjoy doing around Bella.

Technically, vampires need not breathe. But to speak, to smell; it was a necessity. And I could no longer continue conversing with Bella without air in my lungs.

As soon as I breathed in my body called out for me to kill her. Every sensory organ throbbed with the burning pain of her scent. I could feel it tickling my skin, itching the inside of my nose, burning in my throat.

She must have noticed my struggle for she backed up a few more meters. I was scaring her.

"It's okay, Bella" I assured her.

"It's Isabella to you" she snarled, "And how am I supposed to believe you?"

"I don't know. It's hard, I admit. But I am coping. Better than I thought..."

Bella looked at me with such an intense anger I almost pinned her as a vampire herself.

"_Better than you thought?_" she shrieked, throwing her hands up into the air, "So you weren't sure of how things would go. You weren't certain of you will power? _You put me at risk, AGAIN!_"

She was howling at me, spitting words at me like I was a common felon.

"I needed to see you."

"I didn't need to see you, Edward. I was doing fine until you came along. I was rebuilding my life..." she sobbed, but covered it up nicely with a growl. Her eyes were flaming, her hair whipping around her face in the wind. She looked a bit deranged, if anything. I found myself fearing her.

The vampire was fearing the human.

The predator was fearing its prey.

She continued.

"And what excuse do you have for that? 'I did it for you.' Bullshit you did it for me. You did it for yourself. You were feeling guilty, and you couldn't stand it any longer. You left. You left because you were too goddamn selfish to stay with me and let me help you out!"

She stopped to suck in air.

I was too shocked to do anything, let alone breath myself. Here was my Bella. She was standing right before me. She looked just like she used to, maybe even more gorgeous than I remembered her. Yet she hated me. She despised me.

Things had changed over two years, and it was all because of me. She was right.

"That may have been a part of it" I said evenly, trying not to portray the dark emotions which were slowly engulfing me, "But don't ever doubt that I wasn't think of your wellbeing, too. I didn't want to drag you down any longer."

"That's the biggest cop out I have ever heard, Edward Masen" she spat.

"Cullen" I corrected her without thinking of the consequences. She didn't need any more change than she was already experiencing. And it seemed I had just put the icing on her very fragile cake.

It collapsed.

"That just proves it, then! You're not who you used to be. You are not the person I loved! You're not even a person. Oh...my God...you're a vampire. You tried to kill me. And worse, you left me! That was worse than death, Edward _Cullen_. Worse than death. I didn't know what happened to you. I didn't know what to think. It ripped Charlie's heart apart. It ripped mine apart. And you've done it again. Can't you just stay out of my life? I don't want you back. I don't need you. Leave!"

She was screaming at me without taking any breaths. I could hear her heart straining in her chest. Her face was turning red.

"Bella. Breathe" I said sternly. She blinked at me and sucked in another deep breath. Her heart returned to normal, but her face was still red. I had no doubt that it was anger, and no longer lack of oxygen that caused the pink tinge.

"Leave" she said icily.

"I can't" I argued.

"Why? What's keeping you here? Me? That's ridiculous. I couldn't keep you the first time, why now?"

So many questions, my head was spinning.

"Because I was too messed up last time. I had two options. I chose the wrong one. It was a mistake."

"Oh, that's great. It was a mistake. I suppose I just need to forgive you now and we will live happily ever after?"

I groaned. Maybe it would be best if I did leave Bella, or Washington altogether. I was sure that my family wouldn't mind moving a few years early.

But I didn't progress all of this way to give up on Bella. I would stand my ground, as fragile as it was.

"I won't give up on you. I love you."

"What you feel isn't love" she snapped, "If you ever loved me you would have stayed."

"But I left_ because I love you_" I said, almost in hysterics. I didn't care about showing my emotions anymore. I just needed Bella, and I needed her to understand.

"That wasn't love, Edward!" she shouted, "If you loved me, truly loved me, you would have stayed. You would have pushed aside your guilt and put me first! That's what love is. You put the ones you love before anyone or anything else. That's what I did for you for weeks. I spent every free hour taking care of you! I threw away my life for you! And you thank me by running away? No. That was never love. Lust, maybe. Maybe I was just a friend to you. Maybe you confused love with something less intense. Call it anything you want except...love."

"This isn't the end" I whispered, turning to run off. I heard Bella shout out to me but I was already long gone, racing through the thick forest towards home.

**

The next few days I spent alone. I hadn't returned home. My family knew where I was, or at least, Alice was informed. They had no need to worry, not really. I just needed time alone. I needed to figure myself out.

Was Bella right? Did I ever truly love her?

She had made me doubt myself. Like I had done to her two years ago.

So this was how defeat felt.

I had experienced defeat before, but I vaguely recalled it. I wondered if I ever really felt it. Surely I was so drunk so frequently, that most of the time I barely felt a thing.

If I could have had my way, I would have fallen to the grass and lay there until I died. Not only because I would have been easier for me, but for Bella. It would fix everything.

But was I ready to give up hope, after all the steps I had taken just to see Bella again?

No. I had decided, after a good seventy eight hour break, that I would return with a new game plan.

I would befriend Bella.

I would seduce Bella.

I would have my Bella back again, one way or the other. No matter what dire lengths I would have to go to, no matter how hard I had to try, she would be mine again. I would prove to her that I loved her with everything I had, even if I wasn't the same Edward as I was back then.

Even if I was no longer human.

A snap in the trees behind me startled me. Once again, I had been so absorbed by my own thoughts, that I had completely abandoned the quiet whir of thoughts penetrating my mind.

I couldn't hear anything. I tried my hardest, focusing all of my energy on the figure behind me. From the sound, I guessed it was at least two hundred meters away. But that was still too close for my liking.

It could have just been an animal. If I was lucky, it would be a stray lion or bear. I had grown tired of the bland taste of elk blood. I was in need of a hearty sort of blood.

Taking in a deep gust of air through my nostrils, I smelled it instantly. I whipped around and crouched down in the tall, dark green grass. I narrowed my eyes and readied myself for what was approaching.

Vampire.

I had to rely on my sensory organs in this instance, for I was unable to read its mind. Like Bella, it was completely blank. Usually there was at least a small buzzing, or a few words. Some people were harder to read than others.

But with Bella, and now this vampire, it was a void. Silence I had never experienced in my whole life. It was unsettling.

I could smell the overbearing sweetness that only came from a vampire coming nearer. I could hear the soft footsteps smack the grass carefully.

The vampire had notice me, too.

I studied the opening just ahead of me. Two very tall trees stood tall, covering the opening in a thin layer of foliage. I watched at the ready for a few more seconds until I saw it.

Her.

A woman, now vampire, standing behind the veil of leaves. She was staring at me, as I was at her.

I shifted slightly in my place. I was nervous. I had never been so vulnerable. Not knowing whether she was going to attack or not brought on an anxiety I had not felt in years. I feared for my life. More-so than that, I feared that I may never see Bella again. Her laugh. Her eyes. Her hair.

"Who are you?" the female vampire asked from afar. She had barely spoken, of course, but I could hear her perfectly.

"I am Edward Cullen. I reside not too far from here, in Forks."

"Nice to meet you, Edward Cullen" she said in a genuinely friendly tone. I stood up slowly so I would not alarm her, and she proceeded towards me at light speed.

She was in front of me in a second.

"And who are you?" I asked, eyeing her body language warily. She wasn't showing any signs of stress or worry, though I was lacking observation skills after relying on my talent for so long.

She could very well be planning my death, and I would be none the wiser.

"You can call me Rachel" she smirked, moving closer towards me. She looked to be in her late twenties. She had dimples and a kind face. I would almost say she was beautiful, if it weren't for her frightening red eyes. They were red as blood, and no wonder, since she probably fed off humans twice a day.

"And where are you from?"

"I am from wherever I want to be" she laughed, "I do not maintain a personal residence, as is the style currently" she added bitterly.

So my family weren't the only ones living among humans?

"I mean you no harm" she added, reaching out a hand to my face, "But if it is not too forward to say, you are one striking creature."

"Aren't we all?" I asked sarcastically.

She smirked again. That same cheeky smirk that I recognised from somewhere else. I couldn't think of where from.

"Not all of us. Some of us are plain. Beautiful, yes, to humans. But plain in my eyes. You – you stand out. You have a beauty beyond any male vampire I have ever seen."

"I wish I could say thank you, but I do not find that a very gracious compliment."

"And why not?"

"Our looks are tools to help us kill. You are saying that I have excellent killing tools, and I am no killer."

"You misunderstand my intentions. I was merely admiring your unique looks."

"And I accept that, but am not humbled by it."

"If you say so" she shrugged, looking up at the sky as if in deep thought. I found myself clenching my fists in frustration to hear her mind. I didn't trust her at all.

"Are you alone?" she asked, allowing her eyes to dart around the thick circle of trees surrounding us.

"For the time being, yes."

"Lucky you" she mused.

"You're not alone?"

"No. My...partner should be along soon. He was just finishing off his lunch" she smiled widely at her last comment, showing blood-stained teeth. It made me feel sick, frankly.

"I should go" I said, moving towards the opening in the trees. I didn't want to stay with her until her 'partner' arrived. That would mean more vampires to worry about. More threats to my safety.

And I couldn't have that. I needed to return safely to my family, my home, my Bella.

"Leaving so soon?" asked a male voice from behind me. I turned around quickly to see a man who must have been Rachel's partner standing tall, licking his fingers obnoxiously.

"I have matters to attend to" I said stiffly.

_There's something strange about this one. Nervous. Afraid..._

At least I could read his mind. I sighed a little, relaxing my shoulders.

_Definitely a newborn. But how young? Six months? A year at the most? He looks too mature and serious for that, yet he is acting like he has just been turned._

"Nice to meet you, young one. I'm James. I'm sure you've met Re..."

"Rachel" she chirped in.

'_Rachel', what is she...?_

We stood in an awkward silence while the one called 'James' observed me in his head. He had made certain judgements about me already; 'Scrawny' 'Lacking strength' 'Naive' 'Scared' 'Jumpy'

Maybe I was all of those. But did it matter right then? No. I just needed to get out alive.

"Yes, I am Edward Cullen" I said, clearing my throat nervously.

"As I said, it is nice to meet you. Would you care for a little hunt?"

"James, you just ate" Rachel said quietly, giggling.

"You can never have enough" he said with a husky laugh. It sent shivers down my spine.

I had never encountered such horrid, twisted vampires in my life.

"Edward" said Rachel, ignoring James and directing her gaze to me, "We will leave you now. But we should definitely hunt some time. You can show us what animals taste the best around here."

"I would be pleased to" I said in a false sincerity. They both bought it and left with a few small smiles and goodbyes.

When I was left alone, I wiped the back of my right hand across my brow out of habit from my human days. I didn't sweat, but the gesture was still meaningful.

I had escaped what could have been a very hairy situation.

**

An hour or two later, I was back at my home in Forks. Esme was gushing over me, stroking my hair and hugging me to her chest like a sick puppy. I suppose, in a way, it's exactly what I was.

Alice had seen me meeting Rachel and James, so after Esme's mothering, I was met with a very unwelcome interrogation from my eccentric sister.

"What did the woman look like?" she asked, smiling at me with such intense eyes that I couldn't deny her what she wanted. Gossip.

"Didn't you see?"

"Just her back."

"She looks to be in her twenties. Thirty would be pushing it."

"Go on!" she squeaked, wriggling in her seat excitedly. Sometimes Alice wore me out. Even looking at her made my head hurt.

After two years it was still hard to grasp at how friendly and positive she always was.

"Thick, brown hair. Brown eyes. Cheeky smile. You know the deal."

"Was she beautiful?"

"Yes, I suppose so. We all are."

"You know what I mean, Edward."

_Was she beautiful to you?_

"She was, I suppose. There was something about her. I don't know, Alice. My head hurts."

_Liar._

"And you couldn't read her mind, you say?"

"Not a murmur" I said darkly.

"Hmm."

_I wonder if he is losing his power. _

"I was thinking that too" I said, answering her thoughts. She raised both eyebrows at me.

_Maybe I should talk to Carlisle about this. He might know something._

"_I_ will talk to Carlisle" I snapped, pushing myself up from the couch, "It's my problem, after all."

"Sorry" she said, though I knew she wasn't. She would probably listen into the whole conversation.

That was the problem living here. You never had privacy. Everything you did and everything you said; everybody heard it. But I was glad I was here, instead of living a nomadic life like vampires such as Rachel and James.

I walked up the stairs and stopped outside the door leading to Carlisle's office. I raised my fist to knock, but he had already picked up my scent.

"Come in, Edward."

I had always been fascinated with Carlisle's office. When I had first learned to control my thirst, and begun to focus on things other than human blood, I had noticed what an interesting and involved life Carlisle had lived. He was over three hundred years old, and had experienced things I could never even dream of.

His office described him perfectly. It was neat, tidy, organised. It was all of these things, yet still modest. It wasn't showy with the rows of certificates along the walls, or with the photos of him with famous doctors and historical figures. It was just...Carlisle.

He was sitting in a padded armchair by his fireplace, reading a rather large, handwritten book. I saw the spine read: 'Psychological Experiments of the Late 1800's.'

I smirked and moved forward to sit in the armchair across from Carlisle. He finished reading the line he was on and placed the book down on the ground carefully, as though it were fine china.

_I wonder what he's done now._

"I need your advice" I announced, watching his reaction warily. He crossed his legs and stared at me. I almost felt his eyes burn holes in my skull.

That's how Carlisle looked at everyone. Like they were experiments. Puzzles to figure out. He didn't do it on purpose; it was just how his mind worked. He was always trying to figure people out. Sometimes I thought he deserved my power more than I did.

Most times I thought that.

_Go on._

I took a deep breath, wondering how to phrase what I was thinking without sound paranoid or possibly insane.

"I can't read Bella's mind. And I met a woman vampire earlier today. I couldn't read hers, either."

_Interesting. Were there any connections between the two?_

"Not that I know of, no."

_Strange. There are some humans who are immune to certain powers. And there have been vampires in history who possess shields._

"It wasn't just an immunity. It was like...a blank space. Nothing. When I tried to read either of their minds, it was just...a void. It's hard to explain, but it is pure nothingness to me. Silence. I never get that, ever. Some people I can't read. Some I can just barely. But nothing this extreme. And to find two in the space of a few days? What are the odds?"

_I admit, that does sound like more than just a mere coincidence._

"That's what I thought."

_Do you have any theories yourself?_

I took a deep breath, "Maybe I am losing my power."

_I have never heard or read of such a thing. But there is no definitive answer until we can either prove or disprove it._

My heart sank. I had been expecting Carlisle to know at least something about my theory.

_I advise that we wait and see it if happens again. In the meantime, I will read up on some material I have here, and you just relax. I doubt you are losing anything._

"Not even my mind?" I joked. Carlisle's eyes narrowed and his eyebrows furrowed.

"Never doubt your sanity, Edward. It's not a good thing to do as a vampire. It only leads to destruction, whether it be mind or body."

"I won't" I promised. And I was serious. When Carlisle asked something of me, I rarely went against his wishes. I had only ever done so once, and that was when I almost killed Jasper and Bella.

I had learned from my mistakes, and I would not make another.

"I will never doubt my sanity again" I said, just to clarify.

_Don't fall like the others have._

"The others?"

"Never mind, Edward. I will begin my research now, if you would like to stay feel free."

"No. There's something I have to do."

I walked out of the room as quickly as was respectable. I needed to see Bella, urgently. I had devised a plan of attack of sorts. She couldn't refuse. And if she did; then I would truly lose hope. And who knew what might happen then? I wouldn't do anything foolish. I had too much to lose. Alice, Esme, Carlisle, Jasper. Even Emmett and Rose. They didn't know it, but they were the only things keeping me reasonable at such an emotionally tiring time.

I wondered, as I walked through the large front doors of my house, if vampires were still susceptible to mental illnesses. I was certainly showing all of the signs of bipolar. Half of the time I just wanted to die, and half I had hope beyond anything I had ever experienced. It was a rollercoaster of emotions for me, emotions I had not felt to such a degree in so long.

I couldn't talk to anybody about what I was going through, except for Bella. She may be able to empathise. Whether she would be sympathetic or not worried me. From my recent experiences with her, I doubted that she would care the slightest. However, I wasn't sure of that. I couldn't be sure with Bella. I couldn't hear her thoughts.

The tree next to me buckled and creaked, and I realised I had slammed my fist against its bark in frustration. I pulled my hand away hastily, leaving a large dent in the thick trunk and continued on.

I didn't run as fast as I could have; it was more of a jog. Though, to humans, it would have still been impossibly fast. I estimated I would reach Washington State in an hour. I could cut that down to twenty minutes if I really exerted myself.

The trees sweeping past me meant nothing. All that mattered was my predicament, what I was about to do. I would give Bella a decision to make. Friends or nothing. I would not pressure her into something more just yet. I would apply my 'charm' gradually, I would sweep her off of her feet. But in the meantime, I was content with just being her friend, being able to smile at her and have it returned.

I wanted to see that sparkle in her eyes that she used to get around me. I wanted it more than ever.


	17. Chapter 16

**Chapter 16.**

**Bella.**

You could say that I shut down after seeing Edward. I did all of the right things. I did them perfectly, almost so perfectly that it hurt. My assignments were dubbed with respectable A+ grades and my social status had risen since everyone realised that I was friends with Jasper Hale and Emmett Cullen. Even Jessica was less hostile towards me.

Actually, she was almost likeable.

I went to parties, drank my beer like a good college student, flirted with cute guys and even danced on the rare occasion. Everything was fine, right?

It should have been, yet I found myself being unable to answer that question honestly.

Standing in front of the steamy mirror in mine and Jessica's small bathroom, I looked at myself. I _really_ looked at myself. Not at the physical aspects of myself, but the emotional signs my face gave away.

My eyes were the worst. To someone who hadn't known me very long, I would look normal. Maybe even attractive. But those who had known me for a while, they would see my eyes and instantly know that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I often was grateful that nobody here knew me that well.

Underneath the blank and troubled eyes were heavy, red eye bags. They required a thick layer of concealer to cover up, and even then you could still catch a glimpse of them under the right lighting.

I sighed and rung my hair out with my towel. It was the only thing that hadn't changed. It stayed the same; long, wavy, silky. It was probably the only aspect about myself which I didn't loathe.

I gathered my hair into a loose knot at the base of my neck and slipped into my pyjama pants and a Washington State sweatshirt. Before retreating from the warm bathroom, I turned to my reflection and smiled.

The girl looking back at me didn't smile. She grimaced.

I needed to work on my smile more.

"You look a little worse for wear" stated Jessica from her bed. She was painting her nails with an in-your-face purple. It looked horrible and juvenile, but it wasn't my place to tell her that.

Instead, I gave her a small smile (what I hoped was a smile, and not a grimace) and moved to my own bed.

"It could just be a fever. I've been feeling weird all day" I said, ripping back my sheets and jumping into the welcoming comfort.

"Well, don't give it to me. If I don't go to the Cullen party tomorrow night, my social life will be ruined."

"You say it like that would be the end of the world" I said through hollow chuckles.

"I have no doubt that it would be."

I shrugged in reply and lay my head down on the fluffy feather pillow beneath me. Instant relaxation.

"Are you going to come?"

Jasper Hale, Emmett Cullen, Rosalie Hale. They would all be there. And no doubt Alice would, too. I wasn't sure if I was ready to see her again.

Since Edward, I had stayed away from the vampires as much as I could. But the word still got around that I was in with the Cullens.

Even though I had not spoken a word to any of them in days, rumours were flying.

'_I heard Jasper kissed her, and now they're having an affair.'_

'_I heard they're distant cousins. It's obvious. They have the same skin colour.'_

'_Apparently Emmett Cullen has the hots for Bella Swan. I'd watch out if I were her, that Rosalie will rip her a new face. Did you see what she did to Jessica Stanley?'_

And that's what happened when you lived in a place with hundreds of other young adults. Gossip was inevitable, and I didn't really care what people said. Somebody had to be spoken about.

"I don't know" I said, trying to sound casual. A lump rose in my throat as soon as I finished speaking. I would not think about vampires. It scared me. If I did think about them, I would have the nightmares again.

The nightmares I had were about creatures. They were vampires, but not attractive like the Cullens. They were hairless and gaunt, so pale that they were almost translucent. They had razor sharp fangs and huge claws. They chased me. Over and over, until one finally caught up with me.

Then I would scream and wake up.

"You have to come!" she shouted. I almost reflexively pressed my hands over my ears, but reconsidered in fear of being rude.

"I don't see why. I've been to every other party..."

"Please! Bella, I can't go alone with Rosalie there."

I sighed, knowing that she spoke the truth. I had never spoken to Rosalie, but we had a sort of mutual understanding. She knew what I was going through and she felt sorry for me. She wouldn't dare start anything in my presence, and I would do nothing to harm her in return.

I knew her most dangerous secret, after all.

"Okay. But I really don't want to."

"Thanks, Bella! You are such a good friend."

_Only when I do what you want, _I thought bitterly.

"Goodnight!"

I mumbled a slurred reply and turned in my bed to face the wall. I fell asleep soon after, but not for long.

The vampires chased me again. This time they had a familiar face on their terrifying bodies. All the same. Edward.

He was chasing me, taunting me, exposing his long fangs to frighten me. It worked. I woke up thrashing about with tears streaked down my face. I stopped moving to see if I had woken Jessica.

I hadn't.

She could sleep through the third World War.

I got up gingerly from my bed and wiped my sweaty hands on my knees. The sweat was strangely cold and I didn't like the feeling of it one bit.

I decided I needed another shower.

Tip-toeing to the bathroom, I turned on the faucets quietly and had a quick shower. I washed the back of my neck and face thoroughly, for they had been covered in the eerie cold sweat.

The lights were off, but I knew my way around the small room well. I turned off the shower and opened the glass doors quietly, placing one foot on the damp shower mat.

Then I slipped.

I whacked my head painfully on the floor of the shower and yelped out in pain. I felt blood flow from the back of my head and I started to wail.

The smell was so intense and disgusting that bile rose in my throat. I was going to vomit.

With effort, I turned my head and was sick all over the shower floor. It covered up the smell of the blood, but it was still a disgusting scent. I started shaking where I lay, aware that Jessica could not be woken up easily. And if I did wake her up, how would she react to finding me naked on the bathroom floor at the middle of the night, surrounded by blood and vomit?

Probably not well.

I would have to get through this alone.

I shifted my feet slightly and tried to get a hold of something sturdy with my hands. There was nothing but glass.

"Fuck" I muttered.

A whooshing noise spread through the room and I started. The bathroom door closed softly. I hadn't heard it open.

"Jess?" I asked quietly.

"No, not Jess."

The voice instantly drew upon the anger that had been stewing inside of me. Edward.

The lights flicked on and sure enough, there he was, standing by the door, looking down at me and my exposed body with a stunned look on his beautiful face.

"_Don't look at me!_" I spat. I was naked and bleeding with a vampire in the room whom had once before tried to kill me. This couldn't be happening.

"Shit. Let me help you" he said stiffly, bending down so his face was level with mine. I could swear that I saw his eyes dart to my body for the quickest moment, but they were back to my face so fast that I couldn't tell if I was imagining it or not. I glared at him as he put his cool arms around my bare waist and lifted me carefully to my feet.

When he had me steady, he handed me a towel from the towel rack behind him and wrapped it around me. Feeling less embarrassed, but still very much self aware, I glared again.

"What are you doing in _my bathroom?_"

"Your head is bleeding. Let's get that fixed up first."

"Don't you touch me again!" I snapped, pulling away from his reaching hand. He held a washcloth out to me. I took it begrudgingly and started to dab at the back of my head.

I hissed at the pain.

"You'll need some aspirin" he said, reaching over to sort through the medicine cabinet.

"You don't have any in here. Wait a minute."

He left the bathroom. I continued to dab gingerly at the cut in my head.

I wasn't bleeding much, but the thought of the clotted blood in my hair and stuck to the back of my skull, made me vomit. Again.

This time I reached the toilet.

Edward came back in just as I flushed the sick away.

"Blood still makes you nauseous" he smirked. He had no right to find it funny.

"Shut up" I grumbled, too tired to form a proper retaliation. He said nothing else, but handed me two white pills and a glass of water.

"How do I know you haven't done anything to them?" I asked warily, glancing at the two pills resting in my palm. He sniggered.

"Bella, I am a vampire, not a serial killer."

"I could argue with that" I mumbled, popping the two pills into my mouth and swallowing them with the water he had given me.

He sighed, "I'm not that bad a person. You are the only one who seems to think so."

"Edward, I have every right to think that."

"I know you do. And I wish I had never given you reason to."

"That doesn't change anything. I'm still mad."

"Of course you are. Let's get you patched up."

"I will do that myself, you just leave" I said curtly, crossing my arms immaturely.

"I'm not going anywhere until I know that you're not concussed, and until I explain myself."

"I think you've explained enough."

He handed me a rolled up bandage and a safety pin. I stared at them and wondered how in Hell I was going to wrap my head up without hurting myself more.

Edward held out his hand and smirked again. I shoved the bandage and pin back into his hand and pursed my lips. I hated feeling so dependant, especially on Edward. If it had been anywhere else bleeding, I could have easily fixed myself up and gone back to bed. But since I had to be one of the most unlucky girls in the whole of Washington, I needed Edward's help.

"You don't need to look so unhappy" he said, holding one end of the bandage to my forehead. His hand was so cold. I shivered and he dropped the bandage.

"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?"

"N-no. Your hand is just cold."

"Sorry."

"You say that too much" I grumbled, picking up the bandage and handing it to him.

"I have a lot of reasons to be saying it."

"You sure do. That doesn't make anything better, though."

"I know" he sighed and pinned up the bandage around my head neatly. It didn't feel any better, but at least the cut was no longer exposed to the surrounding air...and vampires.

"Done."

"Thanks" I said, wishing I didn't have to.

In all of the commotion of my injury and anger, I had forgotten to ask why the hell Edward was in my bathroom so late at night.

"Woah, wait. What are you doing here?" I asked, narrowing my eyes at him.

"Oh" he said quietly, busying himself with clearing up with floor. I put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around.

The realisation hit me fast; I was touching a vampire.

When I pulled my hand away quickly, Edward frowned. I didn't want to be afraid of him, but I was. I would have been perfectly content with just anger and hate, but not fear.

This meant he had something over me. And I did not like that one bit.

"I came to see you. I guess I didn't take into account how late it was..."

"I thought I told you to leave me alone" I growled.

"You did. But I just wanted to..."

"You're making things worse."

"I'm trying to fix things."

"Edward! Things are not going to mend, ever!"

"I'm not going to give up this time. You have to know that."

"Maybe I want you to give up."

"I won't. Ever" Edward said, leaning towards me. I pulled away from him, too scared of what he might do.

"But for now, I want to get to know you again. You're so different. I wonder what you're into these days; the same music? The same books?"

"I am not going to be your chum."

"Chum isn't the right word" he said with a small smile, "Maybe old friends, re-united?"

"No."

"Why not? I'm not looking for a relationship" he said defensively. And I couldn't believe him. Not after everything he had said to me. He confessed his love for me. He had been pressuring me. I knew that soon enough he would make a move, and I would fall for him again.

And I wasn't going to sit by and let him do that to me.

"Just give me a chance, Bella. I'll prove you wrong. I can be just your friend. I don't have to be involved with you."

"I don't trust you" I said warily. Sure, if he really did mean what he was saying, and he did only want to be friends, that was fine. But there was still the small fact that he was a vampire, one that was drawn to my blood.

That would cause complications.

"But I trust myself, and that means a lot after everything I have done in my life."

His argument was well-prepared and very logical. I was starting to see reason in his proposition. If he trusted himself around me, why shouldn't I? After all, Edward had never trusted himself. He had never shown confidence in his own judgement. So for him to admit that he trust himself, that somewhat sealed the deal in my eyes.

With a very even voice, I accepted his proposition.

"Alright. We'll start with coffee tomorrow" I said to him. He grinned at me and leaned forward, as though to hug me. I winced.

"You just have some..." he paused mid-sentence and looked at the finger he had just pushed my hair away with. My eyes followed his down to the red spot of blood on the tip of his long, white index finger.

My blood.

I could hear a low growling in his chest, and I instinctively moved away from him.

"Don't move" he said through his mouth, which was clamped so tightly shut that I was surprised his teeth weren't biting through.

"Don't even breathe."

I stayed with my back against the shower door until he wiped his finger on my towel and opened his mouth, breathing out a relieved sigh.

"I apologise for that."

I was too shocked for words. I was shaking again, a lot like the last time he made me fear for my life.

"Bella. I'm not going to hurt you."

"I don't trust you. Get out."

"But you just said..."

"I changed my mind. I _hate_ coffee" I snarled. His face turned soft and showed every sign of hurt.

"I won't stop my attempts."

"You can try for the rest of your life."

"I plan to."

"Get out" I said with all of the conviction I had. He gave me a sad look and walked out of the bathroom, making no noise at all.

**Edward.**

I gave Bella one of my greatest efforts. I helped her, I was kind to her, I didn't push her. I even didn't kill her, when her blood was seeping from her skull. I kept my composure.

Until I touched it. Warm, textured and smelling of food. My food.

I didn't hurt her; the thought hadn't even crossed my mind, though I had to take a moment to calm myself, as I was in shock.

She took that the wrong way, and sent me out with a murderous look in her eyes.

What had struck me the most, more than the blood on my finger and more than they way Bella looked at me, was how I first found her, lying on the floor, surrounded by blood and vomit. I'd instantly had flashes of when I first found my mother. Dead. I couldn't help but let that get to me. I couldn't help but allow the images of my dead mother to swarm my mind. I kicked a tree in the forest surrounding the college courtyard as I thought of her. I had to leave. It hurt to be around Bella, in a place that reminded me of her.

I ran straight back home, never stopping. I let the cold wind numb my mind as I pushed through the thick forest.

**

As I sat in my room, leaning over my guitar, it was all too much. Everything that had happened. Running had dealt me some relief, but the images of my mother and Bella always came back.

I growled, throwing the guitar across the room. It shattered into thousands of tiny splinters before my very eyes. I watched it happening as though it were my heart. That's what it felt like.

I didn't even care that I had broken the last remaining piece of my humanity. I didn't care about much anymore. I knew that I may have been over exaggerating, but I didn't know how to stop thinking about what I almost had with Bella, and how I ruined it all.

_What was that noise?_

_Sounded like wood._

_It came from Edward's room._

_Oh, he's broken his guitar. I didn't see that happening._

_Bella must have said no. Maybe that's a good thing._

"Shut up!" I roared, jolting upright from my place on my sofa, and clenching my fists together so tightly that it almost hurt. Almost.

Carlisle was in my room within seconds of my outburst.

"Edward?" he asked, looking at me with worried eyes. I couldn't look back at him, so I looked at the wall behind him instead. Covered in sheet music. I saw the oldest sheet, worn and faded. It was the song I wrote for Bella. The one she had sung to, all that time ago. It was hard to believe it was only two years. It felt like a millennia since I heard her sweet voice, singing in French to perfect tune of my song.

_I am worried for you._

"I don't need worry" I said flatly. And that was true. One hundred percent. I didn't need to hear the concerned thoughts of my family. It just made everything worse. It made everything seem more real.

"That's what you're going to get. You're part of our family, Edward, whether you want that or not. You will always be. Always."

With that, Carlisle left the room. I could tell he was pretty pissed off, and he had every right to be. I was being stubborn; I was moping around, wallowing in my own self pity. Like I always did.

I didn't know what to do with myself after that, so I got up and started to walk. Not run, walk. It felt incredibly slow, but it was comforting. For once, everything moved at a steady pace. Nothing was spinning, rushing, speeding forward. Everything just was. I walked past familiar trees and along a narrow stream, listening to the sounds of water rushing, birds twittering and grass rustling under my feet.

I wouldn't have thought that walking could offer more of a relief than running, but it did. It didn't make sense to me, how I could find myself so relaxed while moving so slowly. I'd always found that relaxation when pumping my legs as fast and as hard as I could, dodging trees and other obstacles.

I found myself at peace.

And then I saw her again.

"Edward Cullen" smiled Rachel, bowing her head to me respectively. I stopped in my path and saw her standing up ahead, at least two hundred meters away. I couldn't hear any other minds around, so I was certain she was alone.

There was something different about her, something darker than I had noticed the last time we spoke. Even from this far away, I could feel the darkness within her. She'd changed. Something happened.

"You have the smell of human upon you" she said, running for me. She stopped at a safe distance, her eyes trailing over my face.

"You look distraught."

I cleared my throat and stood up straighter, "I'm fine."

"You said you would hunt with us" she accused.

"Us? Is James here?" I asked, not being able to hide the anxiety in my voice.

"He is near-by. Hunting."

"I think I would prefer it if..."

"...We didn't hunt in your area? Don't worry; we just stopped by for a quick snack."

I looked around nervously, knowing very well that James would appear by Rachel's side soon, and I was not up for more anxiety than I was already feeling.

"It was nice to see you again, Rachel, but I have to go."

"So soon?" she asked sadly, cocking her head to the right, "Okay, we'll be in touch with you. James and I are always here, Edward Cullen."

_That's what I was afraid of_, I thought to myself, turning back towards my home, giving a small nod in Rachel's direction.

As I walked back, I was unable to shake the feeling that I had forgotten something, that I was missing out on something important. Some piece of crucial information that would help me sort out my inability to read both Bella and Rachel's minds.

When I arrived back in my bedroom, seeing my smashed guitar, my torn up music sheets; I sat down and sighed. The small trip in the forest had been a nice escape, but it was not enough to keep my pathetic self-pity and anger away for long.

**A/N**: The Edward POV is considerably shorter than Bella's because I just wanted to include a short insight into how he was feeling. The Rachel scene is crucial to the next few chapters.

Reviews make me smile. Thank you for your support 3

And thanks to Laura for the help with the bathroom scene. It was turning into a massive angst session, and she helped to lighten it up, while still maintaining the right amount of angst. You are my life now, Laura.

A playlist should be up in the next day. My internet is incredibly capped right now. Eck. And I'm working on uploading those outtakes of Newborn Edward. They're not much, but they might interest some of you readers.


	18. Chapter 17

**A/N**: I couldn't be more sorry for leaving it so long to update, really. I've just been hounded with uni work, plus my job has been very demanding. I hope you guys enjoy this chapter. It's not been one of my favourites to write, but I did my very best. Special thanks to Leah, who has finally gotten around to proofing this chapter, and although she has been in hospital and everything, she still managed to do a pretty good job.

**Chapter 17.**

**Bella.**

After the previous night's events, I was not in the best mood the next morning. Jessica noticed this, and spent the whole morning hounding me for answers.

"How did you get that bandage, again?"

"It was in the medicine cabinet."

"How did you manage to put it on yourself?"

"I've had a lot of practice."

"But how – "

"Jessica! Please, I'm trying to read" I snapped, flipping a page of Our Mutual Friend, pretending to focus on the words of Dickens.

"Bella" said Jessica in her pay-attention-to-me-or-else voice. I lifted my head up and saw her standing over me, hand on hips, lips pursed, eyes narrowed.

"What?" I asked with a sigh. What more did she want from me? I had told her everything she asked. I answered every prying question. And she was _still_ persisting.

"Something's different about you."

"I'm in a bad mood" I reasoned, shrugging her off as she sat next to me on my bed.

_Why did I befriend her? It was better hating her, _I whinged to myself.

"It's more than that. Did something happen?"

"What could have possibly happened? I hit my head, I have a headache, and you're distracting me from my work. That's all."

"Fine. But don't say I didn't bother asking" she shot at me, standing up sharply and snatching her purse from her bedside table, "I'm going out. See you at the party tonight. I probably won't be back in time to help you get ready."

And with that, she left the room in such a manner I thought she might turn around and punch me as a last minute decision.

I didn't let the argument with Jessica bother me. I couldn't have, anyway. All I could think about was Edward. He helped me last night, and despite him almost turning 'vampire' on me, he showed that he could control himself around me. He didn't pressure me. He acted like a friend.

I hated myself for finding it so hard to hold a grudge against him. I had to constantly remind myself that he was the one who left me, almost killed me, and ruined my life.

I hated how I was so weak-minded, how I couldn't make up my mind. One minute I would hate him, and the next I would be remembering what it was like to taste him, hold him, hear his laugh.

I grunted aloud and tossed my book across my bed. It landed neatly on my pillow, right next to the box of tissues. I'd needed them last night, after Edward left. I didn't want to throw him out. But I did. I kept pushing him away, because I had to. I couldn't let him back in, as much as my heart now yearned to.

It was eleven am, and I had at least seven or eight hours until I had to prepare for the Cullen's party tonight. The college swim team had won some competition, and Emmett had offered to throw a party in honour of their work. Of course he would. He was a jock.

The party was to be held along the borders of the forest, near a small creek. Everybody was talking about a bonfire, but I couldn't see how the college would permit a bonfire right next to the treasured forest that gave Washington State its uniqueness.

I, of course, still did not want to go; partly because it would mean seeing vampires again, and partly because my head was still throbbing. I knew for certain that I would not be drinking any alcoholic substance, no matter how appealing it looked. I couldn't afford to be stumbling around with an already cracked-up skull.

Standing up from my bed, I grabbed my shoulder bag and a few pens. I had my Creative Writing class. My least favourite of them all. I was not creative, nor was I interested in writing. Just reading. But you were pushing to find a course on Literature that did not require some type of writing class or something involving creativity. So, I dealt with it. I wrote dreary, un-structured pieces of prose when told to without complaint. The professor would give me apprehensive looks once finished reading my work, and mark it with that red pen I hated. Always a D.

I walked quickly to class, where I sat for three hours, only half aware of what I was writing.

"Miss Swan" announced the professor. I looked up to him, seeing his glasses perched on the bridge of his nose, his lips turned up into a sneer. I detested him.

"Yes, professor?"

He held out a wrinkled hand to indicate that class was over, and the stories we were working on were to be handed up. I sighed, knowing that the red pen sitting in his shirt pocket would be getting a workout soon.

"You may leave. The results will be posted up tomorrow morning" he said rudely, turning his back on me and walking back to his desk. I shot him a dirty glare from behind his back, and basically ran out of the classroom, eager to get some food.

"Creative Writing, huh?" asked Jasper, who had appeared by my side while walking to the food court.

"My favourite class" I said flatly. He laughed.

"You're not avoiding me anymore?" he asked, sounding both surprised and pleased.

"I don't see the point. _You're_ not the one trying to kill me."

"It's not easy for any of us, you know" Jasper said darkly, his eyes following a group of young girls. I contemplated his words, watching his eyes turn a darker shade of topaz, before responding.

"But...Edward...just doesn't handle it well enough?" I asked.

"I don't think you understand what we have been trying to tell you, Bella" Jasper said, ripping his eyes away from the unsuspecting girls. He waited for me to grab a tray of salad, and followed me to a small two-person table by the far window.

I sat down and popped a piece of carrot into my mouth, nodding at him to continue.

"There's myths. Well, they're not exactly myths. They're just very rare occurrences."

"Of what?" I asked, stabbing a piece of lettuce with my fork.

"Most humans smell the same to us. But occasionally, there's one that smells like nothing we have ever smelled before. These humans are called our _singers_. It's an old word used by some of the most ancient vampire clans. There have only been a few singers documented in vampire history. But...it seems Edward has found his singer in you."

I almost choked on my lettuce, "M-me?"

"You don't smell like ordinary human to him. You smell like food. Imagine being in a field of dirt, and suddenly the most beautiful, fragrant flower emerges. He's instantly drawn to you."

"And," I started, stabbing another piece of lettuce, "What happened to these 'singers' in the documents?"

Jasper took a long time to respond, watching me eat my food with a curious look on his face, "They were killed."

I gulped as Jasper watched me carefully, as though I could run away at any given moment.

"Will that happen to me?"

"I don't believe so. These singers; they were just random humans to the vampires involved. And the vampires were accustomed to...feeding off humans. They had no problems with killing their singers."

"But..."

"But with Edward," Jasper continued, "The situation is completely different. He knows you, he can't hurt you. He doesn't kill humans. He has a great deal of self control. He only lost it once."

"That's true" I agreed, finishing off the stray pieces of lettuce and tomato on my plate, "But I still don't think I can trust him."

"That's a problem we both have to deal with."

"I keep forgetting that..."

"That you're the only one who has a reason to distrust Edward?" Jasper finished my sentence, smiling at me, "Yes, it's hard to imagine he has hurt so many people with just one small lapse of self control. Imagine how he feels."

"I can't imagine that. It will only hurt more."

"But to not consider his feelings in all of this, that's not exactly fair. And maybe if you did consider his feelings, you might discover a way to forgive him completely."

"He almost hurt me again" I said, staring out of the window at the people playing hack. They looked so care-free, with nothing to worry about apart from missing the sack. They didn't know about this new world of vampires. I envied them.

"How?"

"I was bleeding, and he fixed me up...but he froze at one point. It scared the Hell out of me" I explained.

"It would. But did he lunge at you, growl, hiss, hurt you?"

"No."

"Then he did nothing wrong. He didn't come close to hurting you. If anything, he froze to stop himself. He was exerting his self control. He was trying."

"I didn't think of it that way."

"No offense Bella, but you're very determined to see the worst in him. I have no doubt that you're missing a lot of good things in him, because you refuse to see them."

"It's just hard..."

"I know it is. Trust me."

I looked at Jasper, all collected and calm. I wanted to be like him, to be able to handle my emotions and think logically. It would save me a lot of hurt and trouble if I had a clear head and control over myself.

"Thank you, Jasper" I said sincerely as the bell rang through the food court. He stood up immediately, stepping around the table to hold out my chair for me as I got up. I laughed.

"What?" he asked, looking confused and almost hurt at my laughter.

"You're so different" I observed. He chuckled, his face relaxing.

"I'm over one hundred years old, Bella. Of course I'm different."

My stomach spun around, causing me to feel sick suddenly, "One...hundred...years...old..."

"Vampires are immortal..." he said, as if it were obvious. The thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I don't know what I thought, what I had concluded about the life span of a vampire. I was too wrapped up by my Edward situation that I neglected the more important issues. Vampires were real, and they weren't dying any time soon.

"Sorry, I just...I just didn't even think."

"You've had a lot to deal with. It's understandable."

"There you go again, being so logical" I joked. Jasper watched me without smiling.

"Logical?"

"You're always so wise, so put together. It makes me jealous."

"After one hundred-or-so years or reading people's emotions, being able to control them, I have learned to control mine. Or I like to think so."

"Y-you can do that?"

"We all have our powers" he smirked, patting me on the shoulder and heading off to his next class. I disposed of my plate and hurried off to my room to gather my thoughts. I needed silence, time to think on my own. I was way in over my head. It hurt to even think about what had just happened with Jasper.

I eventually got to my room, and I threw myself down on my bed as soon as I kicked my shoes off. I buried my face in my feathery pillow and cried.

Everything that Jasper had said – he was right. I had refused to see the kinder side to Edward. All I'd done was make him seem like some sort of monster in my head, when really, he was trying to his best abilities to keep me safe. He saved me, cared for me. And I could barely thank him for it, because I was too consumed by the two mistakes he had made.

I sat up and wiped my eyes. It was three in the afternoon, leaving me four hours to sleep. After barely getting any the night before, I pushed the box of tissues and copy of Our Mutual Friend aside and fell asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow again.

**

I woke up with a jolt when the door to my room slammed shut. I got up quickly, rubbing my eyes in attempt to clear my vision.

"Don't worry, it's only me. I'm here to help you get ready, after all. You'll need it."

My shoulders sagged at Jessica's voice. She still sounded pissed off.

"I'm sorry about this morning" I said, pushing myself up from my bed slowly. I wasn't sure why I was apologising. I didn't even know if I had anything to be sorry for. Whatever it was, I decided I valued my friendship with Jessica more than some stupid bandage. And for some reason, I found that amusing.

I gave a small, barely audible chuckle as Jessica led me to her vanity table. I remember the days when I used to hate her, and now I could barely remember why. Sure, she was rude and selfish, but we all were. If I were to judge her, I would have to judge myself. And I was guilty of being a lot of bad things, too.

It might have been the revelation I had about Edward or the conversation with Jasper. It might have been a lot of things that put me in such a good mood that night. I let Jessica do whatever she wanted with my hair and makeup.

I smiled and bopped my head along to the music she had turned up loud. She smiled at me in the reflection of the mirror, looking like I could do her no greater favour than let her give me a much-needed makeover.

I noticed that, unlike before, there was something new inside of me rather than hurt, anger and hate. There was joy. And there was logic. I loved Edward, I had been in denial. It was easy to see now, with a clear mind and a clean conscience that I still loved him, vampire or not.

_I love Edward Cullen. I love Edward Cullen. I love Edward Cullen._

I wanted him, but I was still not sure how to go about it. Admitting to myself that I loved him was the hardest thing I'd had to do in over two years. Saying that I loved him aloud was a whole new step that I just wasn't ready to take. I knew, though, that I would be ready soon enough. And when I was, I would finally feel free. I would have done something right for a change. I would give him another chance, and that didn't bother me at all. I had spent too long hating him and not trying to understand why he left me, why he almost killed me. I had been too angry to give him the benefit of the doubt. But now I would.

I owed my new revelation to Jasper. He cleared things up for me, without even having to exert himself. He was a true friend, and I would not deny him what I promised. That I would try to see things Edward's way. I would try. For Jasper, for Edward and for myself.

"Done!" squealed Jessica from behind me. I looked up from my lap and saw myself for what felt like the first time in my life. I was beautiful, and I didn't feel strange accepting that. There was something else in my eyes, instead of just blankness. They almost glistened in the light. I was a new Bella; in love with a new Edward.

The next hour was spent choosing both mine and Jessica's outfits. She opted for a hot pink mini skirt, a silver tube top and a long, dark blue denim jacket. I had to admit, she looked like a Barbie doll, but still amazing.

"You look gorgeous, Jess" I said, watching her twirl around the room giggling.

"I know, right?" she asked, adjusting her boobs so they almost popped out of her top. I shook my head at her, laughing along with her.

This was how college was supposed to be.

"I have something for you to wear" she said suddenly, dashing to her drawers. I opened my mouth to refuse, knowing her fashion sense all-too-well, but she surprised me by pulling out a knee-length, silky black dress. I loved it instantly. It was simple, but beautiful.

"It will suit you perfectly" she gushed, holding it to my body, "Go, try it on!"

"I couldn't, it's yours. I wouldn't want to ruin it" I protested.

"Please, when am I going to wear it? I don't like black."

"Why do you have it?"

"I thought I would wear it at the time..." she said with a laugh, pushing me into the bathroom to change. I smirked at her as she closed the door and quickly pulled my clothes off, slipping into Jessica's dress. It hugged my body, making it look like I actually had curves. I looked at it in the mirror and a smile appeared on my face. Jessica had been right. It suited me.

"You done?" called Jessica, sounded so excited I was scared she might have an accident.

"Yep!" I answered, stepping through the bathroom door. Jessica gasped upon seeing me, and I gave a small twirl for her. She started clapping and ran straight to me, grabbing my wrists and pulling me back to her vanity.

"One last thing!"

I watched her rummage through the top draw of her vanity, obviously searching for something. She squeaked when she found a small, yet beautiful pair of diamond earrings.

"I can't wear them" I said instantly as she turned around to face me.

"Why not? They're not real, idiot."

I laughed and let her exchange the earrings for my old black studs. When she was done, she fluffed up my hair a little more and stood back to examine her work – me.

"Gorgeous, Bella."

"Thank you" I said, not being able to hide my happiness. I looked very dressy, so Jessica agreed to let me wear my Converse shoes and a leather jacket to tone it down. The end product was good. I kind of looked like I belong in a magazine. Jessica agreed.

"Let's go!" she shouted, nearly running out of the room in earnest. I followed her, almost as excited as she had been. Would Edward be at this party? I wasn't sure. But the anticipation of it all elated me. I was glad to be feeling such an extreme joy after spending so long trapped by my own negativity.

By the time Jessica and I arrived behind the Cullen's dorm, the party was already in full swing. There was indeed a bonfire – and the noise of the wood splitting and groaning under the heat was comforting.

There were more people at this party. I could see some couples sneaking off into the forest and I couldn't help but feel a pang of worry. Who knew what might be lurking in the dark bushes? I did. Vampires.

"Swan!" called out Emmett, who was again standing by a large keg, "You drinking tonight?"

"No thanks, Emmett" I said kindly, walking towards him, "I learned my lesson from last time."

We fell silent at the memories of the last time we saw each other. I cleared my throat.

"Um – what I should say is thank you" I said finally as Emmett handed a cup of beer to a tall, slender girl.

"You don't need to thank me" he said, looking into my eyes seriously, "We've got your back from now on."

"Good job with the party, by the way" I said, nodding towards to massive crowd of dancing students.

"It was mostly Jasper. I just spread the word, got hold of the alcohol. You know."

"Is he here?"

"Right behind you" said Jasper. I felt his cool breath on the back of my neck and shuddered. Both of the vampire brothers laughed.

"See you then, Emmett."

"Catch you later, Swan."

Jasper grabbed my hand and dragged me to the edge of the bonfire. We watched it in silence for a while. That was what I had realised about Jasper. We connected well, and didn't need to always be talking. Silence with him wasn't awkward. It was nice.

"Alice should be here soon" he said, warming his hands near the flames. I leaned on the barrier surrounding the bonfire and watched him, amused.

"What?" he asked, noticing my expression.

"You're warming your hands. It's a very human thing to do."

"It feels nice" he admitted, rubbing his hands together, "The heat. You don't know how lucky you are."

I smiled at this, and turned around so my back was against the barrier. I watched Jessica dance with a guy I knew as Eric Yorkie. He was a complete dork, but strangely, a lot of girls fell for that. He always had new girlfriends. He wore them like accessories. The two laughed and swung their hips in unison, it was almost captivating to watch.

"Is Edward coming?" I asked finally. The question had been bugging me for a while, "With Alice?"

"I don't think so. He's...got a lot on his mind. Or so he says."

"Do you think it's because of me?" I asked, feeling guilty already. Jasper turned around, shoving his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

"I'm not going to lie to you. It's probably because of you."

"Oh" I said slowly, thinking about all the things I had left unsaid with Edward. I wanted him to know how I felt, not only to make myself feel better, but him as well.

"Is there some way to get him here?"

"I think you should leave it for another night. Right now he needs to sort himself out, I think."

I shrugged, feeling disappointed that I would not be seeing Edward tonight. But nonetheless, I enjoyed myself as best I could. When Alice arrived, she dragged me off to dance with the other students. She stood out of course, with excellent grace and timing. I felt like a flailing fish next to her.

"You look amazing!" she said, pulling me back to Jasper and Emmett, who were both sitting by the bonfire now. Emmett had abandoned his keg duties and was stretching out on the ground like a cat. I watched him with a smile.

"Where's Rosalie?" I asked, wondering if it was safe to even look at Emmett with her around.

"She's off hunting tonight. We take it in turns."

"Is that safe, you know, with so many humans around?" I asked, not thinking of how it could offend. After realising what I had blurted out, I felt my cheeks grow hot and I mumbled, "Sorry."

Jasper and Emmett laughed. Alice smiled at me warmly, "There's no need to be sorry, Bella" she giggled, "We hunt far away. It's very secluded and safe. I promise you."

I started to relax more around the vampires, and I was hoping that I could do the same with Edward. While I was not their 'singer', I still knew that it was hard for them to be around me. If I could throw that aside with Edward like I had with his siblings, it would make everything a lot easier.

"I need some water" I said to the Cullens after a long conversation about classes. Alice nodded and they continued to chatter while I walked past dancing bodies to the water cooler.

Something moved ahead of me and I looked up, squinting. There was a woman standing behind the trees, watching my every move. I stopped pouring water into my cup and froze. It couldn't be who it looked like. She was gone. She left.

She wasn't here. I was imagining things.

I glanced over at the Cullens, who were further away from me than I thought. Suddenly I felt scared. The familiar woman was closer to me now, almost directly in front of me, watching me with excitement. Her eyes glowed red in the moonlight. Her skin shone ivory. She held a hand out to me. Her hair, the same tone as mine, whipped around in the light breeze.

I gave one more glance in the Cullen's direction. Alice was gripping the barrier surrounding the bonfire tightly, and Jasper was looking back at me with wide eyes. We all knew what was coming. Even Emmett looked paler than usual. There was no way for them to stop what was going to happen without exposing themselves to over one hundred students. They couldn't stop her from taking me.

I knew who it was. It took only one look at her to know. After years living absent of her face, everything came back as one, painful blow.

It was Renee. She had finally come back for me. But she was different to the woman I vaguely remembered. She was glorious. She was fiery. She was a vampire.

It was Edward all over again.


	19. Chapter 18

**Chapter 18.**

**Edward.**

Jasper and Emmett were hosting yet another college party. I was getting sick of them, frankly, and had managed to persuade Alice that I was feeling too low to attend a party especially if Bella were to be there.

Of course, that was a lie. I was feeling okay. I still held my reservations about the chances of Bella forgiving me, but I was not going to back down. What the real problem stood to be was that I could not direct my thoughts from Rachel and Bella; how I was unable to read them. It drove me near to the point of insanity.

"Last chance to come tonight" said Alice, poking her head around my bedroom door. I threw a book at her softly yet it still collided with the door violently, causing a loud bang. She pulled a face at me and left for the party.

_Can't believe he's still feeling bad. He's lying._

"Not lying, Alice" I mumbled, knowing she would be able to hear. She ignored me and I soon heard the front door slam shut behind her.

I had the house to myself, since Carlisle and Esme had gone away on a hunting trip. I knew they just wanted privacy, and I respected that. I felt the same desire for privacy every single day. We all did.

I could have made the most of having the house to myself. I could have put on the television perhaps, or maybe practiced chess. But I didn't want to. None of that appealed to me.

Instead of staying alone in Forks, I decided to make a visit to Phoenix. I knew that I needed to speak to Charlie Swan.

The thought had occurred to me that morning while I was in class. Advanced calculus was always a bore, and I had already completed the course twice. I could afford to 'day dream.' My thoughts drifted to Charlie, and how Bella had told me that my leaving also hurt him and his relationship with her. I needed to apologise to him for ruining his daughter's life.

Not only did I need to apologise, but I needed to ask him questions. Certain questions that had hounded me for days about the two years Bella had experienced in my absence. I had an undying urge to know more and more about her. I was not used to knowing so little about a person.

I had also come to the conclusion that the reminder of my human days could help me, maybe give me some more understanding or closure. I didn't know what effect it might actually have, but returning back home was worth a try. All I was certain of was that my trip to Phoenix would not necessarily be a pleasant one. There was a lot I had abandoned there. Not just people but memories, feelings, addictions.

My hands jittery with nerves, I pulled a small, leather-covered notebook from underneath my sofa and started to scribble down an explanation for my absence. Nobody would mind me leaving, but I thought it would be inconsiderate of me to leave without any notice even if Alice would be aware of my absence soon.

I signed off the small note and left it on the dining table, in clear sight of anybody who stepped into the room. I could have called, but truthfully I just needed to leave. I feared I would change my mind all too quickly and I would continue to exist never knowing what lie in Phoenix, festering away in the bottom drawer of my bedroom or bubbling in Charlie's mind.

I grabbed my car keys from the kitchen island and pulled on my coat. The material felt unusually scratchy against my skin and my hands started to shake. I was uncomfortable, I was anxious and most of all – I was scared shitless.

Tucking my cell phone and a wad of money into the front pocket of my jeans, I stepped out of the door into the night and made a beeline for my car. It was parked on the other side of the road, underneath a large tree. I took a small moment to admire my car. It was one of the few things I really loved about my new life. That, and my family.

It was a brand new silver Volvo. It had enough horse power to tow twenty elephants and more speed than I could manage. Just.

I had to admit to myself, ashamedly, that I was jealous of my car. It was so fast, so perfect. I wanted to be as fast, or faster, than its fragile metal frame. I wanted to be as elegant as my Volvo. It was so untroubled, too. Just a car. It had no concerns apart from having the right amount of gas and an oiled engine. I ran my hands along the roof of my car enviously and slipped into the driver's side, ready for the journey I was about to embark upon.

It was a few days worth of driving to Phoenix, but I didn't mind. I spent a lot of the time admiring the view. I kept my foot planted firmly down on the acceleration pedal the whole way, not once encountering police or other obstacles.

This unnerved me.

Usually something went wrong, but everything had been fine. There were barely any other cars, and when there were, they paid no attention to me. Only once did I have to make a stop to replenish my car with gas, and it was during dark hours.

I didn't get luck like this, and I took it as a bad omen; a sign that something terrible was on its way.

But I did not let the surely impending doom bother me as I sped along the lengthy roads, eyeing the shrubbery that was now diminishing to nothing but the occasional cacti and bare tree. It was summer, and summer in Phoenix left nothing unharmed. It claimed the ugly trees, the thick grasses and even some of the townsfolk. I remembered vaguely watching the news one year only to hear that the death toll had risen to eight people. Those eight people, I had found out later on, had died of heat exhaustion.

Phoenix definitely displayed no mercy.

When the familiar shops and houses passed me in the dark, I edged my foot gently off of the accelerator. I had to take a moment to gather myself before venturing. I was near my home. I could nearly smell the misery and loss it represented.

Just as I had calmed myself, I noticed two stumbling figures on the sidewalk. It only took a small moment of thought until I was able to recall who they were.

The two people whom I least wanted to see, let alone remember, ever again. One was Samantha Golsin – who had been determined to make both mine and Bella's lives hell. The other, a great burly figure, I recognised as the oaf who had harassed Bella when I had first met her. It was strange how I remembered everything so clearly after so long of nothingness.

The two staggered up to my car and began knocking obnoxiously on the driver's window. I had contemplated just driving off and forgetting I had ever seen them, but something took hold of me. I wasn't exactly out of control; I never lost my grasp on who I was. It was something beyond vampiric instincts that drove me to unwind my window.

It was pure hate. It was lust for revenge.

Samantha looked even uglier now that I could see her with my heightened senses. I could see nearly every makeup filled pore, every dirt speck in her ratty hair. The idea that I once thought she was attractive sickened me.

"E-Edward Masen?" she slurred, leaning into my car to get a better look at me. I was surprised she remembered who I was, and that she was capable of producing words after drinking so much. I could smell the spirits on her breath.

I merely looked at her while she withdrew from my car and tugged Oaf on the shoulder, whispering in his ear about me.

_Holy shit. Edward Masen? I'll bash the fucker. He's the little shit who broke my fucking nose that year._

I allowed myself a small smirk at the memory that had come flooding back. It had felt so nice to feel the impact of his nose against my fist - over and over and over again.

"You'll wish you never came back to this fucking town" Oaf spat at me suddenly, seemingly trying to intimidate me.

I threw my head back and laughed hoarsely, "Show me how you're going to make that happen" I teased, leaning my head out of the undone window to give him a clear shot.

With drearily slow human speed, he pulled his fist back and brought it forward feebly to meet my own nose. I heard a crunch and a groan. The sound was brilliant, and drew a smile upon my face as I laughed softly at his pain.

He had broken his knuckles on my skin.

Oaf was now lying on the ground, sobbing into his hands. I could smell the metallic scent of blood in the air, but it was not appealing to me. There was something bitter to it.

"What the fuck?!" screamed Samantha, who was wobbling where she stood. I turned my head up, flashing her the most devilish smile I could. She grabbed Oaf, dragging him away from me in tears, her thoughts a mess of confusion and horror.

I chuckled to myself and continued down the road to my house, watching them struggle in the reflection of my rear-view mirror.

I already felt a great deal better than I had just moments ago.

**

It was only a few more minutes of speeding until my eyes met the familiar rotting shackles and overgrown garden. My stomach lurched at the sight, and I gripped my steering wheel so tightly I started to feel my fingers carve indentations. Hastily, I pulled my hands off of the wheel and turned my car off. I didn't move after that.

There was something heavy on my chest, it felt like death looming over me, ready to strike. But it wasn't death. It was guilt and pure fucking anguish. The years I had spent in this house had been my worst, yet also my best. It housed my drinking problem, my mother's depression. However it had also housed Bella.

And Bella was everything.

I sighed inwardly and made my way out of the car slowly as though I was afraid that the corpse of my mother might come hurdling out of the unhinged front door towards me, spitting vomit and blood whilst screaming at me for not saving her; for not being good enough to keep her alive.

Of course, that would never happen.

I crossed the lawn, watching each individual blade of grass crumple under my weight. The grass had grown a considerable amount and was almost up to my kneecaps.

Before approaching the front door, I allowed myself a moment to prepare myself for the shock that was certain to come once I stepped into my old house. I eyed the moss-covered roof, the lead-painted window frames and the entire dull feeling of the house. It was not longer a home and it was barely a house. It was more like a tomb to me, and I had no doubt that people walking past experienced that feeling as well.

I took a very deep, unnecessary breath and stepped through the door. It was already partially ajar, and I was not surprised to find nearly all of the furniture had been stolen. I allowed myself another moment of calm before examining the room further. From the entrance I could see, in perfect view, the living room. The place of my mother's death.

Something struck me then. It was hard and fast, like a head-on collision. My knees began to shake; my breathing became more desperate and alarmed. I clawed at the wall to stop my knees from giving way but it was no use; the plaster was as malleable as dough. As I slid down to the ground numbly, my fingers ran through the plaster as if it was not even there.

My eyes never left the place where she died. Images of her pale, limp body slumped over the couch flashed through my mind and I was overcome with nausea. My whole body began to shake like it had never before, and I was instantly reminded of my human self. The shaking, the nausea, the pure feeling of weakness and hopelessness. In essence, I had not changed a fraction.

"Mother" I croaked, my voice heavy with despair. What would she think of me now? I had spent so long hating her for taking her own life, but now I finally understood why. She wanted the best for me and she knew that her presence was only hindering my life.

She wanted her death to bring me some relief after the initial grief. She wanted to die for a purpose. But I had failed her. Not only did I cause her death to be in vain, but I further hindered my own life. I let my darker emotions control me until I was nothing but a drinking machine. I had completely and utterly failed her.

Not only her, but Bella. The two people who meant something to me. I hurt them. I failed them both.

I stood up finally, my surroundings spinning slightly from the disorientation of my episode. Deciding to overcome everything, I stepped into the vicinity of the living room, where she died. I walked slowly over to where the couch had once been and knelt down, caressing the rough carpet with my two palms. It was the last connection I had to her, this house. I felt closer to my mother than I ever had at that moment, with both palms running softly over the spot of carpet she had once laid, smelling the lingering scent of alcohol and death. No human would be able to smell it, of course, and I wondered if I may have just been hallucinating.

Either way, I could smell her. I could smell everything that had happened in the house. Inhaling deeply, I let my eyelids droop and I let my nose completely take control. I rose from the floor, following the different scents throughout the house. I walked into the kitchen, sniffing the air that was thick with cleaning products and something familiar.

And when I moved past the staircase, I knew what the smell was.

Bella.

I sucked in air sharply, tearing open my eyes and almost expecting to see her standing in front of me with her thick, curly hair, plump lips and tiny frame. I near smiled at the mental image. What I would've given to have her back with me then, as if nothing had ever gone wrong.

I peered up the staircase and knew what I had to do. I hadn't planned on seeing my room again, as I was disgusted at what it represented. The room had been my sanctuary once, where I would escape from my mother to write music or think about Bella. But as time progressed, it became my own hell. I had no doubt that the room represented another kind of hell for Bella as well.

The stairs groaned under my weight as I sauntered delicately up them, my eyes set on the door that led to my bedroom. With an inward sigh, I pushed softly on the wooden door and watched it swing open slowly.

As the door inched open, more of the room became visible. And as I saw each feature appear, my head became fuzzier. It was as if my body didn't want me to enter the room, and I couldn't blame it.

I was more than shocked to find that my room had not been looted. My bed still lay against the far wall, but I couldn't remember leaving it so tidy. From what I had seen, I had left the house in complete disarray. The floor of my room had been scattered with empty alcohol bottles and soiled clothing. But as I looked at my tidy, organised room, I could only come to one conclusion.

Bella.

Her smell in the room was evident, and even a fool couldn't ignore what she had obviously done. She had cleaned my room. She had stayed here, in this dull and lifeless house, to clean.

I stepped into the room, my walk heavy with the burden I had cast upon myself two years ago. Her smell was even more prominent now that I was surrounded by the familiar stained walls of my room. I gazed upon the perfectly made bed in something close to awe, and felt myself compelled to lie upon its surface once more. I didn't know what drove me to, but I shuffled to the bed and stretched out on its plush covers, breathing in Bella's scent.

As my head rested on the pillow, her smell hit me in such a concentrated form that I choked and spluttered. She had to have been here, on my bed, lying on my pillow. Such a smell could not conjugate from little exposure. She had slept in my bed.

It was too much to bear the thought of Bella lying under my covers, weeping into my pillow. My body ached with guilt and despair I had not yet felt to such a degree. I jolted up from my bed and ran back down the stairs, straight out of the fucking front door. I'd had enough of my past to last me the next five hundred years.

**

It was verging on midnight. I realised that most humans weren't awake and active at this time, but I couldn't possibly wait in that...house...for night to come once again. This was my only chance.

I drove for ten minutes in my car trying to shut out the image of Bella in my bed, alone. Not once was I successful in doing so. She stayed there, etched in like a glowing hot brand on a cow's behind.

I came to a sudden halt when I noticed the house three blocks ahead of where I was. The Swan house. I sucked in numerous deep breaths and parked my car on the opposite side of the road, not wanting to alarm Charlie. However turning up after two years missing, in the middle of the night, was going to alarm him anyway.

I walked down the lengthy driveway and came to a halt at his front doors. I remembered them clearly now, how they had intimidated me. How the whole fucking house had intimidated me. I reached out a hand and placed in on the large knocker, ready to strike it gently against the oak door. Before I could, I heard a noise from inside. Approaching footsteps.

_Who the _hell _is at my door at this hour?!_

I took my hand hastily off the knocker and stepped back in fear. It could have been, at any other time, amusing that the predator feared its prey once again. I could imagine Emmett's face upon hearing that I had become fearful of a human twice in the space of a few months.

Yes, very funny.

The door swung open violently and I jumped in shock. Charlie Swan was facing me; teeth bared like a dog with accompanying furrowed brows that sent nervous shudders throughout my body.

Charlie looked me up and down for a moment, his expression turned from furious to unreadable. His thoughts were a jumble of confusion and sheer hate. He looked into my eyes with a glare that I had not even received from Rosalie, took a step backwards, and proceeded to slam the door in my face without one word.

I waited for something to happen. I wasn't sure what, but I had been certain that Charlie wouldn't leave me on his doorstep in such a manner. But then again, I had ruined his daughter's life, and most likely his too.

Before I could let my fear take over and propel me to run away, I raised my hand and pounded my fist down onto the oak door firmly.

Charlie was at the door again within seconds.

_Can't he see he's not welcome here?_

"Mr...Chief Swan" I said quietly, trying not to let my voice crack under pressure, "I'm here to apologise for..."

"Bella isn't here. You're not welcome."

"I know she isn't here," I started, but fell silent once Charlie's mouth opened to speak.

"How do you know? Are you stalking her now?"

_I'll take him down to the station. Yeah, they'll arrest him. We won't ever have to see him again._

"I am currently living in Washington. I have seen and spoken to Bella" I said confidently. Naturally, the confidence was all fake, a show. Inside I was a complete mess of nerves and self-hatred.

"I don't believe you" he said through his teeth. I nodded.

"I understand this, Chief Swan, but if you would just listen..."

"Nothing you could say to me would ever come close to making up for what you did to my Bella" he snarled.

His Bella. That's exactly what she was. She wasn't my Bella anymore. She was his.

"Chief Swan, please" I near begged.

"Why are you even here? Washington is quite a while away."

_I don't know why he's bothering._

"I came here to see you, sir" I said stiffly.

_And hope I would welcome him with open arms?_

"Do you need money?" he asked, eyeing me with disgust. I shook my head quickly.

"I only wanted to speak to you."

"You've had your chance, now leave" Charlie said bluntly, moving to close the door on my face again. But something stopped me from letting him this time. A picture on the wall behind him.

I pushed out my arm to stop the door from completely closing. Charlie swore.

_Arrest him. He's trespassing. _

"Before I leave," I said, craning my neck to get a better view of the picture hanging proudly on the opposite wall, "May I see that picture?" I asked, nodding towards it.

Charlie looked at me, entirely flabbergasted at my request.

_Is he on drugs? Another thing I could arrest him for..._

"Sir, if you please" I interjected, trying my very best not to become annoyed. Charlie sighed, deciding in his head that one quick glance at a picture on his wall would not harm anybody, and opened the door to allow me a better view.

The picture was of a woman in bed, cradling a small child in her arms. I could easily tell who the child was; her dark brown hair and matching eyes were a completely giveaway. Baby Bella. I smirked at her beaming face and focused on the other figure in the picture. The woman.

My stomach nearly dropped out from inside of me when I saw who it was.

Rachel.

"W-who is that?" I asked Charlie, pointing to Rachel. He looked at me with a frown, wondering why I was suddenly so interested in a picture on his wall.

"Why," he said, "That's Bella's mother. Renee."

That was all I needed to hear. Without even saying goodbye, I raced back to my car and jumped in, firing up the engine and speeding back down the road. My hands gripped onto the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles began to turn white. My breathing became ragged and urgent. My eyes were wide with fear.

Renee was Rachel. That's why I couldn't read her mind, just like Bella's. She was her mother. She was a vampire; a nomad; and she was after Bella.

I just hoped that I would find Bella before she did.


	20. Chapter 19

**Chapter 19.**

**Edward.**

I sped across the long road void of other cars with only one thought on my mind. Bella. I had to make sure Bella was safe. It was all that mattered. _She_ was all that mattered.

I didn't stop at stop signs; I didn't pull over when I saw flashing red and blue police lights in the rear-view mirror. The road rules didn't apply to me, not then. I drove like a man possessed. And, in a way, I was.

My anxiety grew as I passed the 'Welcome to Washington!' sign towering overhead. With my foot planted firmly down on the accelerator, I could not push the car any faster. I almost considered running, but I knew abandoning my car was pointless. It was faster than I was.

I checked the glowing red numbers on the dashboard in front of me. They read 10:06 PM. It had taken far too long to drive from Charlie's house to Washington.

All I could do was curse Phoenix for being located so far away from where Bella was. Once again Phoenix was to blame.

I tapped my fingers impatiently on the top of the steering wheel, pushing the Volvo faster and faster. I could hear the engine moaning as if it were arguing with me, demanding to be treated fairly. But right now Bella was more important than a meaningless Volvo. I did love the car. However, I loved Bella more than anything. If I destroyed my car, I destroyed my car. I would do anything to keep Bella alive and well.

Stuck at a stop light, I contemplated speeding through the intersection. I was getting close to Washington State University, and my basic animal instincts were taking over. So what if I collided with a few cars? I wouldn't be harmed. And what were a few lives when Bella's was at risk?

Breaking me out of my destructive thoughts, my cell phone rang. I jumped, startled by the sudden loud bell noise erupting from my right.

I glanced down to my cell phone resting on the passenger seat. I could read the caller ID from where I sat.

'Alice.'

My chest leaped with excitement. I had attempted to call Alice and the others numerous times but nobody had responded. If I'd had a dollar for each panicked voicemail I left, I would have collected a small fortune.

I reached over and snatched the phone from where it lay, flipping open the top. My heart would have been racing.

"Alice. I tried to call you..." I said breathlessly.

"Edward. She's gone."

I paused for a moment, not sure of how to deal with the information I had been given. I gulped for air, but nothing came. Each time I opened my mouth to breathe, a stabbing sensation ripped through my chest. I spluttered, trying to form words coherently. Again, nothing came.

"Edward?" Alice's voice was higher than usual.

"We tried, Edward. We couldn't do anything..."

"Alice" I breathed out, pulling over in fear of causing an accident. I could hear other cars sounding their horns behind me. But the sounds were faded, as if they were a great distance away. All I could hear was the air tearing down my throat, my chest heaving up and down. "It's her mother."

I was met with silence.

"Alice, say something" I begged. I didn't have a clue what to do. I couldn't lose Bella. Not again.

"I didn't see this coming, Edward."

"You can't see either of them?"

"I...I can't..." I could hear her breathing rate increase.

"Alice" I said firmly.

"Jasper is on the phone to Carlisle. He says we will search for her together when he gets back with Esme" she said after a few moments of hyperventilation.

I froze up, "How long will he be?" I asked. I heard Alice pause for a moment and speak to a voice I recognised as Emmett in the background.

"Tomorrow morning" she said quietly.

"She could be dead by then" I said hollowly. There was no way I was waiting until tomorrow morning to look for Bella. It would be putting her life at risk.

"Edward, if we don't go together somebody could get hurt."

"Bella is more important" I said stiffly.

"Don't do anything stupid, Edward. Go home. We'll meet up with you soon" Alice said, disengaging her cell phone. I sat in my car numbly, listening only to the soft hum of the idle engine. I couldn't comprehend what just happened. Alice had blatantly disregarded Bella's safety, so had Carlisle and the others. They didn't know how much I cared for her. They couldn't. If they knew the extent to which I loved her they would let me go.

I couldn't live with myself if Bella was hurt because of my ignorance.

Making up my mind finally, I brought my hand to the car keys and pulled them out, killing the car's engine. I sat in silence for a moment, taking deep breaths to calm myself. I had to do this. There was no other way.

I stepped out of my car and locked the doors. I stood in darkness, watching the occasional pair of car headlights pass. Was I really about to abandon my family? I used to regard my family as the most important thing in my life. But that was before I met Bella. She made me a better person; she gave me hope for a better life. She was everything, and I was not going to let her slip away from me again.

I started running towards the thick wall of trees ahead of me. Rachel – Renee – would be taking Bella somewhere secluded. And then she would perform one of two options.

She would either kill Bella, or she would turn her.

I didn't want either.

There was a small voice inside of me that screamed at me as I ran through the forest, dodging thick tree trunks and spindly branches. It reasoned that maybe Bella would be better off as a vampire, that maybe she could love me if she saw my side of things.

There was also another voice inside of me. It told me to give up, because Bella would already be dead.

I didn't listen to either of them. I kept pumping my legs until I was travelling faster than I ever had. I wasn't running in any particular direction. I was covering every part of the forest that I could, and I would know where Bella was once her scent hit me. I was begging to whatever higher power was up there that I would find her soon, before Renee could change her life...or end it.

**

Hours had passed. I hadn't stopped running. I kept going. I would die before I gave up my search.

The darker forest of Forks was now in view. It had a different feel and subtle look to the forest I had emerged from. The Forks forest was well-known vampire territory. I had a feeling that Renee had brought Bella here - and if she had, Bella would be doomed.

I heard a rustling ahead of me and I crouched down, narrowing my eyes to increase my exceptional night vision. There was definitely somebody – or something – ahead.

And then the smell hit me. Vampire. I cocked my head up, sniffing the air carefully to determine the scent. It was familiar in some way. The scent did not belong to Bella or Renee, nor did it belong to any of my family.

"Edward Cullen" cooed a voice coming from the vampire ahead of me.

_Renee said to keep him occupied, even if it means killing him._

I stood up, preparing myself for a fight. Just one quick glimpse into his mind and I knew who he was. James. Renee's partner. I clenched my fists at my sides angrily. He wouldn't stop me. I was more determined than he was.

"James" I nodded as he sauntered towards me in an attack stance. I took a determined step forward, to show that I was no afraid. And I wasn't.

"I can't let you pass."

"I'll just have to make you" I said loudly, taking another few steps forward.

_Lunge at him. Do it, James. He's only a newborn._

One benefit to my gift of reading minds – I knew what people, vampires in this case, were going to do before they acted. I was never surprised in a fight.

James lunged at me, just as he had planned out in his mind. I blocked him by holding out both of my arms firmly. His stomach collided with them and he grunted. I hit him back to where he had started, watching him fall to the ground with a sense of achievement and pleasure.

He was up almost instantly, running back towards me. This time, he ran into me. There had been no way to avoid it.

He drove me straight into a tree standing behind us and I felt it snap violently under my weight. The noise it made was equivalent to thunder. I managed, in my short moment of disorientation, to kick out both of my legs and strike James in the chest. He fell backwards, swearing loudly.

I clambered up from the remains of the tree and jumped on James, who was still lying on the ground. As I landed on his body, I heard a scream. I knew instantly who it belonged to, and just at that moment I could smell the sweet floral scent of Bella.

James took my lapse in concentration to his advantage and pushed against my chest with his palms. I was forced up in the air and came down just as quickly. The ground shook underneath me, but I barely noticed the pain. Bella's screams were the only thing I cared about at that point. She was in pain.

"Just leave" James spat, ambling towards my body sprawled out upon the ground, "Never come back. Turn away and forget about her."

_I can't keep fighting him for much longer. He's stronger than I am._

Hearing his doubt, I concocted a plan in my head. I knew that I too could not keep fighting for much longer. James may not have been as strong as me, but he had more experience. I _was_ more determined than him, and I had originally thought that would serve as an advantage for me. It hadn't. If only, the thought of Bella in pain distracted me from what was occurring around me. I could not beat James while I was preoccupied with such dread.

I closed my eyes, breathing in the air around me. It was now thick with Bella's scent, and I could smell her blood just slightly. Her screaming had subdued, but I still knew that she was in trouble. She needed me - I had to act.

"She's not worth it" I said to myself, just loud enough to ensure James would hear. I tilted my head back, looking up at the sky with a look of anguish on my face.

James, cocking his head, moved towards me slowly, "You love her? She's a human."

"I was human once, too" I said sadly, propping myself up on my elbows. James watched me carefully; he did not trust me yet.

"I must admit" I said after a lengthy silence, "You put up a good fight, James."

He smiled deviously, turning his head to peer back through the shrubbery to where I guessed Bella was situated.

_He hasn't done anything wrong. Why does Renee want him out of the picture? He cares for the human._

"I can read minds" I said as casually as I could. James flicked his blond head around and narrowed his eyes at me.

"I've never heard of such a thing" he said stubbornly. I chuckled.

_He's trying to scare me._

"I'm not trying to scare you" I answered his thought with a smirk. James raised his eyebrows.

"Renee doesn't love you. I will leave today and never come back, like she requests. But know this – she has been using you since the day you turned her. Since then she has been searching for one thing, without you knowing. Her daughter."

"The human is her daughter?" James asked. His eyes were wide and his mouth was hanging slightly open. A small part of me pitied James, and a large part of me despised him for keeping me from Bella.

"She won't need you soon enough."

"Why are you telling me this? You're lying."

"I wish I were" I said with a fake sigh, "You have done nothing wrong here James. If anything, you have helped me see the truth. Bella will return to her mother. I will be left out of the picture. Just like you will. We're in the same position."

I could see James' expression morphing from disbelief to understanding.

_He's right. You know he is._

"Leave" James whispered, "With me."

"I have a family" I reasoned, "Not too far from here, like I have said before. I can't leave them. But you can leave everything behind. You have nothing keeping you here."

_He's completely right._

With one last glance in my direction, James sped off to the north, and I knew that I had won the fight. He wasn't coming back. Not for anyone.

I did feel guilty for lying to him, but I did not feel guilty for forcing him to leave Renee. She deserved nobody. In my eyes, she was given exactly what was coming to her. Abandonment.

And soon, she would be dead.

**Bella.**

I vaguely remembered what had happened to me. I was at the party with the Cullens, Renee showed up and then everything went wrong.

I remembered looking frantically over at Jasper, who had been strolling towards me as fast as he could while still looking partially human. I remembered feeling Renee's cold hand grasp my arm and drag me to her. I remembered Jasper taking those last few steps before I was pulled away at an incredibly fast speed.

I remembered crying out Jasper's name as he faded away into a small, barely visible white dot in the distance. I had reached out my arm in a pathetic attempt to grasp onto the branches whirling past me. The result was a five inch slice down the inside of my arm that bled profusely while I cried into Renee's shoulder. I didn't know what she wanted with me, and I no longer felt the desire to know. If she killed me, then she killed me. That was it.

For the first time in my life, I stopped worrying about the future and just accepted that whatever came would be inevitable. The future was inevitable.

"You're being quiet" said Renee as she pounded through the forest with me in her arms.

"There's not much to say" I said in a raspy voice that did not sound like my own. It may have been from the crying and shouting for Jasper, or it may have been from the rate at which I was travelling.

"Are you not curious at all?"

"Not really" I said truthfully, "I'd rather not know."

"You've changed" she observed, dodging a rather large, bare tree. I could see that we were entering Forks territory.

"You wouldn't know" I said breathlessly, "You haven't been around."

"And I apologise for that. But as you can see-" she paused, hurdling over a fallen trunk, "I am not exactly mother material."

"Apparently you never were" I said bitterly. She fell silent, no doubt hurt by my words. I had to admit that I'd been mildly surprised at how civil she was treating me. I didn't want to inspire false hope, but maybe she did not want to kill me after all.

When I saw who she was taking me to, all hope was lost. She was definitely going to kill me, or have me killed. We approached a vampire who looked to be frozen in his early twenties, maybe even earlier. His skin was smooth and pale yet held a subtle gloom which the Cullen's skin did not. I swallowed thickly and waited to be placed in front of him by Renee, but she strolled past him as if he wasn't even there. Nonetheless, he followed, and the feeling of anxiety still remained in my chest, as much as I tried not to care.

Renee pulled me off her body and let me sit on the soft, damp grass that I had spent most of the trip staring at from under her arm. It was a welcoming new feeling, rather than the hard marble of Renee's torso. She backed up a number of steps and snaked her arm around the other vampire's waist. They watched me in silence.

"Stand guard" Renee hissed at the other vampire suddenly. He nodded, giving her a peck on her left cheek, and ran off in the opposite direction to where I sat, "We can't have any interruptions" she added darkly.

"Now, Bella" she said, sitting down next to me calmly. I shifted away from her the slightest, and she snapped her head around to look at me, "I'm not going to harm you."

"How do I know that?" I asked while looking ahead at a group of birds perched on top of a tall tree.

"You have to trust me."

"I don't."

"You will" she said thoughtfully. I could see her watching my reaction, so I gave her none. I continued to stare at the birds. She breathed out heavily, "Bella. I can turn life around for you."

I paused, "...What?"

"I can make everything better."

"Everything is fine" I lied. She smiled.

"You're like me, you know. You can't lie."

"I'm nothing like you" I said curtly.

Renee ran a hand through her thick brown hair and brought it down to her cheek, holding it there as if to comfort herself, "What am I like, then?"

"You're a liar. You're a selfish liar who left when things got too tough, when things didn't go your way, when life wasn't perfect" I snapped.

"But I am here now" she reasoned, "And although I'm not the mother you remember, I-"

"I don't remember any mother" I interrupted, looking her straight in the eye. The vibrant red of them shocked me for a moment but I continued, "I don't remember what it was like to have you hold me or rock me to sleep. I don't even know if you did that or not."

"I did, Bella" she said, shifting forwards on the grass, "I did every single night. I sang to you, I cared for you more than anything."

"Then why did you leave?"

"I...I was overwhelmed. I was so young. Barely in my twenties. And your father...he had high expectations-"

"Don't you dare blame _anything_ on Charlie" I snarled, a fire raging in my chest, "He has been three times the parent you have, plus some more."

"And I thank him for that, but-"

"There's nothing more you can say" I said. Tears were welling in my eyes, and I tilted my head back to stop them from falling, "I don't want you in my life."

"Is it because of what I am?"

"I couldn't care less what you are. It's _who_ you are that matters."

Seeming unbothered by my insult, Renee pushed herself up from the ground and walked around in front of me, "You know, Bella, I find it very strange that you associate yourself with vampires. Since when were you a risk taker?"

"They're not bad vampires. They don't kill humans" I defended. She shrugged.

"It's still a risk nonetheless. This has, though, made my mission a lot easier. So I guess I owe the Cullens a thank you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked in irritation.

"You will wake up in three days and know the answer" she smirked, leaning into me. I tried to scream, but before I was able to I felt something pierce my neck. Then nothingness followed.

**

I woke up on fire.

A burning, raging fire emanated through my body; the flames licked at my skin, torturing me. I opened my mouth to scream, and the noise that came out seemed so far away, so distant. I had to be dying.

"_You will wake up in three days and know the answer." _Renee had said to me. It was so hard to think, so hard to focus my mind on what her cryptic suggestion may mean. All I could think about was the fire.

Would dying be this painful? Surely it would be over by now. Or, at least, the pain would subdue. My body would be shutting down, not burning me alive. Unless I was actually on fire.

Was I?

I ripped open my eyes and let them dart around, eyeing my surroundings. I was still in the small opening in Forks. I was still alive. But was I on my way to death? Who knew?

Death would have been nice. Welcome, even. I would have opened my arms to death, greeting it with a large smile and keen eyes. I would have asked death to stay for dinner.

"Bella, love, how are you holding up? You took a while to wake up."

I looked at the source of the voice - Renee, of course. I probably would have groaned, but if I opened my mouth, only screams would escape.

Seeing Renee meant that everything was real. Nobody knew where I was, and I was probably about to die. Great.

"You're probably very confused right now, and in a lot of pain. I want you to try your hardest to listen to every word I say, alright?" Renee asked, kneeling down next to me. I was completely still, although inside I was thrashing about, "Alright?" she reiterated.

I managed a very small nod in response.

"Good" she smiled, "Bella – I bit you. There's no other way to tell you or word it nicely. I. Bit. You. In just over two days now, you will be like me. Strong. Fast. Superior in every way."

I didn't want to be strong, or fast, or superior. I just wanted to be me. Bella Swan. Clumsy, fragile human. That's all I ever wanted – a simple life.

But here I was, becoming a vampire? A creature of myth and horror. Something to be feared.

I screamed. Not only because of the intensifying fire, but because of the shock I was faced with. Vampire. Bella Swan the vampire.

It couldn't be happening.

"Be calm, my dear. Everything will be over before you know it" soothed Renee, stroking my head gently. Her cool hands were almost worse than the heat of the burning. The ice ripped through my skull, sending shivers down my spine. My whole body, in a fit of confusion, shuddered violently and as a result my stomach lurched. I gagged, coughing up a sticky red liquid. It poured down my shirt and I felt it trickle across my stomach. Again, I threw up. Each feeling upon my skin made my stomach do flips. Each subtle gust of wind felt like knives cutting at my flesh. Each word Renee spoke felt like she was hammering against my temple with a rubber mallet.

Death had to be better than this. I wanted it now, more than I wanted Edward or to see Charlie again. It was selfish – but I would have given up anything or anyone just to die.


	21. Attention: readers

Dear readers,

I doubt there are many of you still out there, as it's been months since I last set foot on this website. I haven't touched my story since May/June, and I honestly have no legitimate excuse to give you. I've received your reviews and kind emails, and I assure you all that I have not disappeared, and I am safe and well. I've just had a rough year, and the last thing I was willing to do was to sit at my laptop writing a story that only made my bad year seem worse.

Amongst all of this, I am still willing to give this story another go. Though, a lot has changed in the past few months, so I want to give Amour...a bit of a facelift, if I may.

Right now I have three chapters ready to go. All completely made-over. I am extremely pleased with the way my story has evolved upon rewriting it and rethinking the plot. Not much will have changed, but I expect you might be a little more impressed with the writings style, lack of error and flow of the story. I am also hoping to expand a little more on the relationship between human Bella and Edward, and also Jasper and Bella.

Just a heads up, this story is being moved to my other account- djangoo. Same thing, really. After I'm sure that most of the people who actually still want to read this fic have seen this announcement, I will delete this account and move on.

Thank you to all who have stuck by me, even when I have completely ignored your emails. I do apologise sincerely, and I hope that you will enjoy this story in the future :)

jangoo


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